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[caption id="attachment_15360" align="aligncenter" width="1024"] fun mom[/caption]

Question of the Day:

I’m pretty sure my kid is going to grow up and remember me as a nagging, grumpy task master. He’s barely 13 and our relationship is already on thin ice. On the rare ocassions when I can relax and be silly with him, his whole demeanor changes and we get along great. I know that my attitude effects him in (mostly) in a negative way.

I don’t think of myself as negative, I relax and have fun with friends or co-workers. It’s just when I see my son, I see a walking to-do list. He might be telling me about his day at school but in my head, I hear “Ok, he needs to email the teacher about this and I’ll need to buy posterboard and glue sticks.” or I’ll see him laying on the couch and think, “he needs to wash his feet they are gross”, but then he does it and I immediately switch to, “and now he should clean his room and do his laundry.”

I don’t see him as a playmate or someone to have fun with (unless I’m on vacation). Maybe I don’t know how to have fun with a 13 year old boy? But he responds so well when I’m silly and playful, I think we could both enjoy these years more if I could learn how to become a fun mom instead of a nagging mom.

Your self awareness is this question is super impressive. You know you have a conditioned response to “mother” him instead of “play” when you see him. You see that he responds well when you are light and playful. You want him to remember you as a fun mom as well as a mom who gets things done so your motivation is there. It sounds like you just aren’t sure how to do it.

How do you look at a kid with incomplete tasks, dirty feet, a messy room and ignore it all and see him as someone to have fun with?

How does one switch their brain from productive Task Master momma to the “relax and play” brain channel?

You’ve got to use your left brain to connect to your right.

Play, creativity, and humor are right brain activities. Productive Task Master Momma is a left brain activity so I say we use that left brain in order to access the right.

First is to recognize that this is probably how you have organized your life for the last decade or two. You wake up in the morning with a question in your mind, “What needs to get done?” and then you get to work accomplishing tasks. Once those tasks are complete, you relax and play. This might have worked for you in the past but no adolescent wants to be seen as a walking to-do list.

You’ll want to give your brain an update. Let it know that you are no longer responsible for his dressing, feeding, personal hygeine, and basic care. He does not represent chores for you to complete, he is a little human looking to share his experiences with you.

The reason you want him to finish all his tasks is so that you can relax and then find some fun. But instead of this work first, relax second habit, think about flowing between work and play in a more relaxed and playful way. Little kids do this naturally, work and play naturally flow with one to another. This is a more natural, less stressful way to live.

I had a client whose son was planning his birthday celebration. It started out small, just an outing with a couple of friends. But then he started adding on people, and activities. “First we go bowling, then we meet up with more friends at the mall and take them paint balling, then pizza and a sleepover, etc.” My client was getting stressed out by his enthusiastic planning but instead of getting serious with him, she got silly and joined in. “That sounds awesome, and then we’ll get the whole 7th grade to pile into rented party buses and drive to Disneyland!” Not only did he love her light hearted response, he got the message that he was going overboard with his planning and she didn’t have to be the negatvie task master.

The book, How to Talk so Kids Will Listen and Listen so Kids Will Talk, authors Faber and Mazlish call this strategy “Giving them what they want in fantasy.” It helps kids feel understood, while not actually giving in to what they want.

Another strategy this book gives is to use roll playing to keep things light. When he’s telling you about school and you are hearing a to-do list in your head, take out a yellow pad of paper and pretend you are his secretary. “Poster board and glue stick from the dollar store. Is there anything else I can do for you sir?”

When you see his dirty feet on the couch you can try on a foreign accent pretending to be a shocked and offended housekeeper or a butler for the British royal family who cannot believe the horror he is witnessing.

One of the nice changes puberty brings to adolescents is the ability to understand sarcasm. Not everyone gets it, so be sure not to offend, but see if this can be a fun way to add silliness to your parenting repertoire. “I know how hard it is for you to relax when your room is messy so I’ll keep this seat warm for you while you go tidy up. Someday you’ll be a chilled out lazy bum like your Momma.” Saying the opposite of reality will throw him off guard.

Plan and prepare for playfulness.

You don’t have to be in a light hearted mood, in order to create a light hearted mood. Picking my kids up at school was not a joyful time. They were grumpy and exhausted and humor wasn’t on anyone’s minds. I would sit in car line and google a joke to tell them when they got into the car or find a silly video I thought they would enjoy. I used my serious left brain, to help all of us shift into a more relaxed, playful state.

If our task list triggers a fight or flight response, it’s going to be really hard to change that channel.

The Central Nervous System acts like a traffic signal. Red is the FREEZE response. Yellow is the FIGHT / FLIGHT response. Green is PLAY, RELAX, SOCIAL ENGAGEMENT. HUMOR. SILLINESS. LIGHT HEARTED.

When we get overwhelmed by too many tasks, or believe there are dire consequences for not getting through our to-do list, this inner Task Master isn’t going anywhere.

The Top 5 most popular mantras that keep mom’s central nervous systems out of the green, relaxed, play state are:

“If I take my eye off the ball, something important will slip through the cracks.” “If I take time to rest and play, more work will pile up.” “If I make light of this situation, my kid won’t understand how important it is.” “A good mom wouldn’t allow this behavior.” “If I don’t address this small problem now, bigger problems will arise later.”

It takes time, attention, and a skilled life coach to help you let go of these beliefs but the reward for your effort is a more relaxed and playful relationship with yourself as well as your kiddo.

Try this brainstorming activity to try and have more fun with your teenager.

Draw a 2 circle venn diagram (or 3 if you want to include another parent).

Write your name and your kids name in separate circles, then list things that seem fun to each of you. Fun is a feeling, not an activity, but there are certain activities that help encourage us to be present, connected, and playful.

Think of things that you love to do. Times when you said, "That was really fun". Look for themes like....

Nature, Uncertainty, Risk, Intellectual Stimulation, Physical Activity, Teaching, Exploring, Creating, Collecting, Entertaining, Learning, Strategizing, Performing, Demonstrating Mastery, Playing Games.

Write down some activities you love to do in your circle. Write down things your teen enjoys in his circle, and see if there is any overlap. If you can't find any, get less specific and more general. Let's say he likes wrestling and you like yoga, an overlap could be "physical activity". From there you might discover rock climbing as something new you'd both like to try.

"We can control whether we merely endure our days or experience and enjoy them. We can control whether we arrive on our deathbeds feeling like we’ve wasted our time or end up satisfied with how we’ve spent our brief moment in the sun." Catherine Price  The Power of Fun

As parents, we are in a constant state of letting go. Some of these things are easy like diapers or being woken up in the middle of the night. Others are hard like being the center of your child's world and hugs.

This week we are talking about Letting Go and the Who's, What's, Why's and How's of it.

Please join Torie Henderson and spiritual guide Sarah Trapkus for the 5-Day Letting Go Challenge starting Monday inside the Supermom is Getting Tired Facebook Group. 

Monday, May 13 - Friday, May 17, we will be mastering the fine art of letting go. Join us in the Facebook Group.

[caption id="attachment_14948" align="alignright" width="997"] Enneagram Type 9[/caption]

If you resonate with every number on the enneagram, you might be 9.

The Enneagram Type 9 can be called the crown of the Enneagram because it is at the top of the symbol and because it seems to include the whole of it. Nines can have the strength of Eights, the sense of fun and adventure of Sevens, the dutifulness of Sixes, the intellectualism of Fives, the creativity of Fours, the attractiveness of Threes, the generosity of Twos, and the idealism of Ones. What they lack is a strong sense of their own identity.

Being a separate self, an individual who must assert herself against others, is terrifying to Nines. They would rather melt into someone else or quietly follow their idyllic daydreams.

Cool, calm and collected with a zen like presence, nines have the ability to diffuse conflict with ease. They are generally liked by most people and have a wide circle of acquaintances. 

Nines are defined by their desire to maintain a sense of inner peace and harmony, and to avoid conflict or other emotional disturbances. They are typically agreeable, calm, and easy to be around.

Empathetic and observant, Type 9’s can make loving and attentive parents. They strive to create a cozy and comfortable home, with harmony and kindness on the inside. 

Enneagram Type Nines are accepting, trusting, and stable. They are usually creative, optimistic, and supportive, but can also be too willing to go along with others to keep the peace. They want everything to go smoothly and be without conflict, but they tend to be complacent, simplifying problems and minimizing anything upsetting. They typically have problems with inertia and stubbornness. While they typically go with the flow, they dislike being controlled and will respond with passive resistance if pushed too far.

Core fear: Being separated and disconnected from others. They cope with this fear by submitting to the desires of the people around them. 

Core desire: Inner stability and peace 

Core motivation: To avoid tension and conflict, to preserve things as they are, and to create harmony in the environment. They agree in order to be included. 

Nines want to avoid the disturbing aspects of life and seek peace and comfort by “numbing out.” Nines run away from the problems and negative emotions of life by seeking to find simple and painless solutions to their problems.

Nine can often be physically present, but disappear into their minds and imaginations. They are Queens of coziness, laying in bed, reading books, numbing out, avoiding decisions and problems. Like Type 7’s invented FOMO, Type 9’s invented “procrastiworking”. Cleaning, tidying, organizing, or doing easy and mindless work tasks as a way to avoid the big uglies. 

Type 9 Peacemakers are social chameleons who can adapt to the group dynamic easily and help others get along. They’re soft-spoken yet loyal and fun to be around, intuitively knowing how to include and engage everyone in conversation.

Peacemakers retain their self-esteem through being kind and helpful to others. They enjoy the comfortable side of life and love to have a personal space to recharge from the outer world.

Many are deep seekers of meaning and have a fond appreciation of spirituality and a sense of connectedness with the universe.

1. Do I struggle with dormant anger and voicing my own opinion?
2. Do I blend personality based on the people I am with?
3. Do people find you easy to approach and non-judgmental in almost all circumstances?

If so, you might be a Type 9 Peacemaker

[caption id="attachment_14949" align="alignright" width="1080"] Enneagram Type 9[/caption]

Charlotte was a friend who had hired me because she noticed she was using food to soothe herself and feel comfortable and she was worried about her weight gain. She knew I wasn’t a weight coach but she felt comfortable with me and that is what mattered most to her. She didn’t want to talk to anyone else.

She talked about how much she wanted to lie in bed for hours on end. All she wanted to do was seek comfort by reading books, lying in bed, and eating. She was going through the motions of her life, cooking, driving her kids, laundry, etc. but she felt numb. Her body was present but her spirit wasn’t fully alive. 

Type 9’s are the most empathetic of all types and can take on the emotions and energy of the people around them. She had married a type 8 with a strong personality and loads of energy. Being around him naturally energized her and his confidence and fearlessness made her feel brave and alive. 

But her energy source husband changed when he came down with a serious illness. He became angry, needy and anxious. She became his caretaker and nurse, trying to bring him back to health. As his treatments ended and his recovery began, Charlotte began to fall apart. 

She lost touch with her own wants and desires and was suppressing her anger that her life had been derailed. She resented that her husband, not only wasn’t appreciative of all she had done for him, but who’s bad mood was bringing her down.

Once Charlotte had an understanding of the big picture and why she was seeking comfort through food and avoidance of life, she started reconnecting with her desires. 

Like most 9’s, her number one desire was to have time to herself because it’s the only way 9’s can connect with their essence and who they are at their core. She started advocating for her own needs with her husband. She asked him to bring her coffee in bed every morning and then leave her alone for an hour, and he was happy to give her something she really wanted.

Overtime, Charlotte learned to listen to her anger to help build stronger connections with herself as well as her partner. She learned to listen to her fatigue as a way to pay attention to her own wants and needs. 

The more she advocated for herself, the more confidence she started to have. As her husband’s health improved, she felt ready to get back to her hobbies and interest that were separate from him. 

Nine’s are generally composed and have a calming presence, which automatically help s diffuse tense situations. 

They are compassionate and understanding, able to see things from multiple perspectives.

Healthy Nines are flexible and can adjust well to changes or different environments.

Non-judgemental, patient and accepting, Type 9 moms are the ones you want to come to talk about your problems. Their ability to reassure others and listen attentively means they can become a confidant, sounding board, or dumping ground for emotional / hormonal teenagers. 

Their ability to put themselves in others’ shoes and feel what other people are feeling can cause them to lose themselves while raising kids. Over-empathizing wipes them out, making them feel exhausted just from being around others. 

Here are some struggles Enneagram Type 9’s have while parenting

1. Piling up unresolved issues because of a desire to avoid conflict. 
2. Difficulty making decisions. 
3. Loss of Identity: They may struggle to assert their individuality and may merge with others' identities or preferences.
4. Self Neglect. Difficulty advocating for their own needs. Lack of assertiveness. 
5. Difficulty saying no and setting boundaries. 
6. Escapism: Type 9s may use distractions or numbing activities to avoid facing uncomfortable emotions.
7. Resentment: If their needs are consistently ignored, they may harbor resentment or passive-aggressive feelings.
8. Fatigue and exhaustion caused from over-empathizing and being too “spongey”.

Missy came to life coaching complaining about her “laziness”. She was frustrated with herself for “not being able to get anything done” and spending every weekend too exhausted to do anything. 

She felt like other moms were much more efficient and productive with their time. She was planning to have her thyroid checked out because her exhaustion felt so extreme. 

Missy was a teacher who worked with 30+ kids everyday, then came home to 3 kids of her own. She was a big hearted, enneagram type 9 who strived to create harmony wherever she went. 

Missy didn’t realize she was soaking up the energies of the people around her. She didn’t have any ENERGETIC boundaries and was OVER EMPATHIZING with the many children in her life (which is a tricky, invisible thing but very tangible to those suffering from it!). 

The first thing we did was to reframe “lazy” as “taking on other people’s stuff”. Nine’s are the spongiest of all types and can easily lose themselves in relationship with others or while raising kids. When Missy felt exhausted, she needed to release the self criticism and find tools to “wring out” other people’s stuff and clear her energy. 

This was all pretty strange to Missy who came for productivity life hacks but she immediately could feel the results and quickly became a believer. 

She needed to find ways to preserve her energy so it wouldn’t leak out so quickly. We used the vivid imagination 9’s are known for and imagined putting a bubble around her to prevent her from taking on the emotions of others. The kids weren’t aloud inside her bubble unless they were feeling peace, love and harmony. 

Missy learned going straight to a restorative yoga class after school helped her purge the energies of the day. Walking alone in nature on the weekends helped her feel connected to her spirit but she had to discipline her mind not to think about her kids while walking. 

Missy learned that energy is a renewable resource. Just because she felt exhausted, didn’t mean her only option was to flatline and then shame herself for her lack of productivity. It’s just the fixes were internal, not external. 

Type 9’s need to be careful with self care. Getting a massage, without doing the inner energy clearing, means they just end helping and healing the massage therapist. Going out with girlfriends means they just soaked up even more energy from friends, waiters, uber drivers, etc. 

Invisible problems like over-empathy, require invisible solutions. This inner work of clearing energy, imagining invisible boundaries, and using visualizations is the fastest path to a healthy and balanced. 

What 9’s moms gain from life coaching 

• A safe place to reconnect with their essence; the part of themselves that got lost while parenting their kids. They get to feel like themselves again.

• Make friends with anger! Healthy ways to process negative emotions so they can be fully alive and present instead of numbing out.

• Free up your energy. Stop leaking energy by over empathizing and learn to stay in your personal power so you can feel more accomplished and productive.

3 Tips to help 9’s grow into health and balance

• Everyday, think about an opinion that you hold strongly and voice that opinion to someone during the day. Ask yourself, “Has it become easier to say what I really think?” “Are some people easier to share with than others?”

• Any change you want to make starts with HOW YOU FEEL. Focusing how your feelings (instead of everyone else’s) will increase your personal power. Your energy goes where your attention goes. If your attention is inside of your body (where emotions reside) you will have more energy to spare throughout the day.

• Use the magical sentence to help get control of your tasks: What would I LOVE to ACCOMPLISH by the end of the day? This brings your awareness onto YOU and what you want, reminds you that you are in control, forces small action steps and brings you out of numbing or procrastiworking and into control, plus gives you a dopamine hit once you accomplish the task.

1. Get into the body to access emotions. Find healthy ways to express anger.
2. Get clear on what you want. Notice when you start to drift away mentally.
3. Notice when your life is on autopilot. Nine’s feel like they never really lived their life because they are afraid of the spotlight. Create a life you can be proud of. 

If you are thinking, “I don’t believe in this Enneagram personality typing, what a stupid waste of time.” Then you might be an 8. 

Enneagram Type 8’s enjoy taking on challenges, as well as challenging authority figures, the status quo, or any obstacle that prevents them from getting what they want. 

They also enjoy challenging others to be their best, even if they are hated for it.  

Enneagram Type 8’s find their identity by overcoming obstacles and imposing their will on their environment. (cows and tears, the only thing he can’t overpower is his type 8 daughter - swim lessons)

They pursue the truth, like to keep control of situations and make important things happen.

Eights are self-confident, strong, and assertive. Protective, resourceful, helpful and warm, also straight-talking, and decisive. They like action and assert control over their environment with speed and intensity. 

Their charisma, energy and vitality makes them natural leaders. This, combined with their protective nature and direct communication skills can make parenting easy and natural for parents.

Type 8’s always do what they feel is right, even when it goes against what others think is right. They role model and encourage independence, hard work, determination, confidence and authenticity in their children. 

Enneagram Type 8’s can be fierce advocates for their children, fighting for their rights, providing a safe and secure home, and setting firm boundaries easily. 

They enjoy heated debates because they like the power that comes with intensity and expressing anger helps them feel powerful. Anger can overtake them unless it is released immediately. Underneath the anger and quick action are often feelings of vulnerability, sadness and anxiety.  

• Core Fear: being controlled, abandoned or harmed by others or the environment. (They don’t feel the fear because they avoid vulnerable emotions)
• Core Desire: To protect themselves and to be in control of their own life and destiny.
• Core Motivation: To prove their strength and resist weakness. To be important in their world, to dominate the environment, and to stay in control. 

Vulnerability provides the opportunity to be hurt or abandoned so Eights avoid it by pushing others away. They struggle to connect with their softer side, because of the fear of being hurt, but truly have very sensitive souls. When they can open their hearts and trust people, they have enormous potential to use their strength for the greater good. At their best, they can be heroic, magnanimous, and inspiring. 

Elaine’s story

I was hanging out with a strong and charismatic mom I met through a Mother’s Club I had joined.. We were at her house for a playgroup and she was talking about her plans to homeschool her kids. She and her husband were entrepreneurs and felt the school system had inadequately prepared them for adulthood. Their plan was to “unschool” their kids which means not having any specific curriculum, just exposing kids to life experiences and letting the kids take the lead on what they are interested in learning. She had impressive ideas: A friend who would teach kids woodworking and mechanics. Another artist friend who would let them create in her studio. She was determined to give her kids a unique educational experience so they could blaze their own trails and pursue their own passions, instead of being told what to learn. 

However, when our sons were 5, her son got jealous about some of the activities happening at my son’s school. My son was asked to bring in an item that started with each letter of the alphabet. This boy was so excited about finding something in his home that started with the letter D. He begged his mom to let him go bring something that started with D to school. His mom was annoyed. “Don’t just copy someone else, think for yourself! What are you interested in?” 

She was so wrapped up in being anti-establishment that she didn’t see he had found something that interested him. She could have done the same activity at home, bringing an item that started with D to the dinner table. It would have been easy to appease him without giving up on her homeschooling ideals. 

Because she held so tightly to her ideas that he shouldn’t want to go to school, he decided that school was a thing worth fighting for. He begged and pressured to go to traditional school, even though it was really just the structured assignment he craved that she could have offered.

This Type 8 Supermom struggled to value his priorities higher than her own, or believe that he could actually enjoy and benefit from traditional school. 

It took some time but she finally reconciled that her son had a different personality than she did and the type of education she and her husband wished they had, wasn’t a perfect fit for their child.

Eights are the true “rugged individualists” of the Enneagram. More than any other type, they stand alone. They want to be independent, and resist being indebted to anyone. They often refuse to “give in” to social convention, and they can defy fear, shame, and concern about the consequences of their actions. Although they are usually aware of what people think of them, they do not let the opinions of others sway them. They go about their business with a steely determination that can be awe inspiring, even intimidating to others.

3 Questions to help determine if you might be an 8

1. Do you have an extraordinarily strong exterior, one that is sometimes intimidating to others, but that hides a less visible but highly vulnerable interior?
2. Do you tend to be excessive in what you do? (all or nothing with diet & exercise?) Believing you can never get enough of a good thing.
3. Do you have immediate impulses to take strong and forceful action, particularly when you are feeling anxious and vulnerable?

5 challenges Enneagram Type 8s may encounter while parenting children:

Enneagram Type 8, often referred to as "The Challenger" or "The Leader," is characterized by a strong desire for control, assertiveness, and a tendency to take charge of situations. Parenting as a Type 8 can present various challenges due to their dominant personality traits. 

• Struggle with Authority: Type 8 parents may find it challenging to balance their own authority with allowing their children autonomy and independence, leading to power struggles. 
•  
• Overbearing Nature: They may come across as too forceful, intense or intimidating for sensitive kids. Their desire for control may make it challenging for their children to express their own opinions, and make decisions separate from their 8 parent.
•  
• Impatience: Type 8s may struggle with patience, expecting immediate compliance from their children and becoming frustrated when things don't go according to plan.
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• Difficulty with Vulnerability: They may have difficulty showing vulnerability or tenderness, which can impact their ability to connect emotionally with their children. May prioritize strength and resilience over emotional support and empathy. 
•  
• Struggle with Delegating: They may find it difficult to delegate tasks or responsibilities to their children, preferring to take on everything themselves to ensure things are done their way.

8’s are the last of all types to seek the help of a life coach, but if they do, they usually like it when the coach is willing to challenge their thinking directly and help them know the truth from the widest possible perspective. 8’s like to macromanage as well as micromanage so coaching appeals to their ability to control their outcomes. 

What 8’s gain from life coaching

1. To feel less guilty for their own behavior
2. To feel less responsible for others
3. To manage their abundant energy without imploding or exploding.
4. To understand the personalities of those that think and feel differently
5. To feel strong even when feeling vulnerable and weak.

Shanna came to life coaching ready to explode. She felt betrayed and ready to smack some people upside the head. Because the people she wanted to hurt was a 13 year old girl, she wouldn’t, but she was struggling to know what to do with her fury. 

She had formed a tight friendship with this neighbor girl and their daughters were best friends. The last 10 years of her life were filled with sleepovers, carpools, celebrations and sharing each other’s lives. 

Shanna treated this neighbor girl like her own daughter. So when she started ghosting her daughter, and leaving her out of friendship groups, mom took it very personally. 

Sofia, Shanna’s daughter, asked her mom to stay out of it. She wanted to deal with it on her own, but that was really hard for Shanna to do. 

Eights take friendship very seriously.  It can take time to work your way into the 8’s inner circle but once you are in, they will do anything for the ones they love. Once you have earned their trust, you will have love, loyalty and fierce commitment. 

It is very common for 8’s to hold a grudge forever to anyone who betrays them.

Through life coaching, Shanna was able to process her emotions in a healthy way, making room for her daughter Sophia to have her own reaction. We talked about the normal, social development of middle school girls which helped de-personalize the situation and make it normal. The friendship never went back to its original closeness but Shanna learned how to tame her anger so she could be there for Sophia in a supportive and encouraging way. 

Eights struggle to be nice because they see niceness as weak or vulnerable. So when they open up their hearts and homes, consider it an honor and privilege if you are allowed in. 

Tips: 

1. Whenever you feel the urge to yell, demand, offer an opinion or suggestion, take a breath and ask yourself, what is the feeling I’m trying not to feel? Why is it so hard for me to sit in this moment? What is the worst thing that will happen if I allow my child space to figure this out on their own? When you do speak, try asking a question to help your kid come to their own conclusion.
2. Practice giving compliments to others. To an 8, this can feel like giving up a piece of yourself. Challenge yourself to think about positive attributes other people possess, then share your compliments with your children, partner and co-workers. The more you do it, the easier it will get and you will train your brain to look for the good. 
3. 8’s need to be aware of feeling punitive or vengeful. They can have a warped sense of fairness. Let people off the hook once in a while. While turning the other cheek sounds “weak and gross”, think about it as asserting your ability to impact others by creating a culture of kindness. 

Many 8’s live with zero accountability because they are always in charge. Working with a mentor or life coach can help 8’s take accountability, build trust and humility. As they learn to feel safe exposing their softer side, they become more generous, open hearted and able to help others reach their potential with powerful and profound unconditional love.

Sevens are defined by their desire to experience everything life has to offer while avoiding pain and boredom. They appear to others to be lively, fun-loving, optimistic and extroverted.

Sevens are often very busy people who bounce from one activity to another in their quest to squeeze every possible bit of enjoyment out of life.

• [caption id="attachment_14915" align="aligncenter" width="997"] Enneagram Type 7[/caption]

Core Fear: Sevens fear getting stuck in a rut and missing out on the good life. They cope with this fear of being deprived by constantly seeking out exciting, novel, and fun experiences.

Core Desire: To feel satisfied and content. To have their needs fulfilled.

Core Motivations: Sevens want to avoid feeling bored, sad or uninspired. They are motivated to maintain their freedom and happiness by staying excited and occupied.

Type 7’s are playful, spontaneous and versatile, keeping busy with a wide variety of interests. They have TERRIBLE FOMO, so afraid of missing out on every juicy bit life has to offer that they run themselves ragged trying to experience it all.

Enneagram Type 7 moms are a joy to be around. Their enthusiasm for life, curiosity, and creativity makes everyday activities fun and engaging for children.

Type 7’s are also known as the Epicure. Someone who takes pleasure in fine food and drink. When my friend’s kiddo asked her what was for dinner, she responded with:

“Picture this: tender pasta ribbons cradled in a rich, velvety sauce bursting with the vibrant flavors of sun kissed tomatoes from Tuscany. Aromatic garlic and fragrant herbs envelops each strand with its hearty embrace, delivering a symphony of savory goodness to your palate.”

She looks at me and says “Spaghetti with Ragu sauce”. I can sell anything.

Enneagram 7 parents are often imaginative and creative, which can lead to innovative approaches to problem-solving. These are the parents who easily turn cleaning up your room into a game, contest and challenge.

Seven’s are flexible and open to new experiences, making them willing to adapt to their children's changing needs, personalities and desires.

7’s have an Adventurous Spirit so they encourage exploration and curiosity, fostering a sense of adventure and discovery in their children.

Enneagram 7 parents are often resourceful and quick-thinking, finding solutions to challenges that arise in parenting. They enjoy sharing experiences with their children and are often generous with their time and attention. Sevens are sensitive to their children's emotions and strive to create a nurturing and supportive environment. Enneagram 7 parents inspire their children to dream big and pursue their passions with enthusiasm and determination.

Internally, Seven’s downplay negative emotions, easily finding a positive reframe for negative situations. This sunny optimism can be uplifting and inspiring, but can also feel a bit out of touch with reality. Sometimes, we want validation for our negative emotions and disappointments with life and it’s frustrating to only be allowed to focus on the silver lining.

I had a friend who was always praising her kids' activities, speaking about it in very high regard. If they were on a swim team, you’d think it was the best invention ever. When I asked why they didn’t do it again the following year, she would praise the beauty of creative, self initiated play and an open ended summer schedule. Whichever school they were in was the best school. Even when she ended up transferring, she refused to say a negative word.

It made our relationship very superficial. When I was going through a hard time with one of my kiddos, she was the last person I’d tell. Because she wouldn’t be vulnerable enough to admit things aren’t perfect, I found other moms to go to who were more understanding and compassionate.

Bright and expressive, Seven’s see the world as their playground, making their wide eyed enthusiasm for life an easy match for raising children. Sevens are often very imaginative and creative, with thinking fueled by creativity. They excel in coming up with new ideas and initiating experiences. However, they can struggle with focus and self-discipline.

Seven’s are quick and agile learners, able to learn new information AND new skills quickly, synthesize it and put it to good use. This ability to be good at many things without much effort can cause them to be a bit directionless in life. Their wide ranging curiosity, and ease with acquiring new skills, means they don’t always value what they offer compared with someone who worked really hard to achieve the same level of success.

As with the 5’s and 6’s, the work of the 7 is to learn to trust their inner guidance. 7’s keep anxiety at arm’s length by keeping busy and looking forward to new things. Raising children gives 7’s focus and endless opportunities to engage with new experiences, UNLESS they get sick, injured, are introverted 5’s who are easily overstimulated, or are forced to quarantine due to global pandemics.

Carrie came to life coaching during COVID lockdowns. She was struggling to keep her kids focused on their Zoom classes, while focusing herself on completing projects at her marketing job. She also had herself cleaning out the attic, building a home gym, learning to play piano and teaching her kids to cook. There were no complaints of course, she just wanted parenting tips to keep her kids focused.

As we talked, I started to get a fuller picture. Carrie was drinking every night, had difficulty with sleeping and was scared about her family getting COVID and deathly afraid of BOREDOM.

Once we addressed Carrie’s fears, the anxiety calmed down. She no longer needed to run away from her busy brain. She started drinking less and sleeping more. We used her long list of projects to help her tune into her inner guidance and prioritize the things that helped her feel balanced.

Carrie learned that she was using excitement to distract herself from her anxieties and what she yearned for the most was the feeling of contentment. Joy, enthusiasm and happiness came easily to her, what she really yearned for was peace and contentment so we practiced it.

By the end of our 12 sessions, she had a clear vision of what she wanted to accomplish during COVID lockdowns, with tools to keep kids focused, and a structured schedule she had been craving. Whenever Carrie got frenetic or felt the urge to start drinking, she used it as a reminder to feel her feelings. She slowed down and asked herself, “What is the feeling I’m trying not to feel?” She processed her negative emotions in a quick and easy way, then practiced the feeling of contentment. Once she stopped avoiding her negative emotions, Carrie’s playful and creative spirit made lockdowns fun for the whole family.

1. Can you find a silver lining to almost every situation and easily reframe negatives into positives?
2. Do you constantly seek new and stimulating people, ideas, or events to keep life exciting, adrenalized and moving forward?
3. Do you have trouble sustaining your focus on projects, people, and conversations without considerable effort?

1. Difficulty with Routine: Enneagram 7 parents may struggle to establish and maintain consistent routines, which can be challenging for children who thrive on predictability.
2. Impulsiveness & Risk Taking: They may sometimes act impulsively without fully considering the consequences, which can lead to inconsistency in discipline or decision-making.
3. Avoidance of Conflict: Enneagram 7 parents may shy away from confrontation or difficult conversations, which can hinder effective communication within the family or prevent moms from setting boundaries and being “The bad guy”.
4. Restlessness: Enneagram 7 parents may have difficulty staying focused on long-term goals or commitments, which can be unsettling for children who crave stability.
5. Tendency to Overcommit: Enneagram 7 parents may take on too many obligations or activities, leaving little time for quality bonding with their children.
6. Fear of Missing Out (FOMO): They may feel compelled to constantly seek out new experiences, which can detract from their ability to feel content in life.

• To process negative emotions and trust that their needs will be met.
• The ability to feel calm and satisfied in the quiet moments of life.
• To prioritize their many passions and move forward with goals that truly matter.
• To rely on their inner guidance

I was working on a somatic mind-body coaching program and needed some people to practice on. Naveah was having pain on her side of unknown origin. The doctors couldn’t find any explanation for her pain and it was causing her a lot of anxiety. I walked her through an exercise in listening to her body. I asked her to name 5 things on her to do list and notice how the body responds to these tasks. The goal was to be able to identify the difference between the BRAIN and the BODY. When we asked her body how it felt about going on her daily 10 mile run, it gave a negative reading (heavy and constrictive) but Naveah didn’t like this response. She quickly dismissed it saying enthusiastically, “I love my morning run! It’s the best part of my day! I’m training for a triathlon! I have to run! Running makes me feel better!”

This was such a great example of how her BRAIN was saying she loved running, but her BODY was telling a different story. Naveah’s Type 7 personality didn’t want to recognize that there was anything “negative” getting in the way of her fun. She didn’t want to SLOW DOWN and REST even though her body was asking for exactly those two things.

The problem with overriding the body is that this is where our inner wisdom comes from. Our intuition or inner guidance speaks to us through our physical sensations. When Naveah ignored the heaviness and fatigue, her body screamed louder through side body pain.

7’s are the most prone to addiction because of their adrenaline seeking, happiness seeking tendencies. Seven’s fear of being deprived of happiness and being held captive by emotional pain and suffering.

The work of the Type 7 is to learn to trust your inner knowing and be able to process the quieter, darker emotions in an effective way so that you can get back to being your joyful self.

• Learn to sit quietly in a room alone. If you can’t do 5 minutes, do 1 minute or 30 seconds of deep breathing, working your way up to longer. If you can’t sit, go for a walk in nature. Always reminding yourself that you can be still and alone and nothing bad happens.
• Start tuning inward to understand the voice of your inner wise guide. It’s not urgent or a craving. It’s not jumpy, or loud. Our inner wisdom speaks softly, through subtle physical sensations of constriction or expansion. (unless you ignore it for years, then the pain gets louder and harder to ignore, but it will never go away.) Practice on things easy things: Do I want tomato soup or minestrone? Do I feel like running the treadmill or riding the bike? Work your way up to bigger things.
• Be mindful of the tendency towards addiction and find a safe space to help you access the more scary and vulnerable emotions. We need access to ALL our emotions in order to be whole. Therapy, life coaching, AA groups can help you evolve into wholeness and have a good time without hiding from your fears.

Please join the Supermom is Getting Tired facebook group if you want to continue the discussion.

Listen to more podcasts HERE .

Type 6’s are dutiful & committed to their systems, groups, relationships and beliefs, and will hold on to these longer than other types. Once they align themselves with people and institutions they trust, they make excellent team players who are well-liked, loyal, and detail oriented. They take pleasure in being cooperative and can be endearing, friendly and funny companions.

Sixes work hard to protect their kids, colleagues, friends, and loved ones by staying alert and vigilant, anticipating and preparing for what could go wrong.

Sixes love identifying as a mom and enjoy creating a stable home environment to raise their kids in. These moms like feeling connected to their community. They join churches and PTA’s and volunteer for troop leader, room mom, coach and car pool organizer.

Type Sixes are security oriented. When considering what to do, how to solve a problem, and what decisions to make, they look outside of themselves for the answer. They believe external authority figures are supposed to take care of everything but, they cannot be trusted to do so. This back and forth of wanting to trust external authority, but simultaneously not trusting it, creates a lot of anxiety.

Sixes have come to believe that they don’t have the inner resources required to get through life on their own so they need the support of friends, families, religious groups, jobs, political affiliations, and social media support to feel safe.

Sixes worry about the worst case scenarios and “what might go wrong?” before committing to a course of action. Their internal committee causes them to second guess and create self doubt.

“Hope for the best but plan for the worst” could be a mantra for the Enneagram Type 6.

Because they have so many fears, they are the most courageous of all types because they are constantly using bravery to face life’s “what if’s”. They live life, move forward and get things done despite their fear.

[caption id="attachment_14901" align="alignright" width="1080"] Enneagram Type 6[/caption]

Type 6 is the most contradicting of all types. They trust authority but rebel against it. They are anxious and courageous, optimistic and pessimistic. Making it hard to identify their type.

Their fear of being without support can manifest in various ways, leading them to seek reassurance from others and to form strong bonds with people they trust.

They might seek reassurance by caring about their physical image, valuing physical power and typical cultural ideas about societal beauty. They want to look the part so they can feel safe.

They might seek reassurance by focusing on career and making money, wanting to control their financial resources and having external symbols of successes like houses, cars, church and school affiliations.

They might seek reassurance by questioning authority, complaining and rebelling against these systems but not leaving them. The Six is the most likely to hang on to an unhealthy relationship, career, organization, or belief, even when it’s clear it’s no longer working for her. They are the most likely of all the types to suffer from “Tall Poppy Syndrome”. An Australian term used to describe how people are attacked, criticised, resented or cut down when they are more successful than their peers. Sixes feel safest when they achieve success within a group and feel vulnerable standing apart from their peers.

Michelle was BURNED OUT at her job. Everyday she would calculate how many more years she needed to work until she could retire, rearranging the formulas hoping to find a way to follow her hearts desire and just get out. She scanned job boards, took promotions, and entertained new career paths trying to find the path to freedom that felt SAFE.

The committee in her head was filled with opinions about how irresponsible it would be to leave, and how she just needed to suck it up for another 8 years so she could retire with full benefits. The fear of defying her internal committee felt DANGEROUS. When she came to life coaching she learned to question the messages her scared committee was sending her. She realized that no amount of job searching was helping calm down the fear of going against the grain and trusting her inner guidance. It was clear that her higher self was telling her it was time to go but she had learned at young age to ignore her gut and trust external authority.

Together we discovered internal and external voices that validated her desire to leave her job. She met with a financial advisor who walked through the numbers, showing her she would be fine to leave. She started hanging out with friends who had made career shifts in midlife. She found podcasts and mentors who encouraged her to trust her gut.

I remember the day I mentioned the word “sabbatical”. She repeated the word back to me with enthusiasm, “sabbatical”. That’s a THING people do! She took a breath in and her whole body relaxed. Suddenly her “radical, irresponsible idea” had a word. Knowing that there was a precedent of other responsible, hard working people to take a break from their careers, made it ok for her to do it, too.

It’s been one year since she left her job and is loving life so much she is planning to extend her sabbatical another year.

Until they can get in touch with their own inner guidance, Sixes are like a ping-pong ball that is constantly shuttling back and forth between whatever influence is hitting the hardest in any given moment.

Sixes want their family members to share beliefs so they feel safe. When families have different political, idealogical or religious perspectives, it can be very hard for them to adapt and accept.

Joanna was raised by a conservative religious family and a military father. Expectations were very clear growing up, and punishments strictly enforced for those who did not conform to the familial expectation. It took a lot of personal work and therapy for Joanna to trust her inner guidance and leave her religion. She looked forward to giving her kids freedom to choose their own spiritual guidance and build a relationship with a higher power that was unique to them. So when her son decided he wanted to JOIN the religion she FOUGHT so hard to leave, she panicked!

Joanna also had a hard time when her kids would misbehave. She knew she didn’t want to be punitive like her Dad was, so she was understanding and lenient. When they acted up, all she could think was “Do you know how lucky you are? Do you know what my Dad would have done in this situation?” She wanted them to be grateful but instead they were rude and dismissive, taking advantage of her kindness. Joanna felt powerless because the only tool she had in her tool belt was something she didn’t want to use.

Together we worked on building new tools for getting kids to listen and obey. She found her calm leadership energy and used it to get the respect she deserved.

[caption id="attachment_14900" align="alignright" width="997"] Enneagram Type 6[/caption]

Sixes are strong and weak, trusting and distrusting, defenders and provokers, aggressive and passive, bullies and weaklings, on the defensive and on the offensive, thinkers and doers, believers and doubters, etc. It is the contradictory picture that is characteristic of Sixes.

The biggest problem for Sixes is that they try to build safety in the environment without resolving their own emotional insecurities. When they learn to face their anxieties, however, Sixes understand that although the world is always changing and is, by nature uncertain, they can be serene and courageous in any circumstance. And they can attain the greatest gift of all, a sense of peace with themselves despite the uncertainties of life.

1. Do you constantly anticipate multiple scenarios, thinking about what could go wrong and trying to plan so that this will not occur?
2. Is it difficult to imagine a best case scenario or a positive future?
3. Do you feel anxious frequently and intensley?

• Over-protection - Constantly worrying about what could go wrong and feeling responsible to protect their children from a scary, mistrusting world.
• Anxious parenting may cause kids to have a fearful and mistrusting world view. Subconsconously teaching kids hypervigilance and anxiety.
• Fear of Independence - May micromanage kid’s lives preventing them from learning from life’s experiences or thinking independently from mom.
• Seeking external authority from parenting experts, family, friends and schools can lead to self doubt and anxiety when these groups disagree with one another.
• Difficulty setting boundaries for fear of rejection and breaking the emotional bond. Indecision, analysis paralysis, and rebelling against external authorities can leave kids confused about what the rules are.

1. To learn to trust their own inner guidance.
2. To learn to trust the world is a safe place.
3. To give equal time to the idea that good things happen just as often, if not more frequently, than bad things happening.
4. To be less anxious and more in control.

In health, Sixes are intellectual and insightful. They have learned to trust their own inner authority rather than look to other people to keep them safe. As a result, they are confident, calm and resilient, connecting with others in a deep, steady and warm hearted way. They are clear and courageous, trusting their ability to look after themselves.

In stress, Sixes are fearful when their kids start to individuate and create values different from mom. They experience a lot of anxiety and frenzy while trying to control things they have no control over. They engage in continous worse case scenario thinking and imagine all the bad things that could possibly happen.

1. Bring your brain into the present moment. Name 5 things you see in front of you and ask yourself, “Am I in any immediate danger?” If not, reassure yourself that “In this moment, all is well.” Learning to bring your brain out of the future and into the present is a helpful exercise for the anxious six.
2. Learn about the Law of Attraction and practice imagining things going well. Worrying feels like healthy preparation to the six, but the Law of Attraction teaches that imagining positive outcome helps to make positive outcomes!
3. Use the 14 day Supermom Challenge to connect with your inner guidance. Learning to listen to the voice of our higher self, instead of the voice anxiety, can help the Six learn to trust their own wisdom instead of external authorities. www.LifeCoachingforParents.com/challenge

Please join the Supermom is Getting Tired facebook group if you want to continue the discussion.

Listen to more podcasts HERE .

The Enneagram Type 5, often referred to as "The Investigator" or "The Observer," is known for their thirst for knowledge, a desire to understand, and a tendency towards introspection and solitude.

These perceptive, cerebral problem solvers are intensely curious and love to delve into topics that interest them. 5’s are lifelong learners and enjoy acquiring expertise in areas that captivate their intellect.

Type 5s value their independence and autonomy. They are introspective by nature and need solitude to recharge and reflect on their thoughts and ideas.

Type 5s tend to be reserved and observant in social situations. They prefer to listen and observe as they gather information and analyze their surroundings. When they do speak, their words are well thought out presenting fully formed ideas.

Type 5 individuals excel at strategic thinking and problem-solving. They have a knack for seeing patterns and connections, which enables them to come up with innovative solutions to complex problems.

Imagine we all wake up everyday with our battery fully charged at 100%. Throughout the day, work, kids, chores, arguing and traffic can drain our energy so that by bedtime we are at 0%. Enneagram type 5's start the day with their battery charged at 20% and being out in the world drains it quickly so they need to retreat in order to charge it up again. This makes fives keep involvement with others to a minimum. Small talk, sharing feelings and socializing can feel like an intrusion making relationships challenging.

It’s not uncommon for reserved Type 5s to adopt a minimalist lifestyle. They prefer to keep their life simple so that there are fewer demands on their time, energy and attention.

Core Fear: being incompetent, incapable, or ignorant. They fear being overwhelmed by the demands of the world and not having the resources to navigate it successfully.

Core Belief: They must protect themselves from the demands of the world by accumulating knowledge and minimizing their needs. They believe that by being self-sufficient and intellectually competent, they can avoid feeling overwhelmed or vulnerable.

Core Motivation: Want to possess knowledge, to understand the environment, to have everything figured out as a way of defending the self from threats from the environment.

Ahn came up to me after I spoke at a parenting conference wanting to make sure she was setting her kids up for a successful future. She moved to the U.S. to give her kids the best opportunities and had been reading parenting books and attending conferences to learn more about U.S. parenting culture.

Ahn had taken an intellectual approach to parenting, diving deep into educational theories, child and brain development. She provided her kids a stable home environment and kept the peace with her gentle demeanor.

Because it was clear she was meeting all of her kids’ intellectual needs, I decided to take a “whole brain approach” with her. I talked about how the school her kids went to emphasized left brain skills but where she could supplement at home were the right brain skills.

She was hungry to learn more so I talked about engineering companies were complaining that the kids coming to work for them had plenty of education but not enough real life experience. Kids today weren’t doing enough tinkering in the backyard, building things, jumping off things, playing with rocks, water and sand. The businesses of today were noticing that this lack of playful experimentation had negative career consequences down the road.

She was practically salivating! She had a park down the road from her home that she had never taken her kids to because she thought it was a waste of time!

I talked about other right brain skills: empathy, art, storytelling, play, and how she could help her kids develop their right brains at home while they worked on their left brains at school. I suggested the Daniel Pink book “Why Right Brain Thinkers are Going to Rule the Future.” and I felt so happy that I could give Ahn’s kids a happier childhood by being able to speak the language of the enneagram 5.

1. Do I minimize my exposure to the outside world to conserve energy?

2. Do I prefer accumulating knowledge and information over material possessions, clothes, or symbols of status?

3. When a situation gets emotional, intense or overwhelming, do I disconnect from my feelings in the moment and then reconnect with them later, at a time and place of your choice? (or become anxious because these feelings were suppressed?)

Behind Fives’ relentless pursuit of knowledge are deep insecurities about their ability to function successfully in the world. Fives feel that they do not have an ability to do things as well as others. But rather than engage directly with activities that might bolster their confidence, Fives “take a step back” into their minds where they feel more capable. Their belief is that from the safety of their minds they will eventually figure out how to do things—and one day rejoin the world.

The intense focus of Fives can thus lead to remarkable discoveries and innovations, but when the personality is more fixated, it can also create self-defeating problems. This is because their focus of attention unwittingly serves to distract them from their most pressing practical problems. Whatever the sources of their anxieties may be—relationships, lack of physical strength, inability to gain employment, and so forth—average Fives tend not to deal with these issues. Rather, they find something else to do that will make them feel more competent.

Emotional Availability: Type 5 parents may struggle to express emotions openly and provide the emotional support and validation that children need. They may prioritize intellectual engagement over emotional connection, which could lead to difficulties in nurturing their children's emotional development.

Need for Space and Solitude: Type 5 parents value their alone time and may require significant periods of solitude to recharge and pursue their interests. Balancing the need for personal space with the demands of parenting, which often involve constant interaction and engagement, can be challenging for Type 5 parents.

Difficulty with Spontaneity: Type 5s tend to prefer structure and predictability in their lives. They may struggle with the spontaneous and unpredictable nature of children, finding it challenging to adapt to the ever-changing demands and needs of parenting.

Overemphasis on Independence: Type 5 parents may be ready for their kids to grow up and become self sufficient, long before the kids are ready to do so. While independence is important, it's also crucial for children to feel supported and nurtured as they navigate the world.

Anxiety: 5’s tend to have very busy brains and are prone to ruminating, overthinking and mental spinning. Their slow external pace can hide a hyper anxious mind and the suppressing of emotions and ignoring the body exacerbates this anxiety.

1. To understand and connect with their children.

2. To focus on time management and accomplishing goals.

3. To reduce anxiety and find tools for relaxing the nervous system.

4. To help them take breaks from parenting.

Monique came to life coaching in, what I call, “zombie mommy mode”. She was going through the motions of her life without feeling fully present, alive or connected. She didn’t know what was wrong, the hamster wheel she ran on everyday kept her family on autopilot. She had the job, the house, and the family life she wanted, but she felt lost.

Once we figured out she was an enneagram 5, it was easy to see what was missing. Monique needed alone time and she needed delve into learning something new.

It started with taking a day to herself to explore the city. She wandered through museums, spending as much time as she wanted at each exhibit without listening to complaining kids. It was HEAVEN for her. When Monique came home, her husband and kids noticed a marked difference in her demeanor. She seemed happier, more relaxed, like her old self. Her husband suggested she take a whole weekend away next time, and she did.

She signed up for a free walking tour, diving into the history of the city. She relished the quiet evenings to herself. She enjoyed a two hour breakfast where she actually got to READ the whole NEWSPAPER before visiting some of the city's historical landmarks.

These weekends gave her the quiet time she needed to fill up her cup, get a break from the noise, chaos and clutter at home, and devote time to her favorite activity, learning.

Other enneagram types worry about what people will think if they take breaks away from this kids, but fives don’t care about that. These thoughtful, self sufficient investigators like to maximize their mental abilities, avoid taking risks and value integrity over social acceptance.

1. Focus on making decisions and accomplishing tasks.

Notice when you are getting intensely involved in projects that do not necessarily support your self-esteem, confidence, or life situation. It is possible to follow many different fascinating subjects, games, and pastimes, but they can become huge distractions from what you know you really need to do. Decisive action will bring more confidence than learning more facts or acquiring more unrelated skills.

2. Use physical activity to get out of mental spirals.

Fives tend to be extremely intense and so high-strung that find it difficult to relax and unwind. Make an effort to learn to calm down in a healthy way, without drugs or alcohol. Exercising or using biofeedback techniques will help channel some of your tremendous nervous energy. Meditation, jogging, yoga, and dancing are especially helpful for your type.

3. Learn active listening.

Living with children means living with emotional beings. Try repeating what you hear them say. Paraphrasing their thoughts and feelings will help your kids feel heard, seen and felt.It also gives your brain something to do and builds a close connection without having to empathize with all their emotions.

• Type 4s possess a rich inner world and often have a unique artistic sensibility. They are drawn to creative pursuits such as writing, music, art, or other forms of self-expression.
• 4’s have a keen awareness of their own emotions and are often highly empathetic towards others. Their ability to feel deeply allows them to connect with the emotional experiences of those around them.
• Type 4s value authenticity and genuineness, striving to live in alignment with their true selves. They are often unafraid to embrace their quirks, eccentricities, and vulnerabilities.
• They have a natural inclination towards introspection and self-reflection, which can lead to profound insights and personal growth.
• Type 4s are empathetic and compassionate towards others' emotional struggles. They have a knack for understanding and validating the feelings of those around them.
• They have a deep appreciation for beauty in all its forms, whether it's found in art, nature, or human experiences.

Type 4s can be prone to experiencing intense emotional highs and lows, sometimes struggling with feelings of sadness, longing, or melancholy.

Parenting can often really help a 4's tendency to indulge in self-pity or self-absorption. 

Type 4s may romanticize the past or fantasize about an idealized future, sometimes struggling to fully engage with the present moment.

Type 4s may struggle with feelings of envy or comparison, longing for what they perceive others to have or be. This can sometimes lead to a sense of dissatisfaction or discontentment.

4's can have difficulty with criticism, taking it personally and feeling deeply wounded by even constructive feedback. Their sensitive nature can make them vulnerable to rejection or perceived slights.

Understanding these strengths and weaknesses can help Type 4s navigate their personal growth journey and cultivate more balanced and fulfilling lives.

Beth was a loving and devoted mom. One of those moms I envy because she was always coming up with fun creative ways to play with her kids. She made up stories and dressed up in costumes to act out skits. She played music and encouraged spontaneous sing-a-longs. Her Christmas presents were so creative and uniquely catered to each child. 

She was excited when her kids got the opportunity to travel for a month with their grandparents.

She had high aspirations for all she would accomplish while they were gone.

She was going to clean out closets and work on her creative art projects. 

But once they were gone, she felt lost. Her idealized plans for productivity quickly spiraled into feelings of inadequacy and despair. Hours and hours of time spent inside her head connected her with her melancholy and inner critic. She realized how much having kids around helped pull her outside of herself. 

Her month of melancholy made her start fearing her kids’ growing independence. She loved having her kids around and didn’t want to be clinging to their ankles as they went off to college. She was scared for her future so she decided to start a savings account for herself alongside the kids’ college tuition savings. When her youngest child got her driver’s license, she hired me to help her design an empty nest strategy. 

Enneagram Type 4’s rarely need help feeling their feelings, they need help taking action despite their feelings. 

Core Fear: Enneagram Type 4s fear being inadequate, defective, or emotionally empty. They dread feeling ordinary or mundane, striving instead to find a unique identity or significance that sets them apart from others.

Core Desire: The primary desire of Type 4s is to find their own sense of identity and authenticity. They long to be seen and understood for who they truly are, valuing self-expression and individuality above conformity.

Core Motivation: Enneagram Type 4s are motivated by a quest for self-discovery and self-expression. They seek to explore their inner worlds and emotions deeply, often using creative outlets to articulate their unique perspectives and experiences.

Angelica had open, loving and supportive relationships with her kids. She had no problem adjusting to her child who identified as non-binary. She encouraged all her kids to express themselves in the way that felt most authentic to them. New and creative outfits, hair coloring and artistic pursuits were valued in her home. 

But when one child wanted to attend Christian Sunday School with their friends she felt her values were being rejected. She viewed it as a desire to conform to peer pressure, making it mean she made the wrong decision in choosing where to raise her kids. When the other child wanted to go out for cheerleading, she believed she had completely failed as a mother. 

The 4’s tend to blame themselves when their kids don’t live up to expectations. They have idealized pictures of what life can and “should” be like and compare themselves to these idealized images, criticizing themselves harshly when it doesn’t match up. 

Angelica and I worked on letting go of “perfect pictures” and used her love of spontaneity to live in the present moment and meet her kids where they were each day. Instead of thinking she had “failed”, Angelica viewed her kids’ interests as “trying on new outfits to see which one fit”. The more she learned about her kids’ personalities as separate from hers, the less rejection she felt. 

The 4 personality type loves the deep and personal relationships they form with their kids. It can be a struggle when kids want to pull away and individuate. 

1. When you feel something very strongly, do you hold on to  your emotinos intensely for long periods of time, constantly replaying your thoughts, feelings, and sensations? 
2. Do you think of melancholy as a pleasurable experience?
3. Do you continually search for deep connections with others and feel distraught when these connections become severed? 

• Intensity of emotions: Type 4s are highly attuned to their emotions and may experience intense feelings on a regular basis. This emotional depth can be overwhelming for them and may make it challenging to regulate their emotions, especially in high-stress parenting situations.
• Tendency towards melancholy: Fours are prone to experiencing periods of melancholy or sadness, which can affect their parenting style. They may struggle to maintain a positive and upbeat atmosphere in the home, especially during challenging times.
• Focus on authenticity: Authenticity is crucial for Type 4s, and they may prioritize being true to themselves above all else. This focus on authenticity may clash with societal norms or expectations around parenting, leading to feelings of isolation or alienation. 
• Comparison with idealized images: Fours often compare themselves to idealized images of what they believe they should be. As parents, they may struggle with feelings of inadequacy or self-doubt if they perceive themselves as falling short of their own or society's expectations.
• Difficulty with routine: Type 4s may resist or struggle with routine and structure, preferring spontaneity and flexibility. Establishing and maintaining consistent routines for their children may require extra effort and patience on their part.

• 4’s tend to BELIEVE what they FEEL.

When a 13 year old starts closing their bedroom door for privacy, a 4 may take it as a personal rejection. When a 4 feels rejected, they interpret it as rejection. I help them de-personalize their kid’s behavior by understanding their child’s unique personality (as separate from mom) and understanding typical teen behavior. 

• Offering a logical, practical outsiders perspective is very helpful for these moody 4’s.

Asking questions like, “Are you absolutely sure that thought is true?” “How would you know if you have ‘ruined your kids’?” Could the opposite be just as true if not truer?” Pulling 4’s out of their negative emotions and into the logical part of their brain is a HUGE benefit for these emotionally intense 4’s. 

• To help them find time for creative expression.

The demands of motherhood can consume all moms, but especially Enneagram type 4’s who feel and think deeply and intensely. Carving out time for themselves is KEY to helping Supermom stay sane in the land of crazy. 

• To tame the inner critic! 4’s are so hard on themselves!

They seem to have an unbalanced perception of reality, taking negative feedback as confirmation that something is wrong with them and quickly rejecting positive feedback. 4’s can lack effective filters to help determine whether a negative perception is accurate. Having an outsider offer a balanced perspective is invaluable. 

• To help moms feel connected to their growing adolescents without having to constantly engage in deep, meaningful interactions.

To let go and trust that it’s enough. 

• To feel more capable of making things happen and to manifest their dreams rather than feeling things are happening TO them.

4’s tend to put off things that feel uninteresting or mundane allowing small things to pile up. Life coaches can help 4’s create and stick to a plan for accomplishing tasks. 

1. Deliberately think positive thoughts about yourself and others. Look in the mirror and say something nice. Brag about something good you did in your journal. Then select another person to think positively about without making any comparisons to yourself. 
2. Take action from your values instead of your emotions. If you are feeling too emotionally overwhelmed to tackle your to do list, acknowledge the emotions but stay in charge of yourself. Ask yourself, “Which do I value more: staying in bed because of overwhelming emotions or getting things done despite my emotions?” “If my kids didn’t want to go to school or dance because they felt sad, would I suggest they go anyway hoping the social activity or physical release would help?” 
3. Prioritize mental clarity and taking care of business. You are great at connecting with your emotions, creativity and empathy, but there are certain aspects of life that benefit from structure. If you find yourself dwelling in negative emotions, focus your attention on others. How can addressing this ‘boring” task benefit my family? 

Listen to more podcasts HERE .

[caption id="attachment_14730" align="alignnone" width="300"] Enneagram Type 3 - The Achiever[/caption]

Threes value achievement, results, and recognition and like to do their best. They tend to be ambitious, efficient, highly flexible and adaptable to help them accomplish their goals. Hard working and principled, Three’s can make reliable, devoted parents with the will and energy to be their best.

Image-conscious: Maintaining a positive image is crucial for Type 3s. They are concerned about how others perceive them and often work hard to present themselves in a favorable light.

Adaptable: Threes are adaptable and can adjust their behavior to fit different situations. They are skilled at reading social cues and can be charming and engaging.

Competitive: Threes are naturally competitive and enjoy measuring their success against others. This competitiveness can drive them to excel and achieve their goals.

Focus on productivity: Threes have a strong work ethic and are highly productive. They prioritize efficiency and effectiveness in their tasks and projects.

Fear of failure: Despite their outward confidence, Threes often have an underlying fear of failure. They may tie their self-worth to their achievements and feel a sense of emptiness or inadequacy if they don't meet their goals.

Attention to appearance: Threes are conscious of their physical appearance and the impression they make on others. They may invest time and effort in looking polished and put-together.

Desire for recognition: Recognition and acknowledgment of their achievements are crucial for Threes. They thrive on positive feedback and appreciation from others.

Tendency to suppress emotions: Threes may suppress or downplay their emotions, focusing more on what is pragmatic and efficient. They might prioritize tasks over addressing personal feelings.

Struggle with authenticity: Threes may struggle with authenticity, as they can be prone to presenting a persona that aligns with societal expectations rather than expressing their true selves.

—----------------- Core Fear: Threes have a deep-seated fear of failure and being perceived as unsuccessful. They are afraid of not living up to expectations, losing face, or being seen as incompetent.

Core Desire: The core desire of Enneagram Type 3 is to be successful and admired. Threes seek recognition, approval, and acknowledgment for their achievements. They desire to be seen as competent, accomplished, and capable in the eyes of others.

Core Motivation: The core motivation for Type 3 is driven by the need to excel and succeed. Threes are motivated to prove their worth and value through their accomplishments. They work hard to achieve their goals, often striving for external validation as a measure of their success.

I worked with a client for 3 sessions before she stopped showing up. She was exhausted from working at her demanding career all day, and caring for her 3 daughters in the evening.

On our first call, I pointed out that our energy goes where our attention goes. She realized her attention was focused outside of herself all day, taking care of business, but never focused inward, onto her body and emotions. She craved her own attention but when we discussed sitting down for 5 minutes to just breathe and catch her breath, she panicked.

Intellectually, she understood the benefit of resting and giving herself some time and attention, but it triggered a lot of fear.

“There is too much to get done” “More work will pile up if I stop” are the thoughts that run through the minds of type 3 Supermoms who value efficiency and productivity, over emotions. I’ve helped many 3’s learn to value relaxation but this mom stopped coming before we get over the resistance to relaxation and the fear of inefficiency.

3 Questions to help decipher your type:

1. Do you mind cutting corners for the sake of efficiency?
2. Do you always want to be the best? (even beating your kids at board games?)
3. How important is it to you that other people see your achievements?

Elizabeth was a people oriented go-getter. She loved leading a team and getting things done at her prestigious job. When she showed up for coaching sessions, she had an agenda of topics to cover and her desired results.

The topics often had a theme, someone else was displeased with her. She could intuit the emotional discord but didn’t know how to process the emotions of it. I learned to ask about her sleep and her overeating, as this was the best barometer of how she was feeling.

Three’s care about people but when things get tough, they get down to business. Elizabeth had a hard time understanding why other people didn’t see things they way she did. They often got stuck in their emotions and couldn’t see that her decisions were logical and efficient. Others could view her as emotionally distant, impatient and dismissive.

During coaching sessions, Elizabeth overcame her fear of vulnerability and sat with her uncomfortable emotions. She used her difficulty sleeping and overeating as a reminder to tune inwards and ask, “What am I trying not to feel?”. Then she practiced the 90 second process of feeling feelings so that she could move past it in the most efficient way possible.

• Extra curricular activity is the first thing to go. Difficulty taking breaks, unplugging and having fun even while on vacation. Their fear of being seen as a failure or incompetent can override their desire for self care. Relaxation takes last priority because it doesn’t feed their image of success. 3’s worry about being considered worthless if they don’t achieve their goals but all this ignoring of their emotions can cause depression if they don’t get enough down time or personal time.
• Under stress, Three’s go to numbness and inaction which connects them with the worthless feelings they try hard to avoid. When 3’s are burned out and they rest, it feels like giving up on themselves rather than self nurture and self love.
• The image-conscious nature of Threes can translate into a desire for their family to appear successful and accomplished. Seeking social prestige can be tricky when the definition of success keeps changing - physical appearance, career success, family dynamics. Compare and despair. Competitive.
• Overscheduling and Overcommitment because they are so liked and depended upon. Relationships that require emotional vulnerability are really challenging. Because 3’s don’t dwell on failure, a critical comment from a loved one can derail a 3 and cause them to withdrawal.
• Pressure to succeed: Type 3 parents may unintentionally project their own desire for success onto their children. This can create an environment where the child feels pressured to meet high expectations, potentially leading to stress or kids feeling like they are worth less than your work or your image.
• Everyone has difficulty listening to long, boring kid stories but 3’s REALLY have a hard time. The emphasis on productivity and achievement might make it challenging for them to slow down and engage in meaningful, unhurried interactions with their kids.
• Balancing work and family life. Threes may find it challenging to be authentic about their struggles and imperfections as parents. The fear of failure and a desire to maintain a positive image may hinder open communication about difficulties or mistakes.

• To Learn effective and productive ways to process emotions quickly!
• To slow down, be in the present moment and make time to open their hearts to others.
• To say no
• Getting comfortable with vulnerability (zoom vs. phone)
• To take off the mask and be their true self. appreciate who they are at their core.
• To separate their achievements from their children so they can feel like successful parents.
• To understand the mind of a child who thinks differently than you.
• To accept and appreciate the diverse personalities of their kiddos.
• To create their own definition of success for each stage of life. There comes a time in every 3’s life where SOMETHING NEEDS TO GIVE. It’s helpful to see that the tools you used to become successful in your 20’s are not the same tools you need in your 30’s, 40’s and 50’s.

1. Find ways to combine productivity with down time instead of trying to cram your schedule full. (Horse ranch, eyelashes) Understand that it takes confidence and courage to say no, take a day off, and prioritize yourself.
2. Get your family to move quickly by entering their world instead of trying to bring them into your world. Play. Active listening. Love Languages.
3. Train your loved ones to say “We like you just as you are!” “You are prettiest when you are relaxing” and “I’ll clean the kitchen so you can take a bath.” Instead of waiting and hoping they say what you want to hear, write down the compliments you would love to receive and keep them handy. I kept a 3x5 card handy with the words, “I don’t know how you do it. I could never do what you do.” I would hand this card to my partner when he walked in the door after work trips and even though I was the one who wrote it, it really helped me feel validated and appreciated.

Jump in the Supermom is Getting Tired Facebook Group and tell me if you are a 3. What has helped you connect with your essence and emotions?

[caption id="attachment_14694" align="alignright" width="1080"] Enneagram Type #2[/caption]

Twos are warm, caring and welcoming at their core. Twos want to be liked and try to meet the needs of others. They are demonstrative and want to be valued for helping others and being a positive influence.Twos have their sense of self worth, pride and value linked to how others respond to them. If you believe these 3 sentences, then you might be a Two. -You can intuit what others need if you just pay close enough attention. -Relationships are what matters most -People like people who are as generous and thoughtful as I am.

Core fear: Being alone and unloved, rejected and unwanted, being thought of as needy, inconsequential and unworthy.

Twos cope with this fear by taking care of others and making themselves central to other people’s lives.

Core Motivation: To feel loved and appreciated, which is what motivates them to give love and appreciation to others. Two’s value kindness, generosity, and self-sacrifice. Caring and compassionate, Twos place a strong emphasis on relationships and have highly developed people skills. They can be generous with their time and resources and can easily become overcommitted and overworked.

Twos are most likely to become co-dependent and exhibit “exploding doormat syndrome”, surprising overreactions that come from suppressing their own wants and needs. Instead of setting boundaries, Twos can give and give, then explode with “I can’t take it anymore” “No one appreciates me”.

Ellie was a loving and generous mother who liked to dote on her kids, and her partner. She loved cooking them healthy meals and making them happy by buying and preparing them special food they loved to eat. Her family got used to her generosity and started expecting it. “When’s dinner?” “What did you pack me for lunch?” and, of course, “I don’t want to eat this.” This made her annoyed, resentful, and guilty because she blamed herself for creating this situation.

Ellie realized that she liked cooking for her teens when she wanted to, or because they were pleasant dining companions. She was happy to cook when her family appreciated it but as soon as her gift turned into an expectation, she no longer enjoyed it.

Ellie decided she would cook for herself. She told her family what she was making for herself and that she would happily double the recipe. If they didn’t want it, they were welcome to help themselves or make a peanut butter sandwich.

Putting her own desires first, helped her not feel resentful and continue to give, but only when the recipients desired her gift.

Two Supermoms are adept at intuiting the needs of their children and providing time, attention, advice, referrals and more. Twos tend to LOVE parenting young children and enjoy the hugs, appreciation and dependency that young kids can shower upon them. When these open hearted kids become grunting teenagers who no longer express appreciation, moms can feel sad or resentful.

The sensitivity to other people’s feelings allow the Two to recognize and often experience the feelings of others as if they were her own. This high empathy means Supermom Twos can often ride the emotional roller coaster ride of adolescence right along with their child. Twos take great pleasure in helping others and love to help their kids live up to their potential. If they perceive their kid is being treated unfairly, they will rise to their defense.

The middle school years were tough on Supermom Jasmine. She knew her daughter was struggling with her friendships and it pained her. Watching her daughter get left out as the friend group shifted was unbearable. She reached out to other moms to help include her daughter and smooth things over but her daughter didn’t want her mom to get involved. The more Jasmine tried to get her daughter to open up about her feelings, the more she withdrew and shut her out.

Jasmine reached out to see if I would be a good life coach for her middle schooler. After talking, I suggested she and I start coaching together to see if we could help her daughter in a different way. Jasmine learned the benefit of healthy boundaries, her daughter stopped seeing herself as a problem that needed fixing. She learned to let go of believing she was the only one who could and should solve her daughter’s problems. The more Jasmine built confidence in her daughter’s ability to handle life’s ups and downs, the more confident her kiddo became. She learned to see her daughter’s growing independence as a good thing and started focusing on the parts of her she left behind when she first became a mom.

Because Twos focus primarily on other people’s needs, they are often unaware of their own needs, frequently acting as if they have none. Two’s are the most reluctant to come to life coaching because they think self sacrificing is good and hiring a coach is indulgent, but this is the type that gains the most from having a coach.

Stephanie felt lost. She had been looking forward to this time when all her kids were in school so she could finally get time to herself. But quickly, she learned that having alone time didn’t magically reconnect her to herself. She spent her days doing chores for her family and friends. When she went out on dates with her partner or friends, the conversation always came around to the children. She really wanted to feel like herself again but was confused on how to get there. We started by talking about how our essence is connected to our desires and being able to ask yourself “What do I want?” is a powerful place to start. Not only was she unable to come up with any desires, she had resistance to believing it was worth spending time on. In her mind, giving was the only way to receive. The concept of “putting on your own oxygen mask first” and to “fill up your own cup so that it overflows” were designed for these self sacrificing Twos.

When she could see that “taking care of her kids’ mother” was the greatest gift she could give her children, she relaxed and started reconnecting with her spirit that had been long ignored.

After 3 months together, she sent me a beautiful card (because that’s what Two’s do) that read, “Thank You for giving me back my Stephanieness. My cup is full and I know how to keep it that way.”

Some Twos are more focused on individual relationships, others on helping groups, being in leadership positions, and a desire to stand above the crowd. This ability to prioritize people and relationships serves career minded Two’s very well. They can be very ambitious and successful, it’s just that the motivation comes from wanting to feel loved and appreciated.

Question to help decipher your type:

Do you intuitively know what someone else needs but have a hard time articulating your own needs, even to yourself? If you’re completely honest, do you believe that you can get almost anyone to like you if you really want to? Do you feel really good when others respond to you in the way you most want, but particularly deflated when this does not occur?

Supermom Kryptonite: What trips Twos up Giving to Get - manipulative giving, expect return on investment Assuming you know what’s best, giving unsolicited advice and wanting to be the reason others are happy or wanting others to be unwell so that they can help. Worrying and feeling bad for others, obsessing about ways to help. Becoming overworked and over committed, difficulty saying no. Difficulty asking for help but getting resentful that people don’t offer. It can be difficult for others to give them enough love to fill their cup. Wanting love, gifts, affection, appreciation but thinking “I shouldn’t have to ask”. Playing the martyr, “I suffer for you and you aren’t grateful”. A disintegrated Two can become demanding, manipulative, controlling and overbearing when feeling insecure. Emotional Insecurity happens when relationships get threatened. Disintegrated Two’s can be easy to offend and sensitive to criticism. Codependency - Twos can have a lack of respect for boundaries. They may over prioritizing the needs of others, feel guilty when doing things for themselves and struggle to prioritize themselves in relationships.

Hannah was a loving, empathetic and nurturing mother of three older kids. She loved mentoring them, helping them with their friendship struggles and problem solving personal challenges. They confided in her and she relished this role in their lives.

However, Hannah struggled to set boundaries with them. They took advantage of her kindness and were demanding, rude and disrespectful. She preferred the nurturing role she had when they were little and resisted stepping into an authoritative leader who commanded their respect.

Hannah was scared to be mean and punitive like her father was. It took some work but she was able to find her own calm leadership energy that felt powerful and respectful. Together we established her rules, consequences and overcame her resistance to claiming authority in her home.

Even though she missed being able to cuddle and sing to them, she stepped into her new authoritative role because she knew it would be good for them.

What Twos use life coaching for:

• Reconnect with their spirit and feel valued and worthy from the inside.
• Learn that self care isn’t selfish and that people appreciate it when they prioritize themselves.
• Learn to use their empathy and intuition appropriately, release worry, and set healthy boundaries.
• Maintain balance.
• Recognize the signs of being out of balance and know how to get back into equilibrium.

Twos rarely ask for help but appreciate it when help is offered.

Small Action Steps Twos Can Take to grow in a positive direction Find someone with a mother who doesn’t take good care of herself? Emotionally, financially, physically, notice what a burden it is on the child. The best gift you can give your kids is a well rested, happy, healthy balanced mother. What kind of care giver would you hire for your kids? Treat your children by treating yourself. Sign up for my Supermom Challenge www.LifeCoachingforParents.com/challenge Download the “How we feel” app and start paying attention to YOUR emotions multiple times a day. The reason Twos try to control and manipulate others, is because they are trying to avoid a feeling. Learning how to sit with your emotions for 90 seconds and feel them in the body will help Two’s stay in their own business and have clean boundaries.

Are you living with a Two? Healthy integrated Two’s can be easy to live but need others to encourage balance and self care. Disintegrated Twos can be controlling and manipulative, under the guise of being helpful. This toxic manipulation can be hard for outsiders to see but is important to address.

Jump in the Supermom is Getting Tired Facebook Group and tell me if you know what a young Two is as like as a child or teenager. Are they rescuing injured animals? Making homemade gifts for their teachers? Feeling the emotions of all the other kids in middle school or in the world?

Listen to more podcasts HERE .

Today I will help Enneagram Type #1's understand their motivation, release the burden of perfection, trust in their goodness and finally relax.

Ones are conscientious and ethical, with a strong sense of right and wrong. They are always striving to improve things, but afraid of making a mistake. Well-organized and fastidious, they try to maintain high standards, but can slip into being critical and perfectionistic. At their Best: wise, discerning, realistic, and noble. (Atticus Finch, Hermione Granger) At their worst: close minded, critical, self righteous (Osama Bin Laden)

You might hear a One say to their kids: “It’s my way or the highway” ,

“It’s important to take your responsibilities seriously.

“If you were more organized, this wouldn’t be a problem.”

“If you aren’t going to follow the rules, we aren’t going to play.”

Or you might hear them say:

“Why can’t I ever get it right?

“I can’t relax because there is still work to be done.”

Key Motivations: Want to be good and right, to strive higher and improve themselves and the world around them, to be consistent with their ideals, to justify themselves, to be beyond criticism so as not to be condemned by anyone.

Ones might express irritation and resentment regularly but try to control their anger because they see it as morally wrong. Ones have difficulty letting go, being silly, indulging, relaxing and going with the flow.

Type One Anja signed up for the Leading Your Teen group class and was super enthusiastic. She had taken parenting classes when her kids were young and appreciated learning new tools and strategies for parenting her kids. She read books and enjoyed striving to be her best. She participated and enjoyed getting coached. Learning about herself and ways in which she could improve made her feel competent. Acquiring strategies for raising teenagers helped her confidence that she was up to the task.

She spoke highly of the class to her friend Amy (also a type 1) assuming she would love it. Amy signed up for the class but struggled to get into a learning mindset. She was so wary of being criticized and afraid someone might think poorly of her that avoided participating. I suggested Amy drop the group class and switch to individual so we could focus on self compassion, believe in her goodness and tame her inner critic. Focusing on these things first got her into a place where learning could take place.

Ones monitor what they say, how they say it, with a very critical internal voice that scolds them for what they do wrong. They try to live up to the internal standards of what they believe to be behavior beyond reproach. When Ones take on a task, their intention is to do it right. Their mission is to seek perfection and avoid mistakes.

Whenever I hung out with my friend, just being around her made me a better mom. She had amazing tolerance for what I found to be difficult. She was patient and kind to EVERYONE else, except herself. She held herself to a very high standard. I didn’t get many glimpses inside her head but from what I could see, she had a ferocious drill sergeant who did not give her any of the credit she truly deserved.

Ones can be serious, single minded, and driven to work hard, while also being highly critical of themselves and others. If you are remodeling your kitchen or having brain surgery, you WANT to work with a One!

Ones are diligent, responsible, organized, and TIRED. But instead of resting when tired, they try to complete all the tasks thinking once everything is done, they can rest. Ones have difficulty relaxing unless on vacation because there is work to be done (and they dislike delegating).

Raising an ADHD kid who did not take school seriously was a huge stress on Julia. She couldn’t stand his lackadaisical attitude and procrastination and felt tied up in knots on a daily basis. But when she was on vacation, nothing stressed her out. She loved being “vacation mom”, so relaxed and open, so we studied her and figured out how to bring vacation Julia, back into everyday life at home.

Ones are highly discerning and try to do the best job possible, down to the smallest detail. They try to behave perfectly to cover up a deep fear of being flawed. Ones control their anger and disapprove of expressing anger, but can be judgmental and critical of their partner, their kids, the schools, coaches, etc. “There’s no excuse for being late.”

Christina didn’t take her perfectionism out on her 16 year old, but instead turned it onto the school system she was a part of. Everyday she’d pick her daughter up at school and interview her for pain, looking for injustices and problems she could help her solve. She thought the way to show her love was to have her back against a common enemy. Together they would bad mouth the teachers, the school system, and her friends. This made Christina feel aligned and connected with her daughter, but it was a catch 22. Her teen felt the only way to make her mom happy, was to focus on her unhappiness. She felt she had to choose between betraying her mom or betraying the system she was participating in.

Ones look for fault in other people because it allows them to feel better in comparison.

“Everyone needs to do their part to make the world a better place.”

“Why can’t anyone do anything right?”

1. Do you have a constant internal critic, that you’ve had since you were a child, that never gives you an atta girl, that you aren’t behaving appropriately and you don’t have what it takes.
2. Do you have a constant need for self-improvement, while knowing that no one will ever be perfect?
3. Do you have a hard time relaxing, having fun, and getting away from your responsibility unless you are on vacation?

• Fixate on small imperfections “There’s no excuse for being late.”The question “Will this matter 10 years from now?” is a great daily question Ones can ask themselves.
• Obsess and micromanage (Checking powerschool everyday? Focusing on one tardy or A-)
• Need to fix everything that is broken in the world and get resentful when others don’t share their beliefs about right and wrong. “Cows are the biggest producers of carbon emissions so if we care about the planet we shouldn’t eat meat.” Ones don’t want their beliefs to be challenged. “Let’s agree to disagree” is a difficult concept for Ones.
• Analysis paralysis can cause procrastination. You want to organize the playroom but since there is no way to do it perfectly, you leave it a mess and get resentful that no one else is annoyed or helping you with it.
• Difficulty feeling satisfied. Ones can be an exemplary role model parent to everyone else but they don’t feel the inner satisfaction because their inner critic keeps telling them unless you are perfect, you suck.
• Difficulty delegating to others and spending time and money on relaxation and self care because the voice in their head says they don’t deserve it and it’s not “ morally good”.“I’ll load the dishwasher because I’ll have to do it again anyway because you won’t do it right.”

• Tame the inner critic and increase compassion for self and others.
• Develop an inner cheerleader who gets equal headspace.
• To relax, have more fun, and feel more serene. Learn when to take off the Supermom cape, and when to put it back on.
• Add humor, levity and lightheartedness into parenting.

Example: Davina came to life coaching feeling resentful that her kids liked their Dad more than her. He was more playful with them and she knew it. She wanted to be more fun loving but felt like there was too much work to get done. Davina’s hard work ethic served her well in her career but at home it was costing her connection with her family. She couldn’t stand watching them lounge on the weekend, not doing anything productive.

Through coaching, Davina became aware of this mean critical voice in her head that said “relaxing is bad, productivity is good.” (all the time, everyday, no matter what). She learned that her main motivation for working so hard was a fear of what this inner critic was going to say the minute she sat down and stopped working. She decided to see this voice as a prison guard, keeping her locked in this “all work and no play” prison. Instead of pretending this prison guard wasn’t there, she befriended it. She would negotiate with it saying “I promise I’ll go to the gym tomorrow morning if you’ll step aside for two hours tonight while I watch a movie with my kiddos.”

As Davina took the pressure off herself, she was able to take the pressure off her family, too, and allow them to relax.

1. Start celebrating mistakes. Purposefully do things wrong, slack off, drop a ball, and celebrate it with your family. Leave the dishes in the sink just to prove you can. Don’t contribute anything to the class party. This will help you become more flexible, increase levity, and show that inner perfectionist who’s boss.
2. Redefine your definition of success. Many Ones define success as “doing everything right”. Think about the people you admire, that you consider successful. What is it about them that looks like success to you? Often, Ones will notice things like “balanced” “fun loving” along with “passionate and driven”.
3. Create a “Relaxation Challenge” - Ones like improving themselves so instead of seeing relaxation as something you earn after all your work is done and perfect, see it as a task to complete. Start with 5 minutes of guilt free relaxation and set the timer. Work your way up to 30 minutes in the middle of the day. Do research showing the benefit of midday naps, sitting in the sunshine, or just savoring a cup of tea while staring into space. By flipping the script and making relaxation a chore and a challenge, ones can increase balance and joy in their lives.

Listen to more podcasts HERE .

Introduction to the Enneagram

The next 9 episodes are designed to help us become saner, wiser, more compassionate, moms and humans. The enneagram types will reveal patterns about how you interpret the world, and the world around you. You will learn what’s holding you back and get tools and tips to feel better using this ancient personality system called the Enneagram.

The enneagram is a symbol with points, lines and wings. It is a complex system that has been studied from many different perspectives. It is certainly worthy of a deep dive if you are interested but this is a podcast for busy mamas so we aren’t going into the nitty gritty. We’re just going to use the wisdom of the enneagram to fine tune our parenting, understand the confusing people living in our homes, and help us become the best moms we can be. 

By learning about our key motivations and fears, we can block out the noise of what society tells us we SHOULD care about, and prioritize things that are most important to us. 

These enneagram types are formed by a combination of nurture AND nature. Kids come out of the womb with personality and spirit. They are authentically themselves. How we react when life happens to us can cause us to lean more towards one enneagram type or another. 

I suggest you listen to all 9 types and see if someone you know pops into your mind. You might resonate with a little bit of each type, that’s ok because the deeper you go, the more similar we all become. 

I’ve been doing this podcast for the last 4 years and the one word that comes up most frequently (after TIRED) is motivation. “ How do I motivate my teenager? Why can’t I motivate myself, I’ve lost my motivation” If you want to understand the root of motivating yourself and others, the next 9 podcasts are for you.  

The 2nd benefit I hope you’ll take from the next 9 podcasts is compassion. So many moms I talk to are so hard on themselves, beating themselves up for not being “good enough”. My hope is that by understanding your enneagram type, you can cut yourself some slack and go a little easier on yourself. You can look at your friends and family members and not take their challenging personalities so personally. 

We all have integrated and disintegrated aspects to our personalities. When a people pleasing parent is struggling with a rude, opinionated teen, parenting tips can be super specific because it’s just a typical 9, parenting a typical 8. There’s no pressure, nothing has gone wrong and it’s nobody’s fault, but there are things you can do to make life more enjoyable! 

If you are a 2, and your teen is struggling but doesn't want your help, it can be especially challenging. Understanding your child’s enneagram type can help you give to them in a way they can actually receive, while also helping you evolve your relationship with them. 

If you are still listening to this but are thinking “This is stupid. No one is going to put me in a box and tell me about myself. I cannot be categorized.” Then you are probably an 8 so feel free to wait until that episode comes out so you can just learn about YOU. 

Pura Vida - I am recording these episodes in Costa Rica hoping the Enneagram will provide you with Pura Vida: optimism, no worries, pure and simple living, the essence of life.

Please join the Supermom is Getting Tired facebook group if you want to continue the discussion.

Get Clarity in 2024

Mental and emotional clarity is one of the greatest gifts we can give ourselves but when you are surrounded by other people's needs, personalities, demands and desires, self clarity is a difficult thing to access. 

When we feel clear, we know who we are and what we want. It makes it easy to set goals for ourselves or get into alignment with our integrity. Mental and emotional clarity helps us feel connected to ourselves as well as others, grateful and content with our lives. 

If I could put clarity in a pill, I would give it to all my clients and friends. Clarity feels wonderful. It’s like sitting in the driver’s seat of your life. You have your destination entered into the map. You have the power to steer your life in the direction you want and you are in control. 

But how do you get it if you don’t have it? 

Do not go further into 2024 without this magic pill. 

Here is the 4 step process I’ve been using lately to help me get some much desired clarity as I enter into 2024. 

1. Retreat - Take some time away from the noisy, self absorbed people in your life (children, boss, parents, partner, dog, sibling and social media). They all have their own agendas and ideas about what you SHOULD want with your life. Physically move away from them. Go to a library, hotel or drive your car to a park with a nice view. Someplace devoid of clutter. A chapel, an art gallery, or a furniture store? Get some peace and quiet so you can hear YOUR OWN thoughts, needs and desires. 
2. Reflect - Look back on 2023. What were your proudest accomplishments? What were the highlights? What were the worst parts that you do not want a repeat of? Notice the negative but use this exercise to practice celebrating all the good. Give yourself a pat on the back. It’s too easy to think about the negative, give yourself credit for the good things you created last year, feel grateful and thank yourself for all your hard work keeping your family afloat.

Do not ever set goals from “not good enough” energy. Feel satisfied and proud before looking forward into 2024 and do a current assessment. 

Take out the life balance wheel (email me for a pdf copy or download it from the Supermom is Getting Tired Facebook Group) and rate each category on a scale of 1-10 based on how fulfilling each area of your life is. 10 is very rewarding and satisfying. 1 is neglected or out of whack. 

This will give you a great barometer for where you are now, what would help bring you back into balance. You can’t focus on all those areas at once or you’ll go nuts. Just pick one of your low scoring areas (or two if you must) and make that your focus for 2024. 

Use a daily journal writing practice to keep tabs on yourself. What was the best part of your day? When were you happiest today? What are you avoiding? Use the How We Feel App to track your emotions and start paying attention to YOU. This is the most important and valuable habit to have clarity on a daily basis. 

3. Relationships - When our relationships aren’t healthy, it is a HUGE kryptonite. We bite our tongues, have conversations inside our heads, we feel guilty or inadequate, IT IS A HUGE DRAIN ON OUR ENERGY. Cleaning up our relationships with our children, partners, friends, parents and co-workers, is SO IMPORTANT when striving for clarity. Nothing is more important than having harmonious relationships, especially with those we see everyday. Don’t assume that other people need to change in order for you to be at peace. I help people everyday accept their loved ones for who they, stop wishing they were different, so they can love and accept them as they are. This is an inside job and a worthwhile one. 

HOWEVER, I will warn you…..sometimes we use relationship drama as a decoy to avoid looking at our own life and taking control. Worrying about your teenager’s grades or being annoyed at your crazy co-worker can provide a handy distraction if you are a little afraid to look forward into 2024 with clarity and control .

4. Readying - Once you know who you are and what you want, the next step is to ready yourself. To find people who can teach you the skills you need to learn. Do you know someone who has a good relationship with their hot mess of a teenager? That parent might be just the person to learn unconditional love from. If you want to save your marriage, hanging out with your divorced friends may not be the people to source. 

Everything you ever want to know is available to you. Knowledge is available to you, you just need to do a little leg work to find the right teacher. Are you wondering how to return to work after a 10 year hiatus? Read books on the topic, this will give you a map. Want to explore selling passive income products? Search on Instagram and the algorithm will drop ideas into your news feed. Life Coaches usually coach on areas they struggled and overcame so they can be a great resource if you want to lose weight, reinvent your life after raising kids, or learn to stop yelling at your kids. Get quality training from someone who has done what you want to do. Many people wait for clarity and inspiration to come to them but when you consume information, observe and study, the clarity and inspiration happen naturally but you also get a map on how to get where you want to go. 

I did this with following my dream to work while traveling abroad. I didn’t know anyone who was doing what I wanted to do so I listened to podcasts, subscribed to youtube channels and joined facebook groups. I took notes on the different ways to find reliable internet, I learned about travel health insurance and currency exchange rates. I talked with people who travel 51% of the year to save money, and those who are 100% nomadic. 

The best predictor of the future is the relevant past. If you want a repeat of last year, then you can coast, but if there is anything you want to change, it’s time to sit in the driver’s seat of your life, program your GPS to the destination you want to go in, learn more about this destination and start paying close attention to how you are getting there. 

1. Retreat - Get away from the noisy, opinionated people. 
2. Reflect - What’s working for you? What isn’t? Pay attention everyday to what lights you up and follow that thread. Know who you are and what you want.
3. Relationships- Make sure your relationship drama isn’t weighing you down. Cleaning up your relationships will clear out your mind and make room for positive forward momentum. 
4. Readying - Time to study and learn some new skills from qualified people who have been where you want to go. 

This is how you will get clarity in your life. The clarity will give you purpose, direction, enthusiasm and satisfaction. 

If you sign up for the 10 Daily Questions at LifeCoachingforParents.com/10Q, I’ll be sure to send you a Life Balance Wheel also. 

Speaking of Clarity, I want to tell you what i have decided about the future of this podcast. I retreated, I reflected, I focused on my relationships and I have been readying myself for this announcement! 

I am going to record the next 9 podcast episodes about the 9 different enneagram types. I did an obsessive deep dive on the enneagram during my hiatus and what I love about it and all personality typologies is how it increases compassion and understanding of ourselves and our families. I will be helping you with step 3 and 4 of gaining clarity in the next 9 episodes because understanding personality types is doing a learning deep dive with the purpose of  improving our relationships (including the relationship we have with ourselves). I cannot wait to share these with you. I will give examples of which supermom kryptonite is most likely to plague each enneagram type and how to parent your teen based on which enneagram personality you see emerging. It’s going to be great fun and super helpful to you so keep your eyes peeled! 

"Dear Torie, I am so upset. I just walked in on my 9 year old son. He was looking at our lap top and shut it as soon as I came in the room. I asked him what he was looking at and he said “nothing”. When I looked up the browsing history it was very clear he was watching porn. Not just any porn either, but 3-way super inappropriate born. I am so upset that this is first introduction to understanding what sex is. I know he will never be able to un-see the images he saw. How am I supposed to tell him about how sex is a special thing that happens between two people who really love each other? I want him to have a healthy sexual attitude but am mortified that this was his introduction to it. I feel like his innocence has been ruined."     Tama

I have been teaching classes on how to talk to kids about sex since the 1990’s. It’s amazing how much has changed around this topic when sex itself has not changed at all.

The frequency with which kids seeing online porn is probably the most significant and disturbing change to have occurred.

Sometimes, kids seek it out, sometimes they stumble upon it by accident, other times friends share it with them.

Either way, it can be hard for a parent to know what to say and how to handle catching a kid watching porn.

In this situation, there are a few points I suggest you address with your 9-year-old son.

When our kids ask us questions we don’t know the answer to, it’s pretty easy for them to “Google it” or “Ask Siri”. “What’s the capitol of Bulgaria?” “Ask Alexa”. “What’s the weather going to be like on vacation? “Look it up”.

So it’s no surprise when kids hear something about sex at recess, they take to the internet to find the answer. We know he was the one searching out sexual content because of the search history.

Letting your son know that it's really normal at age 9 to be curious about the human body (especially the opposite sex) and how it works would help put him at ease.

Tell him it would have been ok for him to come to you with his questions and that you are going to buy him some books with factual, age-appropriate information and answer any questions he might have.

The message you want to communicate is there is nothing wrong with being curious about sex.

I have an online sex education class, “Time for the Talk” that I designed for parents to watch with their 9-12 year old son or daughter. You can purchase this class at www.TimeforTheTalk.com and also receive a list of books I recommend for different ages.

Tell your child that there is something called pornography that he stumbled upon, that is different than what real people do in the privacy of their bedrooms. “Media sex” is fake. It’s designed to be shocking and exaggerated as a way to make money. It is very different than the kind of sex real people have who are in intimate relationship with one another.

Let him know that it is against the law to show pornography to a minor and a kid watching porn is thus not allowed.

You can tell your child,

"Allowing pornography to be viewed in our house by you or any other minor is punishable under federal law. Therefore, your Dad and I will not allow pornography to be viewed in our house. We understand that you can find all sorts of inappropriate content online and we hope you will make good decisions going forward. If we find out that you have been watching it here (or with friends), we will further restrict your internet access in order to keep you safe." 

Instincts are designed to keep us safe. Tell him,

"When I walked into the room, you immediately jumped up and shut the computer. These were your instincts telling you that what you were watching was not appropriate. If it had been something interesting in a healthy way or funny in a healthy way, you would have said, “Mom, come here, you gotta see this!” Instead you shut it down like it was on fire and ran away as fast as you could. Your higher self knew you shouldn’t have been watching this and I want to encourage you to learn to listen to these instincts."

What gets in our way from being able to have this conversation? Nerves! It’s uncomfortable to talk about these subjects when we didn’t get great modeling from our parents!

Most of us didn’t have an example set for us that we want to emulate, nor did we have the issue of online porn to contend with. If we had seen our parents handle it a way that felt comfortable, it would be much easier for us to know what to do.

Many parents worry about doing it wrong. We don’t know what to say or how to say it, so we end up just saying nothing at all.

We get afraid that we will make it worse or cause our kid to react in an awkward way. It’s this fear that keeps us giving our kids the information they need to navigate this modern world.

Sex education at age 9 is mostly about science, health and respect for the body.

Kids are smart, they know food goes into stomachs and gets pooped out. When we tell them babies grow in mom's stomachs, it doesn’t make sense to them.

I believe 9-12 year olds deserve to know all about reproductive anatomy and physiology, puberty, in a way that helps them appreciate and respect the human body for how magnificent it is.

Even if your child hasn’t started puberty yet themselves, their friends may be and they will want to make sense of the changes that are happening around them.

If your kid hears other kids talking at a sleepover, you want him to come home and ask YOU, not google, for more information. You want your child to be able to hear gossip and think, “I don’t need to listen to you, my parents already told me what I need to know. I’ve got books and all the information I need at home."

Rather than trying to have the perfect conversation at the perfect time, aim for authentic instead. It’s ok to say to your kids “My parents didn’t talk to me about sex or online porn so I might get nervous or embarrassed. Hang in there with me while I fumble over my words. It’s important to me that you know the truth, even if I’m a bit cringy.”

There will come a time in the future when we want our children to have an intimate, possibly embarrassing conversation with their partner. We want our kids to be capable of discussing things like birth control, monogamy, and condoms with their future partners.

When we model for them, feeling embarrassed and saying it anyway, we teach them the importance of intimate relationships.

With today’s culture of online porn and casual “hook-ups”, it’s great for kids to experience the benefit of emotionally intimate relationships, starting with these important but embarrassing conversations with parents.

Do you want your teens to watch porn, have sex, drink and do drugs?

There is one sure fire way to get your kids to do these frowned upon activities and I see parents doing it all the time. All you have to think and say is, “I know they are going to do it anyways,”

When parents have this belief, “I know they are going to do it anyway.” They subconsciously send the message to their kids, that “this is what you are SUPPOSED to do.”

In education, we have this saying, “Children rise to your expectations”. When a parent expects their child to drink, experiment with drugs, have sex or watch porn, that’s exactly what happens.

This expectation keeps parents from giving information about the risks and consequences, or advising them not to do it. It also doesn’t give room for the teens opinion to come into play.

He might be scared or disinterested but feel like he is doing it wrong if he doesn’t live up to his parent’s expectations.

It may be that you want your child to fit in and be popular and you think that’s the only way it’s going to happen. Figure out how you WANT your teen to behave and start expecting that behavior.

Do you want your child to be tempted but make healthy choices instead? Tell him you expect him to do that.

Do you want your child to have friends and romantic partners that have her best interest at heart? Tell her you expect her to find that.

Expect your child to listen and obey your rules around online porn. If he doesn’t, then take extra precautions and limit his access to technology.  However, always make sure you align your expectations with what you hope to see.

We are born with instincts designed to help us keep us safe. An instinct is a physiological response in the body.

When a giant spider surprisingly lands in your hair, you jump, scream and flail. Nobody taught you to do this, it’s just an instinctual reaction.

Intuition is the ability to understand something immediately, without the need for conscious reasoning. Or, a feeling that guides a person to act a certain way without fully understanding why. Over time both of these senses evolve, picking up more information about what is normal and what isn’t.

I like to find examples of listening to instincts and intuition that don't scare kids.

I went on vacation on the French Island of Martinique. It was a tropical paradise: warm and beautiful with crystal clear waters.

As soon as I stepped into the warm sunshine, my instincts had me take off my long-sleeved shirt and walk to the water in my bikini.

Once in the water, I realized many of the other women were swimming and sunbathing with their tops off. One of these women came up and started talking to me. I felt so uncomfortable! My intuitive alarm bells were going off telling me this was not normal!

It was a physical feeling in the body of “uh oh” “weird” “wrong” but my brain told me to ignore it, look into her eyes and be polite.

After two days of seeing women without tops on, it felt totally normal to me. No more alarm bells going off, my intuition wasn’t telling me something was wrong.

Your son’s intuition was telling him that what he was watching was wrong. Pointing that out to him will help him learn to trust himself and his gut, keeping him safe in the future.

If he was continually exposed to online porn, like I was with the boobies, the alarm bells would stop going off and he would lose this sensitivity to knowing right from wrong.

Teaching your kids to trust their instincts and intuition can be a huge energy boost for mom. This is because you realize it’s not all up to YOU to keep your kids safe. They have a built-in mechanism designed for this purpose and are WAY better at listening to it than adults are!

When I was a new mom, I hated the words instincts and intuition.

“Trust your gut” or “Listen to your maternal instincts” were so annoying. I had so much fear, anxiety and worry swimming around my brain that I couldn’t access the physical sensations in my body.

Kids are much more connected with their bodies. They haven’t developed the social skills to talk themselves out of what they know to be true.

Look for opportunities when your child listens to his intuition and point it out to him. Help him get familiar with this built in ability he has. Kids will often use words like “weird” “wrong” “funny” “uh-oh” or “cringy” to describe the feeling that something is off and their instincts have picked up on it.

“You have the gift of a brilliant internal guardian that stands ready to warn you of hazards and guide you through risky situations.” ― Gavin De Becker, The Gift of Fear: Survival Signals That Protect Us from Violence

 Dear Torie

So….my pre-teen just pointed out that every time I have to drive him somewhere, I act annoyed. (which annoyed me).

My teenager piggy backed on that saying I’m ALWAYS mad and yelling at her to pick up her things and do her chores. (which irritated me). My partner joined in saying he can’t remember the last time he and I had fun together (which TOTALLY pissed me off!). What is happening to me? Am I developing anger issues? 

The last few days I started observing every time I felt angry. I’m mad at other drivers who don’t drive more carefully around schools. I’m mad at the poor job our school is doing to accommodate my child’s learning disability. I’m mad that I have to work full time and have a full time messy house. 

I don’t think of myself as an angry person. If anything, I’m too nice and a bit of a pushover. Where do I go from here? 

Angelica

First, let me say it sucks when your family gangs up on you. That is not nice and I’m sorry you got called out in that way.    

Second, let’s talk about where NOT to go from here.    

Do not go from anger to guilt and shame. It’s tempting, but this is what keeps you stuck in the “exploding doormat” cycle. 

We turn into “exploding doormats” when we feel bad for yelling and being short or snappy, this guilt causes us to abandon our boundaries, cater to our kid’s desires. Ignoring our own desires and being overly accommodating, ignites our anger, (naturally and appropriately) which makes us snappy, continuing the cycle.   

This repression of anger does not help us learn the lessons anger is trying to teach us. Most women are taught to swallow their anger, keep it inside, and not express it.    

Some women learned to express anger in a way that violates other people’s boundaries. Yelling, blaming, cursing, name calling, are all unhealthy ways we have witnessed others express anger.    Anger has a purpose. It is here to help us identify injustices and give us the strength to right wrongs and set firm boundaries.    Rather than suppressing or expressing anger, we want to USE IT.    

Feel around in your body and mind for any anger you are carrying around with you. Look for anything that says, “It’s not fair.”    

The first step in turning rage into the fuel required to make change is compassion. This anger isn’t to be ignored or tolerated, it’s HEALTHY. Your anger is important! As you give it the reverence it deserves, you allow it to turn from suppression, to curiosity, to the strength you need to set healthy boundaries.   

Ask yourself, “What do I need that I’m not getting?”   

 If your answer is “I need my daughter to do her chores”, go broader. Get less specific and more general. Take a deep breath and ask again with compassion, “What do I need that I’m not getting?”   

 Listen for an answer from your HIGHER SELF. It may communicate in a one word answer: Support. Kindness. Respect. Justice. A break.    

Then ask yourself, “What am I experiencing that feels unbearable?”    

A lot of my Supermom clients are surprised at the answer their higher self gives them. While the critical, chatty left brain will give long-winded answers about all the changes that need to be made, the quiet wisdom of the right brain often lets them know that it’s loneliness, disconnection, and overwhelm that feels unbearable.    

When I was raging against the inequity of household responsibilities, and asked myself “What do I need that I’m not getting?” The answer was rest. I was driving myself so hard trying to PROVE that I was doing ALL THE WORK, I wouldn’t allow myself any leisure time. I felt guilty taking a break in the middle of the day. I couldn’t allow myself to spend time or money doing things I enjoyed. Having compassion for my anger helped me channel it into releasing the guilt and pressure I was putting on myself. I used my anger to override my inner drill sergeant and started having more fun.    

When I asked myself, “What am I experiencing that feels unbearable?” The answer was all the mental arguing I was doing trying to get my husband to change his ways. I took the blame off of him, and put 100% responsibility for how I was feeling on ME. This empowered me so much! I felt so free! I started learning more about what it’s like to be married to a rebel personality type with ADHD. Reading books and watching videos of other people in similar situations, gave me the support and compassion I struggled to give myself. I no longer waited for some imaginary permission slip to let me do what I wanted. I started taking weekends by myself, signing up for coaching programs, and doing things that brought me joy. The more I filled up my tank and prioritized how I felt, the less resentment I felt towards others. I didn’t change the amount of work I did, just my thoughts around it.

“I feel like I walk around all day barking orders. ‘Pick up your shoes, turn off the TV, finish your homework, clear your plate." I’m exhausted from the constant negotiating and push back I seem to constantly get and want to know, how the heck do I get my kids to listen to me?”  Christina

The Parent Education Answer

For 30 minutes a week, I teach English to kids who are new to the country. Getting kids to listen is to me is very important and the technique is quite simple.

You crouch down to their level, use very slow and deliberate speech, look them in the eye, make sure you are speaking clearly and repeat yourself if necessary, check with them to make sure they understand, and ask them to repeat what they heard you say.

If Christina was to do this, I'm sure her kids would listen to her. It would be hard not to! But what Christina is really asking, is how do I get my kids to OBEY me?

I think the reason Christina is feeling so frustrated and exhausted is because she has the belief that "They should just do what I say." When we have the thought "They should do what I say AND THEY AREN'T," we get frustrated and annoyed. When we feel this way, we nag, complain, maybe even avoid asking for what we want because we assume we aren't going to get it. When we act this way, we aren't coming from our leadership energy. Kids are wired to follow a calm, confident leader. When we have the thought: "they should obey me," and they aren't doing it, we lose our confidence and authority. The kids pick up on our wimpy, angry energy and are more likely to ignore and avoid us.

If we want to change this dynamic, we need to question the thought "They should just do what I say." Is it true? Are you absolutely sure it's true that kids should obey every time, immediately, without negotiation? Try changing your thought to something that doesn't argue with reality, but accepts the actual situation instead.

"I'm so glad I have a normal kid who doesn't want to do chores."

"I can trust my kid to ignore me the first time I ask."

"She is showing me I'm not in my calm leadership energy."

The times you feel calm and in your leadership energy is the time to request something from your child. Look her in the eye, slow your speech, and ask for what you want.

The problem arises when we ask our kids to do things SO THAT WE CAN FEEL GOOD. We think that if they would step up and do what we are asking then we could feel relaxed, calm, and appreciated. When we do this, we are putting our ability to feel good into the hands of our disobedient child. Not a great plan! Instead, take responsibility for your emotions first and don't wait for your kid's obedience in order to feel the way you want to feel.

When we take responsibility for our own emotions, we have more control and increase our chances of getting what we want.

The energy of leadership comes from our posture, voice tone, facial expression, and eye contact. The thoughts we think are what effect these things. If we think, "My kid will comply when I'm in my calm, leadership energy" and we focus on the things we have control over (posture, voice, feelings, etc.) we are more likely to get what we want.

If we focus on things we don't have control over (what our child says, does and feels) we feel yucky and are less likely to get what we want.

Today's Supermom Krpytonite: EXPECTATION (the secret energy drain you might not know is making you tired). Listen to the story about my daughter on Halloween and how stressed out I became with the innocent thought: "This supposed to be fun." Align your expectations with reality to help you feel at peace with any situation.

Today's Supermom Power Boost: Decide ahead of time how you want to feel. Don't put your ability to feel good, in the hands of your child. Take responsibility for how you want to feel BEFORE negotiating with your kiddo.

Episode #154 - I can’t get anything done! - Replay 

I am thrilled that school is back in session —really I am—but I am gobsmacked at how little time I have for myself. I’ve been holding my breath waiting for all my kids to be in school at the same time so I could finally get a moment of peace. Now that it’s here, I feel trapped and overwhelmed by the schedule and everything on my to-do list.

Mornings are 100% about getting the kids out the door. There is no time for me unless I get up ridiculously early, and that feels like torture. Afternoons are complete chaos, trying to juggle carpooling, homework, and after school activities. I need to get dinner on the table all by myself while my attention gets pulled in a million directions.

While the kids are at school, I really should be exercising because it helps my stress level but how can I prioritize myself when there are so many other demands on my time? 

By the time the kids are in bed, I’m too exhausted to do anything. I’m so frustrated that this is my life and I can’t see any way out. 

Monique

P.S. My husband is a firefighter so he’s gone for extended periods of time. With fire season, it’s not like he’s off vacationing, but he’s so tired and out of sync with our routines that he is no help even when he’s home. 

Can you hear what emotion Monique is in? Notice the energy with which she wrote this. Overwhelmed. Powerless. Trapped. Exhausted. 

Usually, I would start by giving you some tips and tricks to help you solve your problem. A good time management tip is to make a list of activities that require no brain power that you can do while distracted like laundry and dishes. Only do these activities when your kids are around. Save the activities that require your attention, like writing emails or trying a new recipe, until you have time for yourself. 

But any suggestions I give are just going to make her awful, when she already feels awful. 

When we are feeling this overwhelmed and exhausted, venting to a compassionate witness is the best medicine. My guess is that Monique felt a reprieve just by putting her words into an email. 

Life Coaching Answer: What gets in the way from getting what she wants? 

Can you imagine there is another mom out there with the same schedule and routine who doesn’t feel this way? 

Maybe there is a mom who feels busy and needed, but also valued and purposeful. Or maybe there’s a mom out there who feels guilty and ashamed for not getting more done in a day—she goes through her day quietly feeling like a failure. Maybe there’s a mom who doesn’t notice how much she accomplishes in a day—she doesn’t measure her worthiness by how much she gets done but cares more about how she looks.

So many times we look to other moms as evidence to prove that we aren’t good enough or we aren’t doing it right. I want you to look to other moms as examples of our flexible brains and how powerful our thoughts are. 

The reason Monique is feeling powerless is because of the words she is using. The words we use dictate how we feel. Words have power. 

When we use words like “I CAN’T get anything done” or “I SHOULD be exercising” or “I NEED to get dinner on the table”  It creates a helpless and powerless feeling in the body. We feel trapped. We can’t see any way out. Helplessness is one of the worst things for the human psyche. All humans have an innate desire to feel free.

Monique feels “trapped by the schedule” and “overwhelmed by the to-do list” as though they have more power than she does. The way she words“There’s no time for me”and “This is my life” as though she’s just reporting factual details, is going to give anyone the exact feelings she reports feeling. 

Notice how you feel when you think the thought “I am tired.” Tired, right? 

How about “I’m overwhelmed.” When I think it, my brain starts looking for all the things I have going on.

The “I am” statement is extremely powerful. Whatever follows those two words, you are guaranteed to experience. 

Our bodies don’t like when we lie. I wouldn’t suggest Monique saying “I am fully rested and happy to be here,” but she could ease into some softer “I am” statements with “I am tired but that’s ok.” “I am managing a busy schedule” to give her some more peace. 

The good news is that all this is fixable. She’s a perfect candidate for the Supermom is Getting Tired coaching program because she would feel SO MUCH BETTER at the end of the 12 weeks! 

The most important thing for Monique is recognizing that she is creating her negative emotions. She has more power than she realizes to change. Not in an “I’m not doing it right” way, (watch out for this inner demon who prevents you from making changes) but by thinking “There is a skill set I can learn that will dramatically improve my life.” 

The second thing Monique can do is to stop using the words “I CAN’T” “I HAVE TO” “I NEED TO” and “I SHOULD”. These words all create a feeling of helplessness and keep us feeling like prisoners with our children, house, and to-do list as our prison guards. 

To set yourself free from this mental prison, focus on what you want instead. 

“I want to feel calm.”  “I want to pick my kids up at school.” “I want to feed my family.”

If those don’t feel true, then switch to “I will” or “I intend to”. Remind yourself (daily), that you can do whatever you want to do. 

You don’t have to pick the kids up at school. You could go to the movies by yourself and make them wait for you or walk home. 

You don’t have to feed them dinner. You could listen to them complain or let them eat cereal for dinner. You might CHOOSE to feed them because you don’t like the alternative, but that freedom is yours for the taking. 

You don’t have to drive the soccer practice carpool. You might choose to because you want to do your part and you like seeing your daughter happy and sweaty afterwards. 

You don’t have to do laundry. Your kids can wear dirty stinky clothes and probably won’t even mind. You want to do laundry because you don’t want to be embarrassed.

We are always free. We are born free and die free. Even when we have three little monsters demanding food, time, and attention, we could walk out that door and never come back. We choose not to, because we love those little monsters. 

Supermom Kryptonite - Fighting for Freedom with Negative Liberty

You cannot turn on the news these days without someone shouting, “They are trying to take away my freedom!” I’ve been talking about the FEELING of freedom that is really important for our spirits. To live our best life, we need to believe we are free to do whatever we want. If not, we get stuck in fear. 

When people shout about politics “taking away freedom” they are talking about civil rights or civil liberties, “The rights of citizens to political and social freedom and equality.”  I don’t want to minimize this important distinction by saying you can feel free whenever you want. 

These are arguments of people “fighting for freedom”. See if you can guess what they are arguing for. 

(Mask wearing) “Requiring someone to wear something or do something is an overreach of governmental power”

(pro-choice) “Every human being has a right to own their own body and should be able to decide what to do with their body.”

(carry concealed weapons) “THIS issue is fundamental and essential to maintaining liberty as are the rights of free speech, free press, freedom of religion and other encroachments on liberty.”

(anti-vaxxers) “We are for medical freedom and body autonomy. Our bodies are ours, not for someone else to govern. We are fighting for our freedom.”

(euthanasia)  “We have the right to pursue life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness. Doctors should not be allowed to decide who lives and who dies.”

Let’s use the recent Texas court decision to ban all abortions after 6 weeks of pregnancy as an example. 

Women in Texas can still FEEL free by thinking “I still have choices. I can go to another state to have an abortion. I can take the morning after pill or find a “back-alley coat-hanger clinic” to do the job.” Texas has ruled to remove civil rights for half their population. Now making it one of the least free states in our country. 

There is actually something called the Human Freedom Index: A Global Measurement of Personal, Civil and Economic Freedom. In a very long and well researched academic report, the authors ranked countries in freedom and civil liberties, from highest to lowest. 

Which freedoms are considered in this Index? • Rule of Law • Security and Safety • Movement • Religion • Association, Assembly, and Civil Society • Expression and Information • Identity and Relationships • Size of Government • Legal System and Property Rights • Access to Sound Money • Freedom to Trade Internationally • Regulation of Credit, Labor, and Business.

Unsurprisingly, the top 10 countries that rank highest on happiness ratings, also ranked highest on the freedom index: Finland, Switzerland, New Zealand, Norway, Austria, Denmark, Canada, The Netherlands, and my family’s country of origin, Luxembourg, made the list in 2020. 

The U.S. ranked 17th on the freedom index and 18th on happiness. 

The Freedom Index defines freedom as a social construct that recognizes the dignity of individuals and is defined by the absence of coercive restraint. “Individuals have the right to lead their lives as they wish as long as they respect the equal rights of others.”

Countries that rank highest in freedom trust their citizens to make decisions that are right for them. They respect free will, as long as it doesn’t hurt anyone else.

So I can choose not to wear a mask at a grocery store, but when I do, I compromise the freedom of others to shop safely. So my freedom restricts the freedom of others. The government creates laws to help people enjoy their civil liberties. 

I love knowing that if I buy property, no one can take it away from me or without consequences. There are laws in place to protect my freedom to come home and not find squatters in my house. 

My beloved Costa Rica scores high on happiness rankings, but low on the freedom index because the legal system does not impose restrictions on criminals. They have negative liberty, meaning non-interference by government, so people can do what they want without consequences, but this impacts the security and economic freedom for a majority of citizens. 

Think about it this way. 

Negative Liberty is noninterference by others. If your kid doesn’t want to go to school, negative liberty means no interference. We’ve created laws that make this illegal because getting an education increases the child’s civil liberties, which increases access to economic, social freedom.

When your teen says, “You have no right to take away my cell phone! I should be free to watch porn all day if I want to!” You can say you are actually increasing his civil liberties, giving him access to education, jobs, transportation and relationships with real people. By restricting this one freedom you increase his access to a more fulfilling life. 

Positive Liberty removes the constraints that impede one’s personal improvement of the fulfillment of individual potential. Positive liberty cannot be imposed by others because we naturally have conflicting views on whether and how to achieve self-improvement. Positive freedom means different things to different people.

If you told your teen they have to play football to fulfill his potential and have a meaningful life, it restricts freedom because no one else can impose their idea of self improvement. 

When politicians decide that women are not allowed to make medical decisions about their own bodies, they are taking away freedom like a country that imposes marriage for 13 year olds. 

Supermom Power Boost: Practice feeling free

Freedom is not just an important FEELING but also a VALUABLE CIVIL RIGHT. Let’s make sure we have BOTH. One, by not imprisoning yourself with your thoughts and two, by not imposing your values and ideologies on others. 

Today’s Supermom Power Boost is to practice the feeling of freedom so you can experience how good it feels. 

The more free you feel, the happier you will be. 

When you interact with others, your joy will leak out and infect others. 

When you experience the benefits of freedom, you’ll want to encourage others to seek it for themselves (without assuming you know what’s right for them). 

My favorite way to practice freedom is with the thought, “I can do whatever I want!” 

I walk around my house thinking, “I can do anything I want to do right now! I can tidy, but I don’t have to. I can get on an airplane to Tahiti, but I choose not to. I can sit on my couch and read a book, but I would rather fold laundry. Isn’t this exciting?! 

I can be married, or single. I can earn money, spend money, or invest money. I can MAKE my teenager cuddle me, but I choose not to because she does not like it and I don’t want to take away her civil liberties!  I am free to become the best version of me! 

“There are two ways to go to the gas chamber, free and not free.” Jean Paul Sartre

“Everything can be taken from a man but one thing: the last of the human freedoms—to choose one’s attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one’s own way.” Viktor E. Frankl

Dear Torie, 

I feel bad for not playing with my kids. They are super cute 5 and 8 year olds who happily live in the moment. I would love to be more like them. When they ask me to play, I TRY to say yes, but either I start cleaning up or I turn it into a lesson. 

The other day, they wanted me to swim in the pool with them. I WANT to be the kind of mom who can have fun playing in the pool with her kids!  I make myself stop cleaning and put my swimsuit on. I wasn’t in there 5 minutes before I started advising them on the proper breaststroke technique and making them swim laps. It’s like I forgot how to play.

My daughter wants me to shoot hoops with her in the street. I love that she is excited about playing basketball! I want to encourage her and play with her, but my attention span is so short. I tell myself “just play with her for 5 minutes” but it’s agonizing. I feel like I’m wasting time because there are so many things that need to get done. 

Can you help this “All work and no play” momma become fun-loving and playful? 

Tamika

The first thing that might be getting in your way is your “play personality”. 

You say you forgot how to play, but I would offer that what feels like play to your kids, may not feel like play to YOU. 

In the book Play, by Dr. Stuart Brown, he identifies 8 categories of play, explaining that not everyone plays the same way. It sounds like you are defining play the same way a kinesthete would, “If I’m not moving, it’s not play!”. You want to play with your kids, but if swimming and shooting hoops don’t shift you into a playful state, then “kinesthete” may not be your play personality. 

You might have more fun curled up on the couch reading books with your kids, or hosting a pool party for them and their friends. 

The 8 play personalities are: 

1. Kinesthete 
2. Storyteller
3. Director
4. Collector
5. Competitor
6. Creator/Maker
7. Explorer
8. The Joker

If you are a competitor, you can make swimming fun with “how long can you hold your breath” contests or “who can do the weirdest dive”. 

Because of your tendency to turn things into lessons, you might be a director, trying to create experiences for others. It could be more fun for you to create a “swimming pool obstacle course” or make a checklist of skills for your kids to master.

Figuring out what feels like play to you, can stimulate your brain, reduce the pressure you are putting on yourself and help you have more fun with your happy kids. 

Now let’s talk about the brain.

When neuroanatomist, Dr. Jill Bolte Taylor, had a hemorrhage on the left hemisphere of her brain, she wrote an amazing book, My Stroke of Insight (and gave a famous TED talk) to help us understand the two hemispheres of the brain. 

Our right brains are all about this present moment, right here, right now. When we are in our right hemisphere, we experience a deep connection to all other energy beings and our environment. This side thinks in pictures and experiences life through our sensory systems. Our right brains love storytelling, music, movement, creativity, imagination, intuition and empathy. It’s the consciousness of the right hemisphere that causes us to feel playful, joyful, peaceful and connected to a larger whole. 

So the question Tamika asked “Why can’t I play with my kids?” is simple but very powerful. What she’s asking is “How do I switch from my left thinking brain, to my right thinking brain?” 

Learning how to manage the mind, to choose which part of your brain you want to be in depending on the circumstances, is the most powerful and beneficial skill set any of us can learn during these wild and unpredictable times we are living in! 

After her first book, people were so enamored by Dr. Taylor’s description of life with a healthy right brain and non-functioning left brain, she wrote another book called Whole Brain Living: The Anatomy of Choice. This book is the “how” to her first book’s “what”. 

Folks wanted to know..

HOW can we tap into our right hemisphere to experience deeper joy, peace and connection?

HOW do we quiet the left hemisphere of our minds so that we can drop into a playful state whenever we feel like it?

This is one of the goals of life coaching. 

Before we can CHOOSE , we need to recognize and name the 4 sections of the brain. In Whole Brain Living, Dr. Taylor talks about the 4 sections of the brain having 4 distinctly different personalities. 

1. Left Thinking - Thinks about past and future. Linear and methodical. Gets things done. Details. Categorizes. Plans. Verbal internal chatter. “I am…..” which separates me from everyone else. 
2. Left Feeling - Always afraid, Bad things are going to happen. 
3. Right Thinking - Creative, sensory, playful
4. Right Feeling - Fascinated, connected, no boundaries. Moments of inexplicable peace. Compassionate 

Everyone of us has these characters in their brain. Getting to know them, naming them, and  forming a relationship with each character helps give you the ability to CHOOSE which part of the brain to step into. 

The left thinking part of the brain is the Captain of the ship. It helps us gets things done. It watches the clock, reminds us of deadlines and goals, it keeps things moving along. It’s extremely valuable, but most Supermoms spend over 98% of the day in the left hemisphere of their brains. Many of my clients will bounce back and forth between character 1 - left thinking, and character 2 - left feeling. They may start their day with a to-do list, but start panicking when obstacles come up. When your kids won’t cooperate, it can send you into left feeling, character 2. 

Tell yourself you are “falling behind” on tasks, worry about your boss getting mad at you, or anticipate the embarrassment of your mother in law seeing your messy house, can send a Supermom from Character 1 into Character 2.

When your kids invite you to play, they are inviting you into the right thinking part of your brain. This playful, creative, live in the moment, expansive, imaginative, connected, part of all us DOES still exist. It is a part of your neuro-anatomy, even if you find it difficult to access, it’s nice to know it is still there. 

The more you identify and notice times when you’ve been in your right brain, the easier accessing it will become. So the answer to why can’t I play with my kids, is because you are in your left brain, and perhaps trying to play in a way that isn’t fun for you. 

Fear is an emotion in the body. It comes from two places, our instincts and our thoughts. 

I remember sitting WAY UP HIGH on a ropes course, held up by one cable above me and a tiny piece of wood below me. I was scared out of my mind. My heart was pounding. My palms were sweating. My mouth was dry. My body was shaking but my verbal mind was quiet. When I got to a place where I could stop and gather myself for a minute, I remember thinking “This is what REAL fear feels like….and it’s pretty damn exhilarating”. The fear I felt on a daily basis I called “fake fear”.

Fake fear comes from scary thoughts inside our head. It’s the verbal, left feeling brain creating imaginary future scenarios, or replaying past scenarios, that we react to as though they are actually happening right now. 

“If I take time to play with my kids, work will pile up and I’ll get overwhelmed with work later.” 

“A good mom would be able to keep the house clean, put dinner on the table, and happily swim in the pool with the kids when they ask.” 

“I don’t have time to play! My boss will be mad, the teacher will think I’m flaky, my kids will get cranky, and I won’t have accomplished anything today!” 

Telling yourself “I should have more fun with my kids” is a sure fire way to suck the joy out of the afternoon. 

In order to choose which section of the brain you go into at any given moment, we need to release the fears that keep you stuck.

There are many ways to release fears. Two of the best ways Tamika could practice releasing fears on her own, is exercise and breath work. 

When the brain goes into the fight or flight response, blood rushes to our extremities, we start sweating and our heart rate increases. You may need to run to the toilet but this physiological response happens without our permission or consent. Even though we might be creating it with a stressful thought like “I can’t mess up”, once the Central Nervous System takes over, it’s on automatic pilot.

When we enter this physiological state, it’s helpful to act on it by going for a run, riding a bike, punching pillows or somehow “fighting or fleeing”. If you have stressful thoughts, any exercise where you work up a sweat can be tremendously helpful to shift you out of fear, and into the state of rest and play. 

The other way to release fear is to shift your brain out of the fight or flight state. The one part of this fight/flight state we have control over is our breath. We can’t force ourselves to stop sweating or redirect the blood flow in our body, but we can take deliberately slow, deep breaths.  If you encounter a bear in the wild, you will automatically take short shallow breaths. When you are relaxing in a hammock under a palm tree, you automatically take slow and deep breaths. When our body goes into fight or flight, but we take slow deep breaths, we confuse our brains. The deep breathing tricks our Central Nervous System into shifting to a relaxed state. 

Both exercise and breath work bring you into the present moment, which shifts you into the right hemisphere of your brain, which shifts you into a playful brain state. 

Kids are great at living on the right side of their brain. They live in the moment, use their imagination, their creativity and exist in a state of play. 

Parents and teachers dwell on the left side of their brain. We remind kids about the existence of rules, about cleaning up, about time, about what’s coming next. It takes a strong left brain to manage the comings and goings of a family. Doctor’s appointments, grocery shopping, and getting to school on time, could not be managed without a strong left brain. 

Every time we talk about the plan for the day, or teach them to read from left to right, we are encouraging our children’s left brain thinking. 

Today’s Supermom Kryptonite is an over-development of our left brains. 

If we spend too much time following rules, watching the clock, accomplishing tasks, we lose out on the beautiful gifts of right brain thinking. Instead of always trying to bring your kid over to the left brain, try joining them in the right brain. 

Your kid is playing with superheroes instead of eating breakfast….incorporate the two. Have the superhero eat breakfast with your child, taking turns powering up with fuel to fly into the car.

Some of my favorite ways to do this are: 

“Do Nothing” Days - Create a span of time where the only goal is to accomplish nothing.

Exercise Classes are so good for my creative idea machine I sometimes bring a notebook to class. 

Sitting in the sunshine for 5 minutes and focusing on my breath. 

Going for a walk in nature without my phone (if no one’s watching, sometimes I skip :)

Sacred pet the doggy time, sacred chocolate, morning coffee

Floating in water: hot tubs, pools, lakes, etc.

Watching the sunset

Holding a newborn baby

Dancing 

You’ve probably heard a lot about this concept of meditation which is why it took 105 episodes for me to mention it as an energy power boost. 

Meditation is this magical pill that has no adverse side effects but scientific studies show it can help decrease anxiety, depression, insomnia, blood pressure, symptoms of irritable bowel syndrome, menopause, cravings and addictive impulses. Meditation is also shown to improve immune system function, boost attention span, memory, creativity, productivity, self awareness, happiness and emotional well being. 

If you had a pill that did all these things wouldn’t you take it? The problem is this pill is really hard to swallow! 

Most people hear about meditation and think, “How hard can that be?”....and then they try it. 

When our left verbal brain has been in charge for a long time, it’s not going to relinquish control that easily. This “Captain of the Ship” is going to fight like crazy to stay in charge. When you first try to meditate, expect to get squirmy, distracted, and find a million more compelling things that urgently need your attention. 

But the more you try it, the easier it gets. This magical pill becomes easier to swallow. The resistance to meditation subsides and you start to look forward to this break from the left thinking brain. 

The biggest benefit of meditation is the same thing life coaching provides. It sits YOU in the driver’s seat of your brain. Every time you have an impulse to get up off your chair, and you force yourself to sit back down, you declare dominion over your mind. The spirit and essence of YOU gets to be in charge. YOU get to decide what you want to think about, how you want to feel, the actions you want to take, no matter what your default wiring might be based on the past.

Quote of the Day:  “Western women will save the world” Dalai Lama

Dear Torie

You asked me on the coaching call what area of my life is causing me the least satisfaction. I’ve given it some thought and realized, it’s not just one area. 

I feel bad. All the time. About everything. 

My parents want to have more time with my kids. They would love to see them everyday but we live too far away for that to be possible.I feel bad about that. I want my kids to have a close relationship with their grandparents so I feel bad for the kids, like it’s my fault they can’t see their grandparents more often. 

I feel bad that I didn’t send my kids to sleepaway camp. I loved going to camp as a kid but they didn’t seem interested and I couldn’t find anyone else who wanted to do it. I feel bad that I want a week without them and none of the other moms seems ready to let go of their kids. I feel bad that my kids are stuck at home this summer watching too much TV. 

I feel bad missing my daughter’s dance showcase but if I go, I have to miss work again and then I’ll feel bad about missing work. Then I feel bad for not having my shit together like other moms who manage to balance both. 

I feel bad for having a partner who helps out so much when there are single moms out there doing this on their own. 

I feel bad complaining about my kids’ picky eating when other moms are worried about serious issues like diabetes.

See what I mean? 

How do I stop feeling bad so I can feel better about EVERYTHING? 

Anika

It’s exhausting to constantly feel bad about things you don’t have control over. This is a HUGE Supermom Kryptonite so let’s undo this toxic social conditioning ASAP. 

Let’s start by unpacking what it means when you say “I feel bad”. 

Feeling bad is a handy catch all meaning you are experiencing a negative emotion. 

When trying to identify an emotion, try to think of only one word.

Most people, when asked to define “feeling bad” say it’s closest to guilt. 

The purpose of guilt is to help us identify something we have done wrong so that we can apologize, make amends, ask for forgiveness, and not make the same choice again in the future. Feeling guilty feels uncomfortable so we do what we can to alleviate this discomfort so that we can go back to feeling “good”. 

Guilt is an important emotion designed to help us preserve our relationships.

For example, you miss work to go to your daughter’s showcase…..every week. Your boss starts to question your commitment. She asks if she should readjust the schedule to accommodate your time off. Your coworkers are put off that they have to cover for you. You start to feel guilty. You don’t like this guilty feeling so you decide to miss the next showcase and go to work instead. The guilt goes away but then you miss the next 4 showcases and you start feeling guilty about not attending your daughter’s recent performances. You choose the showcase over work but this time, you don’t feel guilty because you are more in balance. 

This is how we can use guilt to guide us towards preserving our relationship with our kids, as well as our boss and co-workers. 

The problem is that so many of us feel “bad/guilty” we haven’t actually done anything wrong. 

Is it wrong that you live far away from your parents? No.

Is it wrong that you value sleepaway camp more than others? No. 

Is it wrong that you have a helpful partner or that you get frustrated by your kids’ picky eating? Not at all. 

We don’t really have words to explain “feeling bad for no reason” or “feeling guilty for existing and being yourself.”  So I’m going to offer two new definitions to explain this common feeling.

• Projection Reflection - Imagining someone else is suffering, then feeling a negative emotion because of this imagined suffering. 

For example, you might imagine your parents sitting home on a Saturday afternoon, sad and lonely, wishing they could be with their grandkids. Then you start feeling “bad” because of the sad image you created in your mind. In reality, they might be out having fun or enjoying the peace and quiet of the moment, but in your MIND you picture them having a negative emotion, and then your BODY starts to experience a negative physical feeling, in reaction to YOUR PROJECTION. Your mind projects suffering, and then you feel the reflection. 

•  A "Poke” - When someone disagrees with us, our decisions or values, I’m going to call it a poke.

Sometimes in life, we get poked. Nobody likes being poked. It’s not a comfortable feeling. Sometimes it’s annoying, other times it actually hurts. But it’s harmless and just something we have to live with and not give it much attention.

For example: You are talking on the phone with your mom and she says, “I wish I could see the kids this weekend. Why did you have to move so far away? I don’t get enough time with them.” 

Your first reaction might be to feel guilty, but then you examine your guilt and realize YOU HAVEN’T DONE ANYTHING WRONG. You LIKE living a few hours away from your parents. You ENJOY having some space and distance between you. There is nothing wrong with this. 

I’m calling it a “poke” when someone expresses different values and desires than yours. 

You want to send your kids to sleepaway camp. Your friend says something like:

“Aren’t they a little young for that?” or 

“I would miss my kids too much if they were gone for two weeks this summer.” or 

“Must be nice to be able to afford sleepaway camp, it’s way too expensive for our family.” 

These are “pokes”. Their values are different from yours. This is not a problem. It’s just a reminder that we value different things and as much as we’d like everyone in the world to support our decisions and agree with us, it’s not realistic.  

At the root of “feeling bad” all the time about everything, is a general feeling of unworthiness. Sometimes, our culture teaches us that experiencing the best things in life is selfish. We learn to become uncomfortable with joy, well being, contentment, abundance, wealth, health, freedom and love. 

Is it because advertisements use our insecurities to sell their products? “Feeling bad? Drink this and then you’ll be happy and healthy.” 

Is it because our friends in middle school would pull us down a notch whenever we were feeling too smart, too pretty, too talented, or too confident? 

I don’t know, but it is pervasive. Feeling bad keeps us small and meek. We don’t dream big when we’re worrying about other people’s reactions. We don’t go after what we want in life when we’re worried about other people’s values “poking” us and keeping us in our place. "Feeling bad" is toxic and we need to get over it ASAP. 

Because I care deeply about others, I thought that the way to show I care deeply was to “feel bad”.  I heard, “People are starving in Africa so you need to eat your lima beans.” I never understood the connection but I did learn that a good person “feels bad” for the starving people. Whenever I saw someone in a wheelchair I would "feel bad" for having legs. Is this guilt? No, because I didn't do anything wrong. Somehow the message to feel grateful got turned into feeling guilty, unworthy and undeserving of the privileged life I was living. 

But if we waited for everyone else to be free from suffering, we would never be happy. How can we celebrate the 4th of July when the war in Ukraine still rages? Someone, somewhere will always be suffering so when would we ever be able to feel happy, loving, joyful and free? 

The turning point for me was realizing that “feeling bad” did not encourage good, productive action. This bad emotion does not drive good behavior. 

When I hear about what it’s like to have a child with diabetes, my heart goes out to them. It sounds so stressful and scary. My body reacts with negative emotion. My stomach clenches, I pull in, I tell myself I’m bad for complaining about my kids’ picking eating. I withdraw. 

“Feeling bad” for moms dealing with diabetes does not make me reach out to them. This Projection Reflection does not motivate me to offer a helping hand, donate to charities, pay for medicine, etc. It makes me feel small, unworthy, inadequate and not good enough. When I do reach out with kindness, I STILL feel like it’s not enough. When I do donate my time or money,  my negative emotion doesn’t go away.  I’m imagining they are suffering and then suffering right along with them. 

When you realize that “feeling bad” does not make you a good person, or make you spread kindness and love throughout the world, it’s time to let it go. 

Are you worthy of love, belonging, acceptance, joy, health and abundance? 

Listen to the podcast when I talk about babies in bassinets and you will have your answer. 

Next time you catch yourself feeling bad, ask yourself, “What emotion does the world need more of?” 

Does the world need more blame and guilt or does it need more forgiveness and kindness?

Does the world need more suffering or more happiness? 

Does it need more thoughtful, empathic women playing small, or does it need empathic women to speak louder and demonstrate love? 

Then commit to your values and be the change you want to see in the world. 

Sometimes it’s clear, you value love over fear. But through the process of raising kids, our values can get murky. Should I send my kid to sleepaway camp even though the other parents aren’t? Does my introverted kid need more social activities or is it ok for him to spend so much time at home where he’s happy? 

I’m struggling with my values around underage drinking. I would have been content to do what my parents did, no drinking in until you are 21. It’s the law. Everyone agrees, Easy Peasy. 

Except that when I was in Costa Rica, someone offered my son a drink and he said yes. What?! I had no say in the matter. He’s an adult. The drinking age is 18. I wasn’t paying for it so there was no decision for me to make. It felt so strange. 

In Europe I let loose and bought drinks for my kids, but here, I feel like I’m doing something wrong. Why?  My dad has a glass of wine every night with dinner, that seems just fine but when my kids want to drink with dinner, it seems totally wrong. My husband is offering cocktails while I’m offering smoothies. I’m the only one in my family still clinging to the arbitrary 21 year old drinking age. Not knowing what my values are makes it harder for me to relax and enjoy hanging out with my kids. 

Life is always going to throw us curve balls and force us to update our values. Taking the time to unpack it and figure out what is important to you is worth it every single time. 

Ask yourself these questions to help clarify your values: 

Why is this bugging me? Am I doing a projection reflection?

Yes,  I’m imagining people thinking I’m a bad mom for allowing/encouraging my kids to drink. I’m imagining my kids developing a drinking problem and the mean things I’m going to say to myself should that occur in the future. I’m reacting to my future self telling me it’s my fault because I poured them a drink at 19 instead of 21. 

Am I being poked by someone else’s values disagreeing with mine? Yes, I’ve been poked my kids and husband having different opinions than me. 

What is the value that is important to me that I don’t want to let go of? I value a healthy, balanced lifestyle. 

What am I ready to let go of? The belief that I’m a bad mom for not obeying this U.S. law while on U.S. soil. 

Get clear on your values and you will feel more energized and at peace. 

We have all the parenting answers we will ever need but in the chaos of everyday life, it can be hard to access our inner wisdom. Meditation is the gold standard but it’s not always easy for busy moms to sit still. That’s ok. You can still access your inner wisdom while moving. 

Ask yourself a high quality question like, “What am I ready to let go of?” or “What value is important to me that I don’t want to let go of?” 

Then go for a hike, a drive, a bike ride. Any kind of repetitive movement can help you sit in the stillness and allow those answers to come from within. Fly a kite, bake a cake, get a massage, doodle, walk a labyrinth, it doesn’t need to be exercise, just a slice of shifting stillness that will distract your left brain so you can access the inner wisdom that lies on the right hemisphere of your brain. 

For today's quote, I read an excerpt from Orli Auslander's book, "I Feel Bad". This is a funny look at the toxic habit of "feeling bad" when we haven't actually done anything wrong.

Also check out the short lived TV sit com with the same title, based on the book.

After you set yourself up for appropriate expectation, you can focus your attention on preparing the kids for a successful vacation.

There is a lot parents can do to set them up for success!

When you are at home, it's easy to forget how much of their ability to thrive depends on predictable routines and familiarity. Whether your child is neurotypical or neurodiverse, sensory seeking or sensory avoidant, today's podcast is designed to set your family up for a successful summer vacation.

Today we talk to Dawn Barclay, author of Traveling Different: Vacation Strategies for Parents of the Anxious, the Inflexible, and the Neurodiverse .

We'll talk about how to choose a trip suited to their temperament, how prepare them before it's time to go, and different resources available to help kids travel successfully. Did you know that airlines, cruises, and amusement parks have resources in place to help neurodiverse kids enjoy family vacations? Neither did I!

Dawn M. Barclay is an award-winning author who has spent a career working in different aspects of the travel industry.

After spending ten years working in sales and marketing, she branched out into travel trade reporting with positions at Travel Agent Magazine, Travel Life, Travel Market Report, and Insider Travel Report.

She is a mother of two and resides in New York’s scenic Hudson Valley.

A member of the Society of American Travel Writers and the Family Travel Association, she also writes fiction as D.M. Barr.

Website: http://www.travelingdifferent.com

Twitter: www.twitter.com/@travelingdiff

Facebook: www.facebook.com/travelingdifferent

Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/traveling_different/

Living your life’s purpose feels like a heavy topic, especially when your life is busy buying graduation cards, driving to baseball games and awards banquets.                  

But my intention for this episode is to show you that following your destiny and fulfilling your life’s purpose is easy, light hearted and fun. 

If you feel like the purpose of your life is to be a mom, you might worry about what will happen when your kids grow up and leave the house. 

Maybe you are trying to guide your child towards living THEIR PURPOSE and a successful future but the world is changing so fast, you worry the wisdom you’ve acquired may not apply to the next generation. 

Perhaps you thought motherhood would give you all the purpose you would ever need, but are finding the daily tasks of motherhood empty and hollow. 

Wherever you are in your journey towards finding purpose, today’s episode will help you understand how to know if you are on track for your life’s purpose.

There is no need to stress about going back to work or staying home, whether to invest in competitive or recreational soccer, or worry about life after your kids leave the house. 

Following life’s passions and purpose is one of the great joys of being human! BUT, most meaningful journeys start with a whole lot of suffering. Like becoming a mom starts with the pain of childbirth, discovering your life’s purpose can begin with suffering, but if you learn to listen to the hints and signs, you can minimize the suffering and jump into the flow your life wants to take. 

We are born with certain interests, personality traits, and proclivities. Our job is to figure out what those proclivities are, and go do them. It benefits the survival of our species for us all to have DIFFERENT interests and talents. If everyone LOVED staying home and tending to children, who would build the shelter, hunt for food, heal the sick, repair, explore, invent, translate, educate, etc.? 

Somehow, our culture decided all moms should be good at all things, leading to a generation of burned out, overwhelmed and exhausted mommas. It’s the PRESSURE society puts on us to be good at everything that leaves us in a constant state of inadequacy. This “I’m not good enough” mental belief blocks us from listening to our intuition and feeling like we are living a purposeful, meaningful life.

I will tell you 2 stories in my life that helped guide me towards living my purpose and feeling like I was fulfilling my destiny. The first one involved years of suffering, the second involved years of fun and games. Two different ways to react to the same intuition calling you into a new direction. 

My hope is that by telling these stories, you will be able to learn what signs to look for, hear how your intuition speaks to you and get back into the flow of your life with fun instead of struggle. 

Intuition is often the source of our greatest suffering. It can guide us forward in playful, interesting ways or it can be the voice you don’t want to hear, but that won’t go away. It’s the voice that tells you it’s time to leave your marriage or quit the job you spent 8 years preparing for. It’s the relentless nagging that wakes you in the middle of the night until you surrender your life to the flow of destiny. But if you catch it early and keep it playful, it’s a clue, a sign, a feeling to move towards that will help you live a life that is right for you. 

It was a cold, February day like any other, feeling stuck inside my house like many stay-at-home moms. I was watching the clock, counting down the hours until I could put my son to bed. 

My first born was 3 years old which meant all my mommy friends were either pregnant or nursing their second child. Sure they were sleep deprived and exhausted, but they seemed content. 

I was the opposite of content. 

Although I loved being a mom and adored my son, I felt CRAZY. I was RESTLESS, TIRED, ANXIOUS, OVERWHELMED, DEPLETED. Other moms seemed to have their act together, but I felt like I was drowning and no one knew. I couldn’t even THINK about having another child in the state I was in.

I walked around my house, using the clutter as evidence to prove that I wasn’t measuring up as a wife, mother, housekeeper, etc. I put one glass in the dishwasher, then remember I never paid the electric bill, I’d go to the computer and think, I should be doing laundry. I’d walk to the laundry room, fold a shirt or two and think, I need to get dinner started. I’d start cooking and remember the deadline for gymnastics camp was starting soon so I’d better fill out the application. I jumped from thing to thing, mentally spinning in circles, never really accomplishing anything noticeable. By the end of the day, I was exhausted but had accomplished nothing. The house was still a mess and so was I. 

The voice in my head was filled with “have to’s”, “need to’s” and “shoulds”. This made me feel like a prisoner in my own life. When people said, “You are so lucky you get to stay home and you don’t have to work” I added guilt to the shit storm of emotions I felt. 

Before I agreed to marry my husband, I had two mandates. One was that he had to be willing to go to couples counseling with me, and two, that I could stay home and raise our children. I loved kids: I studied child development, family life education, and educational theories. I was CERTAIN that when I had my own kids, I would be fulfilled by being a stay home mom. I knew in my bones that I was meant to be a mom. 

My a-ha moment came this dark February afternoon when O, The Oprah magazine arrived in my mailbox. I put my son down for his precious nap and plopped on the couch. I opened the magazine to an article about a life coach, helping a woman organize her home. I felt a wave of enthusiasm come over me. Suddenly I had energy AND clarity. The voice in my head said: THIS!! 

I wasn’t meant just to be a stay home mom! I was put here to help others like this life coach was. I had been trying to convince myself that being a stay home mom was enough for me. As much as I THOUGHT I knew what I wanted, the contrast in emotions I felt from my daily life to reading about life coaching was DRAMATIC. It felt freeing to discover the thought, “I am meant for more than this.” 

You might think I immediately signed up for life coach training and started my career, but NO. 

It was a longer, more circuitous route filled with resistance and beliefs like, “I don’t know how to do that” “I could never work for myself”, “I’m not an entrepreneur” “life coaching sounds so cringy”. It was another 7 years before I signed up for life coach training, but it did start me in a new direction of finding work outside the home. 

Experiencing the contrast of stay-home-mom-misery to reading-about-life-coaching-joy, put me on a new trajectory. For the first time, my aim switched from “trying to enjoy my life as a stay home with pressure, inadequacy and guilt sitting on my shoulders”  to “what activities are going to give me that feeling again?” 

I was at a crossroads and both paths felt terrible. The one I had been on (SAHM)  felt confining, limiting and frustrating, but it was familiar. I knew where it would take me. The second path (Life Coaching) felt confusing, overwhelming, scary and I didn’t know where it would take me. This uncertainty had the potential to give me that energizing, exciting and purposeful feeling. So I slowly walked a very windy road following what felt good to me. 

I needed to suffer for many years in order to give me the courage to sail into uncharted waters. I couldn’t just apply for a job as a life coach that already existed (although I tried many times). I had to navigate without a map: try new things, make mistakes, embarrass myself, fail, learn, switch directions. I learned to experience what coaches call “failing forward”. Failing for a purpose, my purpose, growing me toward a life that felt a lot more fulfilling than trying to convince myself that raising kids was enough to fulfill my soul’s calling. 

I had a lot of fears and limiting beliefs to overcome. “Who do I think I am?” “What if people don’t like me or think I’m weird?” “No one will hire me if my life isn’t perfect.” I had to learn to tame the mean sabotaging voice in my head and find some compassion glasses to put on when I talked to myself. I had to turn down my empathy dials and give up a habit of overwhelm and worrying. I had to stop people pleasing and find courage and gumption instead. 

It was a whole lot of work that involved a whole lot of suffering. But as sucky as it felt, I could fall back on that feeling that I was doing the right thing for ME. After a few hours of teaching, doing the dishes didn’t BOTHER me like it before. Now I could enjoy folding laundry because it was a break from putting myself out there. I had something interesting to think about while doing the same old tasks. I was back on track with my life’s purpose and I knew it because it felt so much better. 

We are born 100% ourselves, very connected to the essence of who we are, what interests we have, our innate personalities and talents. Along the way we become socialized away from this knowing. We learn what our society values and approves of. We learn to feel embarrassed or ashamed. We hide parts of ourselves, and exaggerate other parts, in order to be accepted and approved by our culture.

1. Reconnecting with your essence.
2. Obeying the call to align with that essence.

"Follow your bliss. If you do follow your bliss, you put yourself on a kind of track that has been there all the while waiting for you, and the life you ought to be living is the one you are living. When you can see that, you begin to meet people who are in the field of your bliss, and they open doors to you." Joseph Campbell

It was a cozy evening in November, I was sitting by the fireplace watching my son about to open his first college acceptance letter. We weren't expecting any to come this early so we were surprised. He hadn’t even finished filling out his applications yet so there was no built up anticipation. His school of choice, (Western Washington), accepted him in the major of his choice, (Linguistics). He smiled as he read. He looked up at me calmly and said, “That’s it. They want me, I want them. That’s it, I am decided.”

I spent the next month trying to convince him otherwise. “Are you sure?” “Don’t you at least want to tour this (more prestigious) school?” “We still have our trip planned to visit (out of state school offering good financial incentives), don’t you want to have something to compare to?” 

I made it sound logical but really, I was struggling. As soon as he chose his school, I realized something scary. 

It wasn’t that he was moving 900 miles away, I was mentally prepared for that. 

It wasn’t that I thought he was making the wrong decision, this school had everything he was looking for. 

It was this voice that came into my head saying, “This is where my adventure ends and his begins.”and I didn’t want that to be true. 

I LOVED the process of helping my son plan for his future. I loved touring schools, dreaming what it would be like to live in different places. I imagined my visits and what activities I could do while there. I got excited thinking about the different people, clubs, and opportunities he would have by going off to college. 

The truth of the sentence “This is where his adventure begins and mine ends.” hit me hard because I knew, in my heart, that I didn’t want my adventure to end. I wanted something new and exciting as well, but I didn’t know what that would be. I had 4 more years until my daughter graduated high school. I was content with my life. I had a part time job, a wonderful coaching practice, a good marriage, a house I loved, family and community nearby, I didn't want to go back to college or change anything in my life.

I ignored this call to adventure and decided I would be satisfied with visiting my son at school and going through college tours with my daughter. 

But in the back of my mind, I knew having an empty nest was going to unearth some realities I wasn’t ready to listen to. 

Instead of WAITING for the suffering to start, I went on a scavenger hunt. I started paying attention to which activities I loved and which ones I didn’t. I started imagining life without carpools and volleyball tournaments. When I encountered a mom with adult kids, I interviewed her to see where she found passion and adventure. 

Imagining this future life did not make me feel good. I was worried about where I would find meaning and purpose. Who would I be without kids in the house? What would happen to my marriage? My social life?

I paid attention to what lit me up. When I looked at social media, did I get jealous? If so, what was I jealous of? What books, TV shows and movies was I drawn to? Which friends did I enjoy the most and what topics of discussion did I find interesting? 

Over the years I have learned to TRUST this still small voice in my head. I knew it would lead me onto the right path for me, I just had to pay attention. 

Our friends came to visit from Costa Rica and tried to convince us to plan a vacation there. I wasn’t interested (seems crazy now but I think I was just too tired to think about it). But what REALLY surprised me was how I perked up at the idea of MOVING to Costa Rica and having my daughter do high school there. That was weird. Why would I be interested in moving to a place I’ve never been? Why would I rather live there, but not vacation there? I paid attention and made a mental note. 

When we went to Costa Rica and fell in love with the nature, the people, and the feeling of being removed from our busy, stimulating world. As a life coach, I knew that Costa Rica wasn’t magical (even though it felt that way), it was who we became while we there that we fell in love with. I tried to bring those relaxation vibes home with me. I experimented and played around with how to make my life in the suburbs more like Costa Rica. 

I planned an outing for my son and I before he left for University. I figured between it being my birthday and his last weekend at home, I could make him agree to do something fun with me one last time. We brought our bicycles, reserved some kayaks and drove to a lighthouse on the Pacific Coast to spend the night in a youth hostel. 

In the morning I woke up to the most beautiful view I had ever seen.

Towering cliffs plunged into the sparkling blue ocean while birds dove into the waves looking for their morning meal. The gentle waves rolled on the pristine sandy beach inside a serene cove while out into the ocean, the waves crashed against rock formations. I was awestruck. The sea otters rode the undulating waves on their backs without a care in the world. As I sipped my latte overlooking this panoramic view, I felt a feeling that I knew I wanted more of. This beautiful clear day, in an unfamiliar place, filled with planned, outdoor activities and a very clear voice inside that said “THIS”. This is what I want.

When you spend 18 years raising kids, it’s easy to lose track of who you are. When nobody asks you, “What do you want to do this weekend, Mom?” or “What do you want to eat for lunch?” You forget to ask yourself those fundamental questions. Everyone else’s desires come through loud and clear but are own are quiet. 

Our life’s purpose speaks to us through our desires. If we ignore our desires, we don’t know what our purpose is calling us towards.

This intuition, that we all have, gets our attention through yearning and discontent.

If we ignore the desire, it turns to discontentment.

If you ignore the discontentment, it turns into suffering. 

After this a-ha weekend with my son, I found some friends who were willing to create a “Mom’s Adventure Club”. A group of moms whose “kids won’t play with them anymore”. We plan hikes, bike rides, kayaking, snowshoeing and skiing adventures. It has been a saving grace for me during COVID and the transition to having kids move out of my house. 

I could have waited until I was sad, lost and lonely to figure out my empty nest strategy but why suffer if you don’t need to? Watching for clues of things that light you up, noticing where you feel jealous of others, what ignites you, imagining alternative life plans, is a light hearted way play at the game of life.

You are always living your purpose. You cannot escape it. It will either get your attention through yearnings and desires, or it will get it through suffering and discontent. It will never leave you. 

Now as I get ready to leave the house I raised my kids in, I have to remind myself that this adventure is what I wanted. I didn’t want predictability, I wanted uncertainty and I’ve got it. I want that awestruck feeling of waking up and seeing something amazing. I want to spend more time outdoors having new experiences. My life feels scary and uncomfortable, but very aligned with my purpose. My plan is to live summer’s at the lake, winter’s in Costa Rica, and coach my clients from beautiful places around the world. I’m not sure how working while traveling is going to go but I am excited to obey the call to adventure I heard almost 5 years ago. 

Following your purpose can involve a whole lot of suffering, or you can treat it like that game of you are getting warmer. You don’t know exactly where your destiny lies, but you have to take a step in some direction to find out if it feels warmer or colder. Even when you feel aligned with your purpose, something could change at any moment to uproot you. We never stop playing this game until the day we die. Does watching the news before bed make you feel warmer or colder? Does having a weekend with no plans make you feel warmer or colder? We are always changing but if you can keep a playful attitude while on this game of life, you will ENJOY the discovery of your purpose and eliminate unnecessary suffering.

Your purpose isn't just ONE thing. It's about being the person you were meant to be. When we attach too tightly to things going a certain way, we get too rigid. One way to stay flexible and open minded in a constantly changing world is to create 5 different paths for your future.

Your job is replaced by Artificial Intelligence. Your marriage implodes. Another pandemic hits. Aliens abduct your family and no one believes you. 

At any moment, something can derail your life. If this makes you feel anxious like it does me, exercise your creativity and come up with 5 alternative life plans. This way, your job is replaced by Artificial Intelligence, your marriage implodes, another pandemic hits or aliens abduct your family and no one believes you, you can just move on to Plan B. It's a sneaky way of feeling in control of something you don't have control over. 

Here are my 5 alternative life plans, all of which I would be happy to pursue.

1. I travel and work abroad with my husband, continuing to grow my podcast and coaching practice, from beautiful new places. 
2. I work at home but take time off to work in volunteer camps around the globe. Organizing trips for parents to come along with me and bring their teens. 
3. Find a small community that I love and want to get involved with. I teach kids, play golf, Pickleball, yoga, hike, and enjoy an outdoor lifestyle. Maybe I work a booth at art & wine on the weekends supporting a volunteer organization. 
4. I move abroad by myself and get a social job in the daytime where I can meet people (like waiting tables or some easy service job), then coach my clients at night. 
5. I live with a group of female friends, hosting speed dating events, working as a matchmaker and dating coach. 

There are many ways to live your life's purpose. You can't NOT live your life's purpose. Even if you are suffering, that is coming from your higher self, trying to get your attention so you can get back in the flow of your life.

[caption id="attachment_14147" align="aligncenter" width="543"] Interview with Corinne Crabtree[/caption]

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How can I take care of my own emotional needs?

I have tried too many times in too many ways to get my husband to be more empathetic and supportive. I want him to listen to me tenderly, and connect with me emotionally, without being dismissed. The vulnerability of putting myself out there, telling him what I need, and then not getting it, is too much for me to bear. I have been super understanding and accommodating towards him, it’s not fair that I don’t get what I need from him. I think we’d coexist peacefully if I could feel less dependent on him.

Is there a way to take care of my own emotional needs?

M.S.

Can you take care of your own emotional needs? 100% yes and I highly recommend doing it. 

Can you live in isolation and not ever need other people? 100% no. We are social creatures and we need other people around us for our mental well being. 

Even though you are talking about your husband, this is a very common occurrence with moms of teens. Moms come in thinking “I need my teen to be happy in order for me to be happy.” “I need my teenager to be nice to me so I can be nice to him.” “I need my teen to get good grades/have good friends so I can feel like a good parent.” 

When we put OUR ability to be happy in the hands of anyone else, it feels terrible. 

I got into a discussion with Rachel Simmons (author of Odd Girl Out) at a Girl’s Leadership training. She suggested adolescent girls express their needs to their friends as a way to resolve conflict and strengthen their relationship. “I need you to respond to my texts within 24 hours.” or “I need you to remember my birthday.” 

I thought this sounded awful and false. I don’t NEED you to do anything for me to love and appreciate you. I like you, you are my friend. You be you, I’ll be me, and I’ll love you because I want to! 

Rachel liked the vulnerability that is required for someone to admit,  “I need something from you.” Couples counselors use this terminology to help open up lines of communication. They want couples to reflect on what their needs are, and how their partner can fulfill these needs. 

This is certainly a step up from blame and using statements like “You never listen to me” which doesn’t lead to a productive outcome. The act of reflecting on what you need is helpful. I know for a fact that I need affection. But I don’t need my husband to be the one to give it to me. I can hug strangers, get massages, cuddle my dog, cat and girlfriends. Expecting your partner to be the only one to fulfill your needs puts a lot of pressure on them, and puts you in a vulnerable, precarious position. 

When my first child was born, I suddenly felt very vulnerable and needy. I was super anxious about something bad happening to my husband because I was so dependent on him for physical, emotional, and financial support. The thought of him dying or leaving made me lose my mind. Once I did the work to overcome that stress, I never wanted to go back. 

I did the same thing with my baby. I would sing to him “You are my sunshine, my only sunshine.” But I hated saying the line “Please don’t take my sunshine away.” because it made me feel too vulnerable. I changed it to “No one will take my sunshine away” because I didn’t want to feel that fear. 

My need back then, was security. I needed to feel secure. But asking my husband and child not to die so I could feel secure was not the answer. I had to do the inner work to learn how to feel secure, no matter what happened to them. 

We all have a need to feel seen, heard, and felt. If your partner’s active listening is the only way you get that need met, it puts a lot of pressure on a relationship that also needs to get dishes done, help with homework, feed children, carpool and walk the dog. Being able to take care of your own emotional needs is a BRILLIANT strategy. 

Paying for what we want keeps the relationship clean. Whether it’s a therapist or a life coach, the rules are simple. This is all about you. This is your time to get your needs met. Writing your thoughts in a journal can get you really connected with your inner world. Having girlfriends or support groups that go deep are great, facebook groups or other online forums designed for deep and meaningful conversations can give you what you are looking for. Books and podcasts that speak to your soul can help you meet your own emotional needs. 

When we take care of our emotional needs, everything else we get on top of that is icing on the cake. We feel empowered and free because we trust ourselves to pay attention to our hearts desire, and find many ways to fulfill that desire. 

The social programming that teaches kids (especially girls) not to WANT things. 

Girls and women are not encouraged to pay attention to their desires, or believe they are worthy of pursuing them. 

When we were little, we all knew what we wanted, but society taught us to swallow it and do what everyone else is doing:

“You shouldn’t want dessert for breakfast”

“You might want to run around outside with your friends but you should be a good girl and sit indoors on hard chairs like everyone else.” 

Society sends us messages like…

“You should be generous, but not a pushover.”

“You should be confident but not cocky.” 

“You should care about your appearance, but don’t try too hard. 

We get so many messages about what we are SUPPOSED to want, it makes it hard to hear, acknowledge and pursue our desires. “We should want to do well in school.” “We should be interested in boys and romance.” “We should care what other people think about us.” 

You absolutely can WANT your husband to listen with tenderness. Wanting that, from a place of worthiness and confidence, feels very different, than needing it. You might even find out that he wants it, too. 

Give yourself permission to want what you want because you want it. Believe you are worthy of receiving it. Believe that the rest of the world wants it for you as well. Ask for it with calm, leadership energy. 

Let’s differentiate need from want.

What is a NEED that you have? Don’t be specific, stay general. Peace, Quiet, Security, Love, Connection, Beauty. We all have needs but they are never “I need another person to act in a certain way”. Focus on the feeling that action would give you. Then, list 5 different ways you can give that to yourself: Walk in nature, Pay off your debts, Appreciate your dog for his loving attention. 

What do you WANT right now? Practice asking for what you want from a place of worthiness. This is where to be really specific and make sure to start your sentence with I WANT!

• Ask your partner for something you want: I want you to rub my shoulders for 5 minutes. I want your help doing the dishes after dinner. I want you to listen to me for 60 seconds then repeat back what you heard me say.
• Ask your kids for something you want: I want you to clean out the car after school today, I want you to speak kindly to your sister.  
• Ask yourself for something you want: I want to drink water instead of wine tonight. I want to get up early tomorrow and write in my journal before the kids get up.
• Ask the Universe for what you want: I want my kid to enjoy his baseball season. I want nice weather for our camping trip next month. 

We all want such good things: peace, joy, sunshine, a break, a lovely meal, quiet, fun, nature, to get lost in a good book. 

Wouldn’t the world be a better place if we took care of our emotional needs and just went around expressing our desire for what we wanted?

People feel so much better after going through the 12 week Supermom is Getting Tired Coaching Program, they assume the issues they conquered will never resurface.

Au contraire, mon amie. 

This assumption is today’s Supermom Kryptonite because it’s just not true. When challenges arise and we are hit with multiple disappointments, it is normal for old patterns to re-emerge. Expecting this to happen and meeting yourself with compassion is the key to progress. 

This happened to me with my move last week. It’s the week before putting the house on the market. My daughter is home for spring break. I’m managing roof inspectors, sewer inspectors, pest inspectors, house inspectors, plumbers, electricians and handymen, all while trying to keep my newly staged house clean and clutter free. My brain was overwhelmed. 

I remember this feeling well when the kids were little. I would walk around the house like a zombie, putting one glass in the dishwasher, folding one towel, sending one email. It felt like I couldn’t accomplish anything. My mind was a fuzzy haze. I had no clarity. This happened to me again last week. 

It’s called an Information Bottleneck. Too much coming in at one time causes our nervous system to go into fight, flight, or freeze. Some of my clients go into a cleaning frenzie when they feel pressured (I always envied the folks who stress clean). 

When I feel pressure, or if someone is trying to hurry me along, my nervous system freezes. I move slower. I can’t process. This, (combined some with a little handy blame and resentment towards my husband) made me regress into old familiar patterns. 

But because I write, talk and coach clients on this all the time, I knew exactly how to handle it. I started with grace and compassion. The old me would have beat myself up for not being more productive, asking horrible questions like “What’s wrong with me?”. This time there was no judgment (a little disappointment at the timing of it, but it I thought about you all and it motivated me to stay self observing). 

I walked through the worst case scenario if it doesn’t get done and found there was no emergency. I got out of the house and into environments without a visible to-do list (a walk around the neighborhood, my car). I made time to focus on only one thing (coaching calls and TV shows help me block out the mind clutter). I got everything out of my head and onto paper. I broke things down into super small baby steps so that I could feel accomplished. I delegated, deleted and delayed my tasks. By doing these things, I was able to get my Central Nervous System back on board after only two days of zombie mom. 

So remember that under stress, we regress, but if you meet it with compassion and remind yourself that you know what to do, you’ll be back on track in no time. 

By Portia Nelson from the book There's a Hole in The Sidewalk

I

I walk down the street. There is a deep hole in the sidewalk I fall in. I am lost ... I am helpless. It isn't my fault. It takes me forever to find a way out.

II

I walk down the same street. There is a deep hole in the sidewalk. I pretend I don't see it. I fall in again. I can't believe I am in the same place but, it isn't my fault. It still takes a long time to get out.

III

I walk down the same street. There is a deep hole in the sidewalk. I see it is there. I still fall in ... it's a habit. my eyes are open I know where I am. It is my fault. I get out immediately.

IV

I walk down the same street. There is a deep hole in the sidewalk. I walk around it.

V

I walk down another street.

Dear Torie

I’m not getting it all done!

I have 4 school aged kids, 2 dogs, a part time job, a partner and a house. I am blessed and grateful for this full and busy life…BUT…it frustrates me that no matter how much I accomplish, I am ALWAYS BEHIND. I keep forgetting things, losing things, no matter how fast I move, I feel like always chasing my tail. The idea that I can master motherhood is falling fast.

I just want to knock out my to-do list so I can relax but it never happens, there is always more to get done. I go to bed thinking, “If I just had more time…”

It’s starting to impact my self confidence. My family notices I’m not the happy parent I used to be when the kids were little. They keep offering to give me massages or telling me to take breaks, but if I do, more work will pile up. It takes a lot of logistics to get my 4 duckies all moving in one direction. There’s no time for wandering off (please don’t lecture me about overscheduling my children) but I am stressed out and something’s gotta change.

Stuck on the hamster wheel Hannah

Hardworking, Supermom Hannah! My heart goes out to you because I have certainly been where you are and so many other moms are right there with you right now. I promise not to judge or lecture you because I have no idea how many activities are right for you or your kids. Everyone is different and I trust you are making the decisions that are right for you.

Your question is one of the most common kryptonites for Supermoms. Tackling INVISIBLE problems is my specialty. You aren’t DOING anything wrong, but the emotional energy you are in from dawn to dusk is exhausting.

We can call this time anxiety, like I did in episode 38. We can talk about tips and tricks for prioritizing the to-do list but I did that in episode 129. We can talk about a resistance to relaxation but I covered that in episode 69.

Time anxiety is so insidious and a leading cause of tired Supermoms, it’s worth talking about it in a new way. Getting stuck on the productivity hamster wheel robs you of your ability to ENJOY this precious time of raising your beautiful kids.

Let’s compare our relationships with time, to a romantic relationship. Does your relationship with time seem balanced? Mutually supportive? Uplifting and energizing?

Not really. In this example it’s more like Hannah is stalking her ex.

Think of time as your ex boyfriend, hiding from you, dodging your calls, pretending not to see you, and you are hunting it down, NEEDING it back! You can’t look at dating anyone else, you are hyper focused on getting this illusive hottie back to where your relationship last felt good.

Hannah’s BRAIN is stuck on this hamster wheel of trying to get all her work done so she can finally relax. It seems like the only way to feel at peace is to cross items off your to-do list. Similar to someone who thinks their ex is the ONLY love they will ever need or want and no one else will ever fulfill them.

Can you see that YOU are NOT the problem? Your TO-DO LIST is not the problem. TIME is not the problem.

The problem is the relationship you have with time is unbalanced.

A healthy relationship with time looks similar to a healthy romantic relationship. Giving and Receiving Mutually Supportive Kind, gentle and compassionate Understanding and accepting of one another’s limitations.

Most people think of time as unlimited, and a to-do list as finite. This perception increases feelings of inadequacy, frustration, and disappointment when we don’t get everything done. Your sentence “no matter how much I accomplish, I am ALWAYS BEHIND” is a sentence that’s going to make anyone feel crappy. Imagine your child goes out for basketball and you tell her, “No matter how much you accomplish, you’ll always be behind.” It’s an awful thing to hear when you are working your butt off on a daily basis.

You’ll find a more peaceful relationship with time if you flip it. TIME is finite, and the TO-DO list is infinite. You might be thinking, “wait a second, Torie, thinking that time is limited and I have an endless amount of tasks is way MORE stressful! That is a TERRIBLE thought to think!”

We have a limited amount of time here on Earth. Our kids are young and under our roofs for such a short period of time. We only have 24 hours in a day and 60 minutes in each hour. Time is finite. Once we can accept that it calls us to a higher place. We start thinking about what’s really important. If I only have 24 hours in a day, and 8 are spent sleeping, that leaves 16 hours each day to dedicate towards the things I VALUE. Do I really want to be scrolling through my phone during those valuable hours? Do I really want to feel frustrated and stressed from dawn to dusk, or is there another emotion I’d like to feel instead? Is the highest use of these valuable hours to ‘get everything done’ or is there another perspective worth adopting?

The to-do list, however, is infinite. The kids get older and more gets added. One likes music, the other likes sports, your animal lover can’t have enough animals around the house. You want them to have relationships with family, friends, nature and culture. There’s always more to learn, more to celebrate, more to clean, more to plan and do. There is no end to the amount of things you can add to your to-do list.

Just because TIME is invisible, we think there is no end to it. To-do lists are visible, so we think they are finite. Flip them around and it will improve your relationship with time.

Think of TIME like your closet, and the items on your to-do list are the clothes in your closet. If you jam it full of stuff, it makes sense you would lose things and forget you had them. But that doesn’t mean you are failing at motherhood!

There is an endless amount of clothing in the world you could bring home and stuff in your closet. You have the power to choose, curate, rotate your winter/summer clothes, keep the essentials and enjoy the items you love most. Some people like the abundant feeling of a full with plenty of choices. Some people enjoy the simplicity of a pared down minimalist closet. You get to decide what is right for you, but let’s work on not FIGHTING with the closet or the clothes that are in it.

You’ve got this situation that many moms in the trenches face called “Too much to do, not enough time to do it.” You are feeling overwhelmed, inadequate, and frustrated about this fact. But let’s imagine you can choose from a buffet table of emotions. How do you want to feel about the fact that you have more to do than time to do it? This is where your control lies. You can choose how you’d like to feel about your overstuffed closet known as TIME. Do you want to feel peaceful? Empowered? Motivated? Neutral or matter of fact?

The most important thing is to take back your power. When we feel like getting through the to-do list is the only way to relax, and we never get through it, it feels like we have no power. You giving away our ability to feel at peace whenever we want. Choosing how you want to feel and focusing on that emotion helps us create a new relationship with time.

We create stress in the present by worrying about feeling a negative emotion in the future.

We are afraid to take a break for fear of feeling even more stressed out later.

We are afraid to drop a ball because we might feel judged by other moms, teachers, coaches, our kids or partners.

We are afraid to fall behind because the voice in our head will tell us we are failing at motherhood and we will believe it.

This fear of future emotions causes us to feel negative emotions now.

There are two ways to deal with this.

First is to learn how to process emotions. To move emotions through you in a healthy way so they don’t eat you alive. It takes a little time and practice but it is well worth the journey.

The thing we fear most is a negative emotion. We don’t want our kids to die because we don’t want to be grief stricken. We don’t want to take breaks from our busy lives because we fear feeling anxious, overwhelmed, embarrassed, or ashamed. When you get good at feeling feelings, there is nothing to be afraid of because you trust yourself to handle any emotion that comes your way. A feeling shows up and you say hello to it. Close your eyes, give yourself 90 seconds to process it in the body, and then it moves on. Allowing yourself to feel anxiety and overwhelm without resisting them, will save you so much time, energy and hassle. When we RESIST emotions they can last forever, but feeling them is quick and relatively painless.

The second way to deal with this is to recognize that the reason we imagine feeling so terrible in the future is because we know what we are going to say to ourselves, about ourselves.

You don’t want your kids to die because you don’t want to feel despair. But even WORSE is when you are sad and grieving and a voice comes in to say, “I told you shouldn’t have let him eat that grape, or drive that car.” Or something really nasty like, “A good mom would've insisted on getting a second opinion.” That inner mean girl is who we ultimately fear.

If you were to build a more peaceful relationship with time, that inner mean girl may come in and tell you, “You are lazy. You are falling behind. You aren’t cut out for this. You don’t have time to relax because there is work to be done.” This inner mean girl is relentless. She is the cause of the shame, guilt, embarrassment, or despair. But guess who determines what that inner mean girl says to us inside our heads? WE DO! It might not seem like it, but learning to manage our minds is another worthwhile skill to have in your pocket to make life easier and more enjoyable.

Even when other people judge us, we still get decide what we say to ourselves about ourselves.

You’ve got a busy life with a lot going on so it makes sense you would want to optimize your time but trying to maximize every day is exhausting. Many moms who struggle with time anxiety strive everyday to spend their time in the most optimal way. It sounds lovely but it’s a kryptonite because when we DON’T meet our own high expectations, we feel defeated. We either optimize our time which temporarily silences the mean girl voice, (no high fives or celebrations mind you!) or we feel behind, stressed, and have to work even harder to quiet that inner mean girl voice. Hannah’s sentence “The idea that I can master motherhood is falling fast.” clued me in to some unconscious maximizing she might be doing. Either I’m MASTERING MOTHERHOOD or I’m…..what…..FAILING? This black and white thinking is exhausting and creates a toxic relationship with time.

It’s easy to get overwhelmed when you think everything is on you. It’s up to you to get your duckies moving in a line, it’s your responsibility to sign field trip forms, plan birthday parties, and bring snacks to softball games. Your job, house, pet care, sporting events, children’s schooling, safety, clothing, hygiene, social life, sleep, all seems like it’s all on your shoulders. It’s a lot and I get it, but it’s not ALL on you.

You are co-creating this life. There is a team helping you move your duckies forward. God or The Universe is helping you get things done. Games get rained out, kids get sick, lights turn green, and kids get good grades. Sometimes, without any effort on your part, things work out.

You are also co-creating with your kids. Sometimes, when you aren’t looking, kids become more capable. They bathe themselves and brush their own teeth. They pour their own cereal for breakfast and learn to use a microwave. Sometimes they complain so loudly and continuously about gymnastics that you decide it’s not worth it. Your kids are helping you create this life.

Pick a thought that feels good next time you are stressed about not getting it all done.

I am being guided.

I am co-creating this life.

This is the life I wanted. I have a full and busy life and I wouldn’t want it any other way.

This is what I’m meant to be doing.

It wasn't a perfect day and that's ok.

I can only do what I can do.

I am open to receiving whatever the Universe delivers.

I am living aligned with my values.

Whatever happens is for my best and highest good.

“We all have different interests, skill sets, concentration cycles and energy levels. The key is to find out how long it really takes you to do the things you need to do and move away from wishful thinking.”

Hi Torie,

What do I do when my high schooler won’t ask for help at school and his grades are suffering? 

My 10th grader has missed a lot of school this year due to various illnesses, most recently missing 7 days due to having Covid. His grades in several classes have plummeted.

I’m sympathetic to his situation - it’s not his fault that he has missed so much school, and getting behind in a bunch of classes and getting low grades feels awful. But the fact remains - he IS behind and he needs to work with his teachers in order to get caught up.

I’ve talked to him many times about what he needs to do to catch up. I’ve asked him where he needs help or additional instruction, but he just shrugs. I’ve advised him to talk to his teachers and ask them for help. I’ve floated the idea of talking to his teachers myself and he’s been clear that he doesn’t want me to get involved. And while I want to respect his wishes as well as letting him have the experience of figuring all of this out… I can’t help but wonder if he’s in over his head and needs an adult to step in and coordinate Project Catch-up. Until this year, the academic aspects of school have been quite easy for him, so these struggles are new for us both. I appreciate your input.

Signed,

Resisting-the-urge-to-helicopter

Help for helicoptering

I love how you signed it “resisting the urge to helicopter”. It sounds like your anxiety about his grades is pretty loud in your head but your instincts are saying “something about this feels like overstepping”.  Instead of indulging your anxiety and ‘helicoptering’, you are resisting that action until all parts of you are in agreement. A great reminder that fear is LOUD, instincts are QUIET, and INTEGRITY is that feeling of being whole and aligned with your values.

Help for helicoptering

You've already done a lot:

“I’ve talked to him many times about what he needs to do to catch up.”

“I’ve asked him where he needs help or additional instruction, but he just shrugs.” 

“I’ve advised him to talk to his teachers and ask them for help.”

Normally I would suggest the problem solving technique where you write the problem at the top of the page. “Low grades due to absences” and then brainstorm solutions, taking turns so you each are writing down different ways to handle it. Come up with many possible solutions, then take turns crossing out the ones you don’t like, leaving one to two compromise solutions at the end that you both agree to. 

I’m not suggesting this technique here because of what you wrote here: “he’s been clear that he doesn’t want me to get involved.” 

The only advice I can recommend that you haven’t already done is to make sure he understands the consequences of his actions so that he knows what he is choosing.  

What are the natural consequences of a D or F ?

Would he go to summer school? Will he be preventing himself from getting into an AP class next year? Will it change which colleges he applies to or prevent him from graduating high school? 

Once he understands the consequences, he can decide if he’s ok with that. Maybe he’d rather get his GED and be done with school? Maybe he was planning to go to junior college first anyway and he doesn’t want to stress about it? Maybe he’s figured that he’s a sophomore and it’s the junior year grades that count the most so he’s not worrying about it? 

Helping him understand what the natural consequences are, can help him make an educated decision and choose his preferred course of action. 

Is it possible that your brain was so focused on PREVENTING him from getting low grades, that you aren’t even sure what the actual next steps would be? Summer school is a way more boring thing for the brain to think about than the catastrophizing scenario your anxiety brain can create. 

Let’s take a look at what’s blocking you from allowing your son to steer the ship of his own life.

Help for helicoptering

Fact - My 10th grader has missed a lot of school this year due to various illnesses.

Fact - His grades in several classes have plummeted.

Fact - He is behind

Not a fact -  “He needs to work with his teachers in order to get caught up.” 

This is your belief that is causing you to lock in on one solution to his problem. When he resists the one solution, you feel stuck because you THINK it’s a fact. (You literally said, “the fact remains…) 

Fact - You’ve expressed your opinion about what you believe to be the most effective way to get his grades up. 

Fact - You’ve offered him help. 

Fact - He doesn’t want you to get involved. 

Thought - “He’s in over his head and NEEDS an adult to step in and coordinate Project Catch Up.”  

Look at how compelling this sentence is to a loving mom who wants the best for her son: 

“He NEEDS me! I can coordinate Project Catch Up! That sounds easy and fun and I know just what to do to fix his problem! Look at me putting on my Supermom Cape and sweeping in to solve my sick, helpless boy’s problem. What a good mom I am rescuing my son from failure!”

I love how crafty our Supermom brains are! Look at how you changed the helicoptering to sound so innocent: 

“I’ve talked to him many times about what he needs to do to catch up. I’ve asked him where he needs help or additional instruction. I’ve advised him to talk to his teachers and ask them for help.”

Very matter of fact. 

But when you get to overstepping you change it to….

“I’ve floated the idea of talking to his teachers myself and he’s been clear that he doesn’t want me to get involved.” 

You aren’t an overbearing helicopter mom! You are a sweet innocent hot air balloon who just happens to be floating by and observing a DROWNING, HELPLESS BOY WHO IS OVER HIS HEAD AND NEEDS IMMEDIATE HELP! 

Whenever we offer help to our kids, make sure you view them as capable of solving their own problems. “You need my help” energy is very off putting and healthy, independent kids will run screaming for the hills.

To clean up your energy, we start with eliminating the cognitive dissonance. 

Cognitive dissonance is when two competing beliefs bounce around our brains at the same time, making us feel stuck and yuck.

The cognitive dissonance in today’s question is: 

“I want to respect his wishes and let him have the experience of figuring it all out.”

Vs. 

“I don’t want him to suffer any negative academic consequences from his illnesses.” 

Of course you don’t want him to suffer negative consequences from being sick, that doesn’t seem fair, but which of these beliefs is more reflective of the mom you want to be?

Do you want to be the mom who thinks grades are the most important thing?

Do you want to be a mom whose child never suffers or struggles?

Do you want to be the mom who trusts her 15 year old to solve his own problems? 

When my daughter planned a graduation trip in Barcelona for her and 10 friends, my anxiety was on high. This was new and uncomfortable for me. The one thing that helped me calm down enough to learn more about it was remembering the kind of mom I wanted to be. I wanted to be a mom who encourages her teen to travel internationally. I didn’t want to be the kind of mom who makes parenting decisions out of fear and passes down my anxiety. Could bad things happen? Sure. But the statistical probability that she would DIE in Spain (as my anxiety liked to imagine) was very low. 

Ask yourself, what is the worst thing that would happen if he gets D’s & F’s on his report card? Will he get so down on himself he’ll drop out of school, start doing drugs and become homeless?  Will this be the beginning of the end? Will his grades stay D’s and F’s and he’ll have to live with you for an extra 2 years while he attends community college? Will your off the grid summer plans get interrupted because he’ll need internet access to complete his summer school course work? 

Listen to that anxious brain, hear what it has to say, but don’t indulge it. Do math instead. What is the mathematical likelihood these scenarios will happen? Can I live with this consequence in order to live my values? 

1. First, separate out the facts from your thoughts about the facts. 
2. Notice how the anxiety brain is futurizing and catastrophizing. 
3. Do Math. What is the statistical probability that disaster will ensue? 
4. Identify the cognitive dissonance. What are the competing beliefs that are keeping you stuck? 
5. Connect with your values and who you want to be as a mom. 

Help for helicoptering

Help for helicoptering

We EXPECT our child’s progress to be this smooth upward trajectory towards independence. They figure out the dmv website, sign up for driver’s ed, and pass their permit test without any input from mom. We think, “this is amazing, my work here is done!” But then prom season arrives and they can’t figure out where it is, when it is, how to buy a ticket, which of their friends is going, what the dress code is or how much it costs. We get frustrated that something so easy seems like an insurmountable task. This is intermittent competence and it’s very normal with teens. 

When this typical teen has a mom who loves to help people feel better and solve problems, it becomes today’s kryptonite. 

Some of us are BORN to help others. We see someone in need and we jump up to help. When anyone (but especially someone we care about!) appears lost, confused, uncertain, unhappy or unwell, our bodies react instinctively like we have an uncontrollable tic. 

Tics are sudden twitches, movements, or sounds that people do repeatedly. A person with a motor tic might blink repeatedly, a person with a vocal tic might grunt repeatedly, and a mom with a helping tic might jump in repeatedly and offer to help with enthusiasm! 

If you’ve got a helping tic, and you are living with a sometimes competent teen, give yourself some grace. Be really proud of yourself for resisting the urge to step in and take over. You are being triggered daily! Maybe even multiple times a day! Every time you ask the question, “would you like my help?” instead of jumping in, give yourself a reward! 

[caption id="attachment_9301" align="aligncenter" width="652"] Stressed young woman in checkered shirt standing with hands near temples near concrete wall with colorful brain sketch. Concept of studying too much[/caption]

You can play by yourself or with kids but it's especially helpful when you have a problem you are trying to solve.

It works with anything but let’s imagine you see a weeping willow tree with limbs dangling over a still pond. Ask yourself, “How is my situation with my son’s grades like this willow tree?” 

Let your right brain come up with a creative response like, 

“I’m like the long limbs dangling into the pond, and my son is the pond. I’m trying to insert myself even though the pond doesn’t really need me in the water with him. He likes me being nearby, providing shade and a calm presence, but I can mind my own business and trust that my presence here is enough.” 

Or maybe you see a flock of birds flying above and ask, “How is my situation like that flock of birds?” Use your imagination to help guide you toward a solution. 

“I’m like the lead bird, taking my flock in the direction I know is best for everyone. One bird has gone rogue and is flying in a direction I don’t want him to. How can I steer him back in my direction? Maybe we can follow him for a while and see if he’s got a better idea? Maybe it’s time for him to lead his own flock and this makes me sad, but that’s ok?” 

Anxiety is on the left hemisphere of the brain. Metaphors bring us over to the right hemisphere of our brains where we have access to creative problem solving and outside the box thinking. 

“If you want to enter a state of pure connection with your child, you can achieve this by setting aside any sense of superiority.” Dr. Shefali Tsabary

Episode #145

Today's podcast episode is the episode I wish I had when my first born was little.

Today we are talking all things sensitive and sensory with Melissa Schwartz from www.LeadingEdgeParenting.com

If your kid is HYPERsensitive, you are probably already aware of it. It usually shows up the first few years with a sensitivity to lights, noises, textures, smells and tastes. They might be easily overstimulated and have long lasting meltdowns when exposed to too much stimulation. Kids whose sensory information is disorganized might be light sleepers, sensitive to pain, refuse to wear sunscreen or certain clothes, reluctant huggers, or prone to anxiety.

If your child is emotionally sensitive you probably notice this, too. These kids cry when others cry, they don't like intense TV scenes or movies, they might be tuned in to your emotions and feel depleted after being in large groups. Perhaps they struggle extra hard with coaches who yell, friends who are mean, and chaotic environments. If your child has stopped eating meat, it's probably out of sensitivity to animals or our planet.

But if your child is HYPOsensitive, you might not notice these symptoms as much. These kids can complain very little. You might notice they are clumsy, always have things in their mouth, they are more likely to wet their pants than throw a tantrum. These kids have a high tolerance for pain, noise, excitement, and seek out stimulating activities. They might fill their mouths or bellies full of food so they can experience the feeling of being full, or they may skip meals because they can't recognize the inner sensation of hunger. If your kid loves wrestling, climbing up high places, making messes and eating salty, crunchy, chewy food, you might have a sensory seeking child.

Melissa was born an intense, sensitive, empathic, power seeker. She is a respected expert in the field of Highly Sensitive Children and brings clarity, personal experience and compassion for parents raising HSCs. Her intuitive ability to decode misbehavior and her passion for giving a voice to the legitimate needs of children naturally evolved into becoming the co-creator of Leading Edge Parenting and co-author of Authentic Parenting Power and Rico’s Bumpy Week. She is an internationally acclaimed author, coach and public speaker bringing new perspective based on current research and personal experience to transform the field of child development. Melissa is a Stanford University alumna and a graduate of the University of Massachusetts at Amherst. She lives with her family in Southern California and coaches parents around the world.

Leading Edge Parenting Facebook Group

"Authentic Parenting Power" book --

"Rico the Race Car" children's book --

Dear Torie,

How do I guide my son as he enters and navigates the world of dating and new friendships?

We recently started a new school (at age 13) and he is spending his time with a new group of kids. I want to teach him to look for healthy relationships, both in dating and friendships, but I also want him to be aware of signs of toxic behavior, jealousy, attention seeking girls, trust, morals, etc. 

We live in a social media obsessed, poor emotional communication skills world, and sometimes it seems like I’m the only one still trying to guide him through at this age. I’m hoping to prevent false friendships or “frenemy” type relationships. I want him to recognize when someone is a genuine good friend, without giving too much input. When my kids were younger, I would interject freely as needed for guidance. With the new school and the big peer change, I feel conflicted on how much involvement is too much mom involvement. 

Nicole

It’s easy to impart our wisdom and guide teenagers when they come to us with specific problems or complaints about friendships. 

“Diego invited me to his birthday party, but he didn’t invite Sam. Sam asked me to hang out this Saturday during Diego’s birthday party. What should I do?” 

or

“Kylie keeps texting me asking why I’m not texting her back. It’s getting super annoying. How do I get her to leave me alone?” 

For a mom who wants to guide her kids’ social relationships, this is music to the ears. A real life situation and a kid who is asking mom for advice. 

The best way for me to answer Nicole’s question “How to guide teens to make good choices” is to help get her into a position where her kid comes to her for help with real life problems. 

Opening up the lines of communication between parents and tweens is the main purpose of my Time for The Talk class. When you show your kid you can talk about sexuality in a relaxed and open way, they learn you are open to talking about other difficult topics as well. Time for The Talk class starts February 15th and it’s the only one I’m teaching this year so if you have a 9-12 year old, or a young 13 year old, sign up at www.TimeforTheTalk.com 

Let's look at this way. A 13 year old’s job is to fire their parent. To communicate to parents in words and actions, “Your work here is done.”

“I have internalized everything you taught me over the last 13 years, you are a very loud voice in my head that will never go away. Now I need to make room for other voices inside my head. I want to make room for what my teachers, coaches, authors and idols have to say. I want to make room for my friend’s opinions, and those I follow on social media. I still want to know what you think about the complex decisions I will need to make, but I want to have some new experiences and have room to learn from my own mistakes. I want your input, but I want to come to my own conclusions about what I think and believe to be true and right for me.”

While a kid’s job is to fire their parents, a parent’s job is to earn a place at the board of director’s table. To demonstrate, to your child, that you can provide wisdom and guidance when asked. To show your kid you are willing and available to discuss difficult topics, while respecting their journey and allowing mistakes to be made without overreacting.

13 is the perfect age for parents to switch from being the authoritative parent with all the answers, to being your child’s coach. The coach is there to help the child get what THEY want. The coach has been through it before and now, with an outsider’s perspective, can offer wisdom and experience to the player. The coach isn’t on the field playing the game, they are the one to turn to when things get tough, or when kid’s can’t see the forest for the trees. The coach doesn’t worry about the player because they know failing, losing and getting hurt are all part of the process of working towards their goals. 

Nicole’s problem is that there are no real problems to solve yet. What she can do in the meantime is talk, out loud, about her own friendship struggles. 

How do you handle it when you said yes to a social engagement that you really don’t want to attend? 

What do you say to friends who are needy or passive aggressive? 

When you find out you have been left out of a social gathering, or being lied to, how do you handle that situation?

How do you handle it when friends share inappropriate content with you? 

Relationships are messy. There is no perfect way to navigate through every social situation. When you are open and can discuss them without judgement of right/wrong, good/bad, your child will learn that you are the perfect person to come to when struggles emerge. 

What keeps us from the neutral, emotionally detached seat at the board of directors table?

Fear of being a “bad mom” and fear of losing our role in our child’s life. 

There is a sneaky little cultural belief that has slipped into our subconscious minds causing us to WORRY about our kids. This pervasive cultural belief sounds like “A good mom should prevent her child from negative emotions and negative experiences.” or “If my child gets involved in a toxic relationship, I have somehow failed as his mother.” 

When we think our job is to prevent problems from occurring, we get ATTACHED to the outcome. We care, too much, about making sure our child only has positive experiences. When our child gets caught up in a frenemy situation, we think we’ve failed to do our job properly. We don’t want to fail, so we try to prevent our kids from having negative experiences.

When we try to guide and educate from fear, it comes across to our teens as “I don’t trust you to make good decisions on your own.” “I don’t trust that the last 10 years of my teachings has been enough.” “I don’t trust your friends to be nice to you, or for you to be able to handle it without my help.” 

When we WORRY instead of TRUST, it closes off communication. It either makes kids not want to come to you with problems because they don't want you to worry or not trust them, or it makes them scared of getting into relationships altogether. 

The other obstacle that gets in our way is a fear of losing our role as mom. It sounds like Nicole has been very involved in her son’s life, education (WE changed schools) and social life for the last 13 years. When you’ve built so much of your life and identity around being an involved mom, it’s really scary to let go of it. In my Leading Your Teen coaching program, we devote significant time to letting go of this role because it is a big obstacle to us, being the mom we want to be, to our adolescents. 

The antidote to worry, is trust. But in order to access it, we have to shake off the belief that our job as moms is to prevent our children from having negative experiences. We also need to let go of the wonderful time we had raising our kid, to make room for the experience of raising an adolescent, whose job is to make mistakes.

Remind yourself that unsavory social relationships are a part of life. When kids enter into toxic relationships, they get a quick lesson in what they DON'T want, making it suddenly very clear and important what they DO want. These unhealthy relationships help us appreciate the healthy ones and make us determined to make smart choices with future friends and romantic partners. 

Rediscover is such a good word. It means to discover something again that has been ignored or forgotten. When your child turns 13, or starts pushing you away, yearning for separation, it is the perfect time to rediscover the sides of ourselves that got buried while parenting. 

If we wait until our child turns 18, or leaves the house, we run the risk of parenting from fear. Fear of not being needed, fear of an empty life, fear of losing our identity as mom. Fear, unchecked, turns into need, dependency and control. When we NEED our kids to stay dependent on us, it makes us dependent on them, which doesn’t feel good. When we feel we are losing control, we cling more tightly, making our kids push us even harder away. 

So waiting until your kid leaves the house to rediscover yourself is today’s Supermom Kryptonite. 

Start now, while you are still entrenched in the day-to-day busyness of raising a teenager who is still dependent on you. Think back to the time before kids, what did you used to do for fun? Is there a way you can incorporate that into your life now? 

Maybe you used to wait tables or go out dancing in night clubs to pick up hotties. Notice the voice that comes in and says, “but I don’t want to do that now”. This naysayer voice will keep you stuck but don’t let it. Get general instead of specific. 

Ask what about that activity was most enjoyable? If it was dancing you liked, there are many ways to do that now. Was it getting dressed up with your girlfriends or the excitement of a crowded place? Come join me in Mardi Gras! Did you love the unpredictability of a night out?  Pick a day and drive to a new location. Instead of making plans, just allow the day to unfold, doing whatever you feel like doing in that moment. 

Reconnecting to what used to be fun before kids, will make the empty nest sting less. Start now building a life that is more YOU focused, and less kid focused. Your teen will enjoy the reduced pressure your attention on him sometimes offer. He will enjoy seeing you try new things, grow in new, uncomfortable directions, just like he is. You can share embarrassing stories of putting yourself out there only to get rejected. Role modeling instead of lecturing is much more powerful.

Rediscover the part of you that parenting buried so you can diversify your joy. When parenting isn’t the main source of joy and purpose, it makes it easier to let go and trust your kid to come to you if he needs help. 

We cannot prevent our kids from negative emotions, or negative experiences, nor should we. But we can help them learn to trust their gut. “Listening to your intuition” “The still voice in your head” are very abstract terms for our literal kiddos. 

To make it more concrete, point out what you see and hear. “I notice you laugh more when Dante is around.” “Whenever you sleepover at Reece’s house, you seem extra cranky the next day.” “You have the same complaint about basketball every year.” “I see you light up when you are at drama practice.” Our brains can talk us into anything but our bodies show the truth. Pointing out what we see can help our kids cut through the mental clutter and know the truth. 

When they do come to you with advice asking, "What should I do about so and so?" Ask them questions in return. What do you like about it? What is your gut telling you? “What do you know to be true about you?” can help your child tune into their intuition and instinctual intelligence. 

Quote of the Day: “Worry is like a rocking chair, it gives you something to do but won’t get you anywhere.” Erma Bombeck 

When clients get on a coaching call with me, sometimes they start the conversation with "I don't know if it's just my hormones but I've been super tired and cranky lately."

If are tired of feeling tired, and aren't sure if life coaching or health coaching is right for you, today's podcast is a great place to start.

Today I interview Heidi Toy from www.heiditoyfunctionalmedicine.com

Heidi Toy is a certified functional nutritional therapist (FNTP), certified functional medicine practitioner (CFMP), and owner of Heidi Toy Functional Medicine. After her own health crisis, she left her career as a senior product manager to gain her functional medicine certification through the Nutritional Therapy Association in 2013 and then went on to be mentored and trained by Dr. Dan Kalish at the Kalish Institute for Functional Medicine and Dr. Kharrazian at the Kharrazian Institute. She’s helped over 1600 people heal from their health concerns and find more energy by bringing the body systems into balance.

You can get her free “Take Back My Energy Quick Guide” or learn more about her practice by visiting her website www.heiditoyfunctionalmedicine.com.

1. Emotional Stress
2. Dietary Stress
3. Hidden Pain/Inflammation

Follow Heidi Toy Functional Medicine on Facebook and Instagram.

Sign up for her Take Back My Energy Workbook at www.heiditoyfunctionalmedicine.com.

I have been doing vision board workshops for so long that it feels like there is.

My next workshop is coming up on Saturday, January 21st and you are ALL invited to join me on Zoom but it's especially valuable for those who find themselves:

• On the precipice of something new. You feel dissatisfied, fed up, annoyed or tired. You yearn for a change but you aren't sure what it is.
• You don't want to be a bystander in your life. You want to intentionally create something new. Maybe it's a deeper connection with your spirit, a new career, a new home environment, a new relationship with your kids, your body, your husband, anyone.
• Changes are happening around you that you aren't happy about. You need a way to navigate through these changes that gives you peace and clarity.

A vision board (DONE RIGHT!)  is your own internal GPS that comes from YOUR higher self, to guide you into your future.

The LEFT way is to think about your future from your left hemisphere of your brain. The left hemisphere is logical, it remembers the past and plans for the future. It's very aware of what I SHOULD want to create.

My LEFT brain looks in the mirror and tells me "I'm looking old and should probably invest in some anti-aging skin care routines."

My LEFT brain is aware of what others are doing and thinks, "I should have a regular fitness routine and stop eating bread and sugar."

My LEFT brain says "A good mom would have a relationship with her kids and husband that looks like _________."

If I was to cut out photos from this left brain, I would have a vision board filled with "shoulds". Imagery that comes from lack, of "I'm not good enough as I am, therefore I will change these things and then I will be better." The left brain can also create vision boards that represent "things I want that I don't currently have". We look at these pictures and we get sad or frustrated at the ABSENCE of them in our lives.

Lack does not put us in an emotional energy state to manifest our desires. It only makes us more aware of what we DON'T already have. When our desires don't manifest, we feel frustrated or like failures. This energy only pushes us FURTHER from what we want.

Creating a vision board from our RIGHT brain connects us with our higher, more intuitive self. We leave behind the judgmental left brain and spend time with our creative right brain. Using emotions, imagery, and intuition, we connect to our higher self who knows what is right for us.

A life coach cannot tell you what is right or wrong for you and your life. Only your higher self knows. So my job is to connect you to your higher self so you know what you really, really want, and then help you overcome the obstacles that your left brain puts in your path.

We will do all of these things in the workshop.

1. Get you clear on what you want. What is your higher self guiding you to next?
2. Identify the obstacles that will get in your way and make a plan to overcome them. get into alignment with your dreams
3. Create small action steps, aligned with your higher self, to build momentum towards creating your best life.

You can go to www.lifecoachingforparents.com/online-vision-board-workshop to sign up. Price goes up after the 16th of January.

When you create from this intuitive, higher RIGHT brain, things feel effortless. This is where weird coincidences come in that you didn't expect. Work feels easy, like the road rises up to greet you. You feel like the Universe has your back and you begin to trust that things aren't happening TO YOU, they are happening FOR YOU.

I hadn't really experienced the magic of vision boards until we bought our lake house in 2020. Before that I was skeptical but optimistic. The way that all went down with so much ease and coincidence, really blew my mind. I could look back and see how I had taken all the steps to make this dream come true, but not from my conscious thinking brain.

At the end of 2022, when I took my vision board out to review, I was blown away. Usually my vision boards have pictures of cute bathrooms, organized bookshelves, backyard patios (I'm an HGTV girl!). My vision board from this time last year had none of this. Every picture was outside, dwellings were very minimal, just a floor and a hammock with a big view of nature. I was curious about this but I didn't know what it meant. (My left brain told me I was probably just craving outside time because it was winter).

But in September of this year, my husband and I decided to sell our primary residence so we can travel and work abroad. Packing up the house we raised our kids in is no easy feat. It took me a long time to make the decision. My parents still live in the house I grew up in so it feels like I'm doing something wrong. My daughter is not happy and does not want us to sell. Every time I have a pleasant conversation with a neighbor I get sad about leaving such a wonderful neighborhood.

However, yesterday morning I got up and the first thing I wanted to do was to find garbage. I was EXCITED to THROW STUFF AWAY! I had arranged an extra pickup with the garbage company and they said I could put out 12 bags and I still had room left. To be full of energy at 7:30 am to collect garbage is NOT MY NORMAL. That's how I know I am aligned with universal energy.

I don't have to muster up the energy to declutter, I WANT to declutter. I still get overwhelmed with the disorganization and the ridiculously long to-do list, but I take breaks and rest my back, and then I'm excited to get back to it.

Last January, I had no idea this is what I'd be doing in 2022. But my higher self was guiding me towards the great outdoors, towards freedom, and towards a wild new adventure.

Who knows which country or beautiful place I'll be coaching my clients from? but I'm excited to do my vision board and find out what is calling me in 2023.

So this Saturday, January 21st, join me for this online vision board retreat. Find a cozy place to snuggle in with magazines, scissors, paper and glue. Tell your family you signed up for an online class and you aren't to be disturbed (or invite your family to join you!). Get the early bird discount by signing up today www.lifecoachingforparents.com/online-vision-board-workshop.

Questions:

I can't come on the 21st but I'm interested. Will there be a recording?

yes, I will send you the recording link and you can do it with your friends, family, or when it's convenient for you.

3 hours seems like a long time, what will we do?

It will go fast! There will be bathroom breaks, quiet time, it will feel like a retreat.

What if I'm in a dark place? 

Give it a try. Nothing can raise a vibration like being around other positive people.

What if I know what I want but I can't have it? 

Go broad. Instead of focusing on specifics, go more general.

Dear Torie,

I should have seen it coming.

The hype and high expectations for Christmas to be “the most wonderful time of the year” seems to cause my child to melt down after all the gifts have been opened.

I’m seeing the pattern now after the last few birthdays and Christmasses. Something minor will trigger her (and it could be ANYTHING!) and she’ll end up in tears.

What really sets me off is that she sounds so ungrateful!

All the time, effort, money and energy that I put into giving her a magical Christmas feels wasted. When she’s crying and yelling about not getting the exact COLOR of the gift she wanted, she sounds so bratty and entitled. I just want to scream right back and not give her anything next year so she can be grateful for what she does get. 

But of course, a year later, I’m back to spoiling her and trying to make her happy.

How can I make my child appreciate what she receives, remember it’s the thought that counts, and focus on the spirit of giving, not the actual gift?

So far, her younger sister does not copy her behavior and I want to figure this out before she does.

What’s the best way to handle this ungrateful behavior and prevent future meltdowns?

Emily

What goes up, must come down.

It is not unusual for the anticipation and excitement of holidays and birthdays to cause a “crash” when things die down.

With all the hype from Christmas movies, Santa stories, and family traditions setting expectations high, it’s only natural for there to be disappointment afterward.

Top 3 reasons why kids melt down after a holiday: 1. The reality doesn’t measure up to their high expectations causing disappointment. 2. There are a lot of emotions around the holidays and crying is a healthy release for them. Crying and yelling have a negative connotation but it’s actually a way to discharge emotional distress and bring kids back to normal. 3. They are out of their routine. Some kids are especially sensitive to disruptions in routine, even for fun and exciting reasons. Traveling, staying up late, having family visit, eating different food, can make kids extra cranky and prone to meltdowns.

The best way to prepare for future meltdowns is to normalize it. How many Christmas movies have you watched where kids are throwing tantrums and crying? Not many. We think this is abnormal and inappropriate behavior, but is it?

Watch and see if your kids look for things to be upset about. Maybe they overreact to a stubbed toe or a sibling slight, just as an excuse to discharge the pent up emotions of the day?

You can also help your kids by maintaining a similar routine during the holidays and preparing them for disappointment.

Having words to put onto overwhelming feelings can really help your kids manage their emotions. Print out a page of emoji’s or ‘feeling faces’ and post it on the fridge. Everyday, identify how you feel: enthusiastic, disappointed, irritable, because when you can name it, you can tame it.

Use emotional times to help expand your kids’ emotional vocabulary.

Our interpretation of their “ungrateful” behavior.

When we view our kids as being “ungrateful” or “entitled” we get enraged. It fires us up and makes us angry. We want to withdraw our kid’s privileges (which may not be a problem) but we also withdraw our kindness and our compassion (which can be a problem).

You can decide to give kids fewer gifts next year from a place of love, not anger. You can teach kids how to appreciate gift giving and receiving with kindness, not frustration.

Viewing our children’s behavior as “ungrateful” is just our perception, and it’s an interpretation that does not help us parent in a way we are proud of.

Instead, think of their behavior as a result of emotional overwhelm. None of us are at our best when we are tired, cranky, and ate too much sugar. Think of all the adults having temper tantrums in airports this holiday season!

When your kid complains about their gifts not being perfect, just remind yourself that it’s not about the gifts. It’s a simple case of what goes up, must come down.

One of the best ways to help them cope with holiday hype, is to get them involved in the process. As you may have noticed, when you are responsible for ‘making magic’, it doesn’t feel so magical, it feels like hard work. Invite your child to get involved in the GIVING to take the focus off receiving. Bake cookies for the neighbors, make an ornament for teacher, move the elf on the shelf for little sister, wrap a present for grandma. She might still meltdown on Christmas but she will understand and appreciate the effort that goes into giving, bringing the holiday, and her expectations, back down to earth.

When we see ourselves as problems to be fixed, and we set New Year’s Resolutions from that mindset, we set ourselves up for failure.

We love the perfectionistic fantasy that 2023 will turn us into a completely different person. It gives us a little dopamine high to imagine we can leave all our imperfections behind in 2022 and suddenly become a disciplined, energetic, patient, plant-based, exercise-loving, self-prioritizing enthusiast.

As fun as this fantasy is, it is today’s kryptonite because three weeks from now, when you are back to your old self, you’ve piled another “failure” onto your psyche.

DO NOT MAKE NEW YEAR’S RESOLUTIONS FROM NOT ENOUGHNESS.

You are not a problem to be fixed. You are a wonderful, amazing person who loves to grow and expand in beautiful new directions!

Before you make any resolutions, look back at 2022 and write down 20 things that are wonderful about you. What did you love the most Where did you feel most alive? What are you most proud of? What did you work hardest to achieve? Which experiences did you create for your family that went really well? Are there routines and traditions did you maintain? Where did you break from expectations that worked for you? Who is someone that really valued your presence in their life? Who were you really grateful to have with you last year?

DO NOT SET A GOAL UNTIL YOU ARE MARINATING IN YOUR OWN AWESOMESAUCE.

Choose which area to expand from believing you are already good enough as you are. 

Many Supermoms think energy is static. Either you are a high energy person, or a low energy person. You have it in the morning and it’s drained by evening.

But energy is something you can CREATE. If you feel low on energy, and want more, you can GENERATE more energy!

One of the best ways I’ve found to generate energy is by creating a vision board. This isn’t just a visual representation of your goals. There is a certain technique I’ve perfected over the years that cuts through the mental clutter and connects us with our higher self.

We are socialized to think we should all want the same things: Skinny, fit bodies. Lots of money. Nicely organized houses. Enriching activities for the kids. Relaxing vacations.

Our culture tells us what we should want, but it’s our HIGHER SELF that knows what is really right for us. Learning how to listen to this still small voice is the key to creating a truly enriching and meaningful life.

The first hour we’ll talk about how to tell the difference between the socialized brain telling you what you “should” want, and the intuitive brain, guiding you in a direction right for YOU.

The second hour, we’ll be looking through magazine photos, listening to our higher selves, and creating a physical vision for what we want in 2023.

The third hour, we’ll use the messages from our higher self to set specific goals. How do we take our knowledge and vision, overcome our fears, to bring in “MORE OF ME IN 2023”.

Go to www.LifeCoachingforParents.com/vision-board

[maxbutton id="4" url="https://lifecoachingforparents.com/vision-board" text="LEARN MORE ABOUT THIS MONTH'S VISION BOARD WORKSHOP " ]

[caption id="attachment_7109" align="aligncenter" width="596"] Homesick College Freshman[/caption]

You sound like a very loving and caring momma which is exactly what your son needs at this stage of life. The good news is, you don’t really need to choose one or the other. You can encourage him to stick it out, AND let him know he can come back if he chooses to. The best thing you can do is listen and be a sounding board for him as he works through this challenging time. 

Going away to college is a HUGE transition in a person’s life. The independence, the lack of structure, the new people, the way one eats, sharing a room with strangers, it’s OVERWHELMING!  Teens are usually coming from a very busy, jam packed high school schedule, where they have very little say. Then suddenly their schedule has a lot of down time and no one is going to fill it for them. 

We all go through big transitions in our lives but going from a kid to an adult, living on a college campus with all these changes to navigate, is one of the top 5 big ones. 

Think back into your child’s past. How have they handled transitions when they were younger? Did they embrace novelty? Did they resist until it happened and then settled in? When they’ve traveled or went to sleepaway camp, did they have a tough time adjusting to a new routine? Or did they come home because they couldn’t adjust? 

My daughter was a nightmare when we took her to Australia as a toddler. She hated everything being new and different, complained everyday until we were flying back home when she sweetly commented, “That was fun, when are we going back?” 

Your child has a history of how he handled previous transitions. Look for a pattern and share it with him. Maybe he can pull from past experiences to gain wisdom for handling today’s challenge. 

Think of your child as a caterpillar. As he goes through school, he grows bigger and bigger, until you’ve got an 18 year old fully grown caterpillar. 

Then college comes. Most kids don’t immediately grow wings and become a butterfly in the first week. Usually they go through this weird phase of “Who am I now?” I’m still the same person but I live in a different place with different people. I have more responsibilities and more independence but I don’t feel like I’ve got my act together. It’s this uncomfortable phase of not being a caterpillar, but also not being a butterfly. This liminal phase of life feels really awkward so it’s really common for kids to want to bail and come back home to where they were last comfortable. 

The kids who get through the liminal phase the fastest are the ones who are socially outgoing, feel confident joining groups and meeting strangers. But this requires tremendous courage when it’s not in your nature. It’s hard to be brave and socially confident when you feel like a fish out of water. 

Most college freshman say something like this:

“I’m pretty sure everyone else is doing it right and I am doing it wrong.” 

“Everyone else is going to parties but no one is inviting me.” 

“Everyone else is making connections and having fun so there must be something wrong with me.” 

It reminds me of a statistic from researcher Dr. Joanne Deak who found that 86% of all middle schoolers feel socially on the outside. If the majority of people are on the out, who’s in? That’s a pretty big group of social misfits. And of course seeing Instagram photos of people having fun makes it easy to believe you are alone in your aloneness. 

The key is to let your son know that feeling awkward MEANS he’s doing it right. It’s ok to not know, to feel lost, scared, overwhelmed and confused. He’s not a caterpillar, and he’s not a butterfly yet either. He’s just goo, looking for a chrysalis to help him feel safe.

It is normal to want to go back to the last place he felt grounded and comfortable. But moving home is still going to feel awkward. His high school friends will have moved on. He won’t have the same routine he had. Things have changed. The forming butterfly can’t go back to being a caterpillar. 

Part of becoming that butterfly is learning to make big decisions about your life. Parents can listen, encourage, and be supportive to whatever he decides is right for him. There are many paths to success and there is no one right way to maneuver through this stage of life. Some kids need to spend a little longer in the chrysalis before they are ready to break free. 

We think we know what’s best for our kids….and a lot of the time we are right. 

BUT 

Our kids aren’t supposed to go through life without hiccups, detours and rocky roads!  They NEED to make mistakes so they can learn from first hand experience. 

When a butterfly is fully formed it starts pushing and struggling to break free from the chrysalis. If a human comes along to try and help the butterfly break free, the butterfly dies. The struggle is key to the butterfly’s success. It’s through the pushing and the effort that the butterfly develops the strength it needs to fly. 

When we try to “rescue” our kids from struggle or arrange their lives so they only experience positive emotions, we rob them of developing the strength and grit they need to overcome future challenges. 

What gets in our way from supportive listening? Difficulty watching our children struggle.

There are 2 ways we TRY to help that don’t usually work:

1. We feel bad for them and with them. This can make them feel better but it makes us feel worse! We hang up the phone agonizing about how miserable our child is, suffering until we talk to them again, only to discover they felt fine the whole time. 
2. We tell them what to do to feel better. This makes us feel better because we think we have the solution to their problem, but it makes them feel worse because this is THEIR problem to solve and their struggle is serving a purpose. When we tell them what to do, they feel less capable and don’t learn the lesson that the struggle is their to teach. 

Watching a child struggle, without the parent struggling alongside, is something I work on a lot with my clients (and myself!) but it is possible. It’s reminding yourself that this is THEIR journey and they are learning things through this experience that you could never teach them.

It’s showing your child that you have faith in THEIR ability to solve their own problems.

You will offer your opinion if it’s asked, but trust them to figure things out in a way that is right for them. 

When everyone around us is rushing, it feels like rushing is the thing to do. Our friend talks fast, we talk fast back. We multitask: we schedule appointments at red lights, we shop online while waiting for our kid’s music recital to begin, we eat in the car, we talk while we walk, we are a culture that worships being busy. It feels normal because everyone around us is doing it but it drains our energy. 

Sure we get a surge of adrenaline from moving fast and being busy, but it’s like too much caffeine, eventually burn out, hit a wall, and crash. 

If you move through your day like a chicken with it’s head cut off, find some other animals whose energy you would like to channel. 

Make time to be more like a fish, swimming from thing to thing with graceful ease. 

Try being an owl, observing your life from above, making wise choices and being deliberate with your intention.

When can you turn on sloth mode and move slowly? Try talking slower, moving your body slower, breathing slower, you will be amazed at how relaxed you feel. 

I was talking with a client and she said “I wish moms had a class dojo app like my kids do where we get points just for showing up, being on time, and getting our work done.” and it reminded me, I HAVE THAT!  It’s called The Holiday Crazies Supermom Challenge. It’s just for this time of year. You earn points for doing all the extra things that show up every December, but you earn EVEN MORE points when you DON’T do all the things! 

If you muster up the energy and creativity to do Elf on The Shelf, you get 20 points. When you bail on the Elf after 2 days, you get 50 points! Give a gift to a teacher, 10 points for you! If you bought a gift for yourself, go ahead and take 50 points! 

[caption id="attachment_13838" align="aligncenter" width="737"] Homesick College Freshman[/caption]

Don’t wait for your family to show appreciation for your hard work, appreciate yourself now by joining the Holiday Crazies Supermom Challenge inside the Supermom is Getting Tired Facebook Group. 

You deserve some credit for all you do to make this time of year special. 

With the frenzie of Black Friday shopping behind us, but more consuming ahead of us, now is the perfect time to hear from Krista Lockwood. Krista is a mom of 5 who teaches other moms how to de-clutter without becoming a full blown minimalist.

Krista stumbled accidentally into living a life without clutter when she moved from Alaska to Florida with her four children. While living in a nearly empty home, she noticed how much more energy and free time she had, without all the stuff.

Instead of always feeling like she needed to escape her busy working mom life, suddenly she felt relaxed. She felt less stimulated and more able enjoy quality time with her kids. She learned to set clear boundaries with bringing new stuff into her home, which helped her set boundaries in other areas as well. The less STUFF she had, the fewer decisions there were to make. Cleaning up became a breeze.

Krista had more time to spend on quality experiences with herself, her husband and her children. She made it her mission to help other moms discover the benefits that de-cluttering and simplifying can give.

This was an inspiring conversation that I'm sure you will enjoy as much as I did.

You can use this link to join Krista's Motherhood Simplified Facebook Group

https://motherhoodsimplified.com/cyc-feature - a free decluttering tool kit

https://www.facebook.com/groups/2010014145929427

https://instagram.com/motherhood_simplified

Are the feasts and festivities of the holiday season guaranteed to drive you bonkers?

When your to-do list triples this time of year, does your stress level triple along with it?

Don't let the holiday hassles weigh you down. Listen to this fantastic episode to learn how to tame the holiday crazies, before they begin.

Listen in as recovering "holiday stress monsters" Torie and LeAnn discuss the recipe for overwhelming holidays and how to tame thee brain to ENJOY this time of year.

If you expect your feelings of exhaustion, overwhelm and resentment to creep even higher in the next 7 weeks, then this podcast is for you.

Life Coach LeAnn Kovar will talk about a special mini-program she is offering for moms bracing themselves for the winter wackyness.

You can learn more about Holidays On Your Terms at LeAnnKovar.com 

Dear Torie,

I understand it’s normal for teenagers to think they know everything and that their parents are old fashioned and out of touch with reality, but living with constant criticism is something I didn’t sign up for.No matter what I do, my teenager has something negative to say about it. If I use the wrong pronoun for his friend, I’m lectured about how he is a THEY. I get scolded if I make hamburgers for dinner because cows are the second biggest producers of carbon emissions. It’s not like I’m condemning his values, I’m doing my best to be open minded and stay up to speed with social changes, but I can’t buy a new pair of jeans without being reminded about the devastating effects fast fashion is having on the planet.

Do you have any suggestions for surviving the next few years with a "woke" kid who makes me feel like everything I do is wrong? I have tried to explain that criticizing is not the way to effect change but it seems to fall on deaf ears.

Julie

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Dear Torie,

My daughter is a delightful human, as far as teenagers go, but she is constantly scrutinizing, and criticizing, my appearance. She complains about my clothing choices, my lack of makeup, and my wrinkles. She wants me to style my long hair with a middle part like hers, and carry a fanny pack diagonally across my body like she does.

Part of me thinks it’s sweet that she wants me to be on trend like she is, but the other part of me gets annoyed with the constant criticism of how I look. Why can’t she just appreciate me as I am?

Genevieve

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Julie can offer her son some alternative comments like:

“May I offer you a greener alternative to buying your jeans at Old Navy?” “My friend, Jordan, identifies as they/them.” “Would you like to go thrifting with me this weekend?” “Would you be willing to extend ‘meatless mondays’ to three days per week if I cook?”

Write these prompts on cards so he has them on hand. Right now, his way of influencing others makes people defensive. When he learns how to voice his values through polite questions and corrections, he has a better likelihood of impacting the social changes he would like to see in the world.

Your son is focused on all that you aren’t doing perfectly. What if you taught him to focus on the positive changes he sees you making. Have him brag about things he is doing that he is proud of. Whenever he points out your flaws, ask him about a positive change he has made lately. Tell him how much it inspires you when he eats vegan or shops at GoodWill. Point out all the ways his positive role modeling impacts others. Soon he will see that the best way to influence people is to be happy about the positive choices you are making.

For Genevieve’s daughter, she can offer alternatives like:

“Would you like me to try out some new makeup on you, Mom?” “I think your hair looks cute with a middle part.” “How about you put these boots on with that outfit?” “Do you want to look cool by wearing this backpack instead of your old purse?”

When my kids were little, I couldn’t stand to see them with smudges on their faces. It was like this impulse came over me to wipe off the food or buggers or gunk and restore them to their beautiful selves. (I TRIED not to be the mom that licked her finger before cleaning off their face but I did it a couple of times at least).

I realized how much I enjoyed seeing my kids look beautifully put together. If their hair was wonky, it was a distraction. I would reach out to smooth it down. I found it hard to concentrate on what they were saying to me because I was focused on what I wanted to fix. I didn’t want to be like this, so I worked to override that critical brain, but I also started putting in more effort to my appearance when I visited my parents, just in case they felt the same way.

If your daughter is stuck in critically analyzing your appearance, ask her to give two compliments for every modification. Ask her to focus on what’s great about your personality, your ideas, your actions, to get her brain unstuck from what you look like. You can also ask her what her favorite outfit is or what makeup/hairstyle she’s been enjoying lately.

Fear and love exist in two different parts of the brain. You can teach your kids to shift out of their critical brain when you ask them to focus on what they love.

When someone is constantly criticizing others for not “being or doing enough”, it is a sign that they have the same voice for themselves. When we criticize, we are in the fearful part of our brain.

I’m going to guess that Julie’s son is worried that he isn’t doing enough for the planet and he wants mom to do better, so he can feel better.

My hunch is that Genevieve’s daughter is worried about her own appearance, sees her mom as a reflection of her, and therefore wants to “fix” her mom so she can feel safe and relaxed.

It’s the same things parents do to their kids. We want our teens to do well in school so we can feel like successful parents. We ask our kids to be kind hearted and respectful of others, so we feel like we’ve done a good job raising them. We try to change our external world, so we can feel better on the inside.

We see our kids as a reflection of us, and it sounds like these teens see you as a reflection of them. But before we re-direct, we gotta connect.

We WANT to love our kids and ENJOY being around them, but it’s hard when they criticize our every move! Our brains naturally mirror the emotions of the people around us. When we see someone sad, we feel sad. When someone is relaxed and at peace, it’s easier for us to drop into a peaceful state.

When your child is critical, it’s really easy for parents to feel inadequate and criticize back. A natural response is to “criticize them for criticizing” but it doesn’t help us feel loving towards our kids.

I believe the first step in living with constant criticism is to find compassion and gratitude.

It sounds like Julie’s son is struggling with the daunting task of saving the planet. He has high empathy and high awareness. He knows what changes need to happen in a short period of time in order to prevent the mass extinction of the human race, but understands how limited his power is. This is a scary and powerless situation to be in so he’s trying to have an impact in the one area where he feels safe to express himself, at home with mom. Perhaps criticizing mom is helping him build the strength and courage he needs to spread his important message to others? When he criticizes you, and you still love him, it gives him confidence to speak his values to others, hoping to still be accepted and loved.

It could be that Genevieve’s daughter has picked up on the cultural messaging that how one looks really matters and is scared that she isn’t up to snuff. Our youth and beauty obsessed culture is a hard one to ignore and has done a lot of damage. But it’s also possible that your daughter’s passion and purpose is to beautify and prettify. People who have an eye for color, design, style and form are valuable. You can show your daughter that happiness and beauty do not go together. When she sees you happy and comfortable in your skin, no matter what you look like, you are helping her see that one can exist without the other. Redirect her desires to prettify by asking her help with home design, cake decorating, or holiday decor. Remind her that there are people out there who WANT her fashion and beauty advice and are willing to pay for it.

Even though you aren’t enjoying the way the message is being communicated, you can be grateful that your teens are open hearted and wanting their moms to learn about what is important to them, and the next generation. These teens don't want you to leave you in the dust like an out of touch, “Karen”.

Finding ways to think about your teen’s criticism that helps you feel compassionate and grateful, will help you TEACH him better ways to get his point across.

Nobody likes being told what to do. It’s an ineffective way to get someone to change behavior yet we do it all the time: “Eat your vegetables, clean your room, put away the ipad, take out the garbage.”

But one of our main jobs as parents is to get our kids to do stuff they don’t want to do! What is a helpful way to influence our children’s behavior?

Social researchers were trying to figure out how to get picky eaters to try new foods. They found some things like expose them to the new food 15 times and have them help prepare the food that’s being served. The #1 most successful way to get picky kids (older than 5 years of age) to try new foods is to sit them next to a teenager who is happily eating this new food while ignoring the kid. When the same gender teenager happily devoured broccoli, while sitting next to the young kid and being watched, that child suddenly felt an innate desire to try broccoli for the first time.

Watching people happily enjoying something that you haven’t seen before is a powerful way to motivate people to try something new. Julie can use this research to convince her son that positive role modeling is a powerful way to influence others.

If you want your teen to positively express their values is a way that isn’t annoying, you can model that. Even with teenagers, imitation is the number one way children learn.

I’ve picked up this new hobby, de-cluttering, and it has made me aware of how much easier it is to buy than give things away. Material goods are so cheap and easy to access, very few people are interested in taking on my clutter. I hate throwing things in landfills that could be repurposed but I’m not crafty enough to repurpose things myself.

This is why I was so pleased to find a trophy recycling service! Total Awards and Promotions in Wisconsin will repurpose your old trophies and donate rebuilt trophies to non-profits nationwide.

If your house is like mine and filled with old trophies that the kids don’t want anymore, you can ship up to 25 of them to Total Awards instead of cluttering the planet with them. I don’t mind contributing to an organization trying to do good for planet as well as donating awards to non-profits!

If you know other places that reuse and repurpose, please share that information in the Supermom is Getting Tired Facebook Group. Next up is my wedding gown and some barely worn track cleats and snow shoes.

"The chief symptom of adolescence is a state of expectation, a tendency towards creative work, and a need for the strengthening of self-confidence. Suddenly, the child becomes very sensitive to the rudeness and humiliations which he had previously suffered with patient indifference."

Maria Montessori

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How can I increase my tolerance of my rambunctious boys and remain calm more of the time?

I have 3 high energy, loud, boisterous boys who are 3, 9 and 12. I have daily routines, a few clear rules and lots of sports and outdoor time for all of them. But their day to day antics drive me crazy. I can stay calm about 25% of the time, but after that I lose my cool and shout. I’m talking minor things like making constant noises with their mouths, talking loudly constantly, banging on things, burping, bickering constantly etc. I can handle a little bit of this behaviour but nowhere near what they put out. I wish for peace and quiet. I feel so guilty that I’m not role modeling emotional regulation because I lose my cool so often.

I should add that I have an 8yr old step son thrown into the mix every second week. My partner works away. But every second week that he’s home I have him and my step son to deal with also. Including my partner (haha) that makes for 5 boys to wrangle!

Please help!

Renee

When we feel overwhelmed, it’s really easy to want to run away and hide from the chaos, but it will run you ragged. When a parent avoids leadership energy, the kids can increase their antics. Kids need to know they aren’t the strongest person in the room so sometimes they will ramp up their crazy in order to get an adult to step in with authority. 

This leadership energy comes from our posture, voice tone, eye contact, words and belief system. Rules, discipline and consequences will fall short if you don’t embody this leadership energy. 

Because you mentioned the things that bother you most are noises, my suggestion is to implement a traffic light system in your house to teach your kids to regulate their chaos. 

Red means near silence. This is used for bedtime, moments of reverence like saying grace before dinner, watching a movie or someone is on an important call and needs quiet.

Yellow means quiet talking. This can be used for homework time, winding down at the end of the day, visiting with Grandma and Grandpa, dinner time, etc. 

Green means be your wild and crazy selves. Burp, fart, talk loudly, whatever you want. Giving your boys permission to be wild lets them know there is nothing wrong with being boys, you just don’t want to be around for it. Go walk the dog or put your noise canceling headset on, until it’s time to go back to yellow or red. 

The way we teach kids to regulate is with contrast. When a 4 year old wants to run into the street and not wait for mom to catch up, we play “Red Light, Yellow Light, Green Light.” Instead of making them follow our rules, we turn it into a fun game that they enjoy. 

You will see “Freeze Dance” happening inside quality pre-school programs. Teaching kids how to go wild, loud and crazy, and then stop. It seems like just a fun game but it’s teaching kids to regulate their bodies and voices. 

There is a time to be quiet, a time to be goofy, a time to be serious, a time to wild. You get to decide what works for you inside your home. 

When we were kids, we played “House of Manners - House of Mess”. In “House of Manners” everyone spoke with a British accent and dabbed the corners of our mouths delicately with our neatly folded napkins. We used our fork and knife to cut our food into the tiniest portion and used the nicest words we could think of. Then someone would call out “House of Mess” and we’d start talking with our mouths full, blowing bubbles in our milk, eating with our hands. You can guess which one we enjoyed more! 

The contrast is what teaches us what is polite and what isn’t. We waited until there were no adults around to play House of Mess because they ruined the fun of it. 

You absolutely can teach your kids how to act inside your home, even if it’s innocent things like noise making and bickering. Just like they need to tone that down in a church, library or a place of business, they can learn to tone it down when mom is around. Many kids start experimenting with swearing, but they clean up their act when home with mom. 

1. Feeling overwhelmed. “I don’t want to deal with this” or “I don’t know what to do.”
2. Setting rules without calm, leadership energy.
3. Feeling disrespected. "They are disrespecting me."
4. Feeling powerless. “Nothing I say matters” “They won’t listen to me” “I have no control”.

Let’s work our way backwards.

You want your house to have more peace and calm.

You decide that teaching your boys to adjust their volume when mom is around is a good plan. You implement a Red/Yellow/Green system to let the boys know what is expected of them. You make it playful and fun, but also serious, like you mean business. You provide reminders and consequences when they don’t respect your rules. 

What emotion would you need to be in order to implement and follow through with this new system?  Confident? Powerful? Determined? 

Feeling powerless is not going to get you the results you want. You’ve got to find a thought that gives you a feeling of confidence, powerful, or determined. 

Don’t lie to yourself. Don’t say “I’ve got this” if 90% of your brain is remembering all the times in the past when it didn’t work. But you can think something like...

“It’s ok to ask for what I want.” or

“I can teach my family how to treat me.” or

“This is an important skill I’m teaching my boys.” or

“I am up to the task.” 

Even if you are noise sensitive, there are still thoughts about the noise that can make it easier or harder for you to deal with it. Choose the thought that will give you the result you want. 

This seems like such an innocent thought. Of course you don’t want to deal with bickering children, who does? But when we think it, and we are standing in the room listening to it, it keeps us stuck.

If you have the thought, “I don’t want to deal” and you walk away, you are free.

If you are there, listening to the bickering, and thinking “I don’t want to deal” it’s like a bear trap just closed around your ankles. You want to leave but you don’t. You are stuck, imprisoned by your own psyche.

This feels terrible to our spirit. We are meant to be free. “I don’t want to deal” while staying put causes you unnecessary suffering.

Instead, put your brain and body in the same place. If you are in the room, be there fully. Tell yourself you DO want to deal with this issue because if you didn’t you would walk away. 

I don’t know if you will love this as much as I did, but I just figured out how to delete itunes subscriptions on my iphone. It was such a quick and easy way to clean out clutter, save money, and simplify my life. 

Turns out I was paying a monthly and annual subscription fee for apps I didn’t remember purchasing. With one touch of a button, I deleted them and it gave me such a boost of energy I had to share it.

You just go to settings, click on your name at the top, click on the word subscriptions. See what you’ve got and delete the ones you don’t want! 

Compared to canceling a gym subscription, or any other online subscription where they offer you discounts and you have to jump through hoops and many pleas to stay, this was so easy it made it fun!

Try canceling your subscriptions and see if it gives you as much simple pleasure as it gave me! 

“Having children is like living in a frat house. Nobody sleeps, everything is broken and there is a lot of throwing up.” Ray Romano

If any of these sound like you, you are officially a Supermom, and you are probably getting pretty tired of burning the candle at both ends.

When moms spend a lot of time running from thing to thing, keeping busy, their nervous systems go into overdrive.  If your nervous system spends too much time in fight or flight, you can develop stress related conditions: Auto-immune problems, skin rashes, vulvodoynia, Irritable Bowel Syndrome and other digestive issues, back pain, TMJ, headaches.

Today I'm interviewing Betsy Jensen.

Betsy is a life coach helping people heal from chronic pain through nervous system regulation, and the latest neruroscience. As a former Physical Therapist, she has been working with people in pain for decades, but her own health struggles brought her to the mind-body approach. Now through coaching, she is helping people eliminate their chronic pain, instead of just managing it.

Her website is www.bodyandmindlifecoach.com  and her podcast is Unstoppable Body and Mind 

For clients she offers the Alignment Academy Membership Program https://betsy-jensen.mykajabi.com/alignment-academy-membership

Instagram https://www.instagram.com/bodyandmindlifecoach/

In the interview, we mention books by Dr. John E. Sarno, Dr. Joe Dispenza, Dr. Alan Gordon,  and the Law of Attraction (for which there are many books but I'm referencing Abraham Hicks)

https://www.amazon.com/Way-Out-Revolutionary-Scientifically-Approach/dp/0593086856/ref=sr_1_1?keywords=alan+gordon&qid=1663217209&sr=8-1

Betsy and I will walk you through different ways to calm down the Central Nervous System so that you can start feeling better today.

Are you tired but wired? Do you want to play with your kids but struggle to do so? Is it hard to wind down at night without your glass of wine? Then this challenge is for you!

Mark your calendars for Sep. 26-30th. It's time to PRIORITIZE RELAXATION before it turns into chronic pain and stress induced illnesses.

This is too important to miss.  Your to-do list can wait. This challenge will only take you 10 minutes a day.

Feel relaxed. Sleep better. Play and have fun with your kids. Enjoy more.

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Episode #133  Embarrassed by my children’s appearance

Question of the Day: 

I’m glad this post is anonymous because I’m embarrassed to admit this but I want to get it off my chest and I think you will help me. 

I’m embarrassed by my children. I look at moms posting photos on IG of their cute “mini-me” and mother-daughter BFF’s and I get jealous. 

I have a 13 and 15 year old who I love to pieces but I’m having a hard time feeling at peace with their choices. I take pride in my appearance and think how we present ourselves goes a long way towards our success in life. When I was their age, I worked hard to fit in, to look nice and be accepted by my peers. I mean, research shows that good looking people are more likely to get hired, make money, and be promoted. Why wouldn’t someone want to look as good as possible? 

My girls are beautiful, inside and out, but they don’t care about showing it. One identifies as non-binary and is experimenting with weird hair colors, piercings, and funky, gender neutral clothing. The other looks like she just rolled out of bed. She only wears oversized sweatpants and t-shirts, preferably used from thrift stores. Neither wears makeup, jewelry, or uses a curling iron. 

I was looking forward to the day I would take my girls to get makeovers or go shopping for cute clothes. I WANT to love them unconditionally but my judgment of their appearance and disappointment in their priorities is blocking me. How do I love them unconditionally when they don’t value the same things I value? How do I support them and feel proud of them, when I’m stuck in disappointment and embarrassment?

Anonymous

From one mom to another I'm out of answers. My 7-year-old was easy - but my 4-year-old son.... no! He's talking less this year than last year. He ignores me, the dog and his older sister and would prefer to flick the lights on and off and use his I pad. He is intrigued by dinosaurs and whales. I watch him in his room twirling in a circle for no reason. He's very stubborn and if I need to break his activity to do something else he becomes so angry it frightens me. It's hard to find a babysitter (I do work). HELP.

Teddie

When I received this question, I immediately emailed Teddie to lend support. I wanted to let her know she wasn't alone and there are people out there who could help her.

Here is my response:

Thanks so much for reaching out. I think this will be a great question to answer on my podcast but I would love to find an expert to bring in for an interview so it may take me a while.

I want to offer you this link to schedule a free coaching call. It's a chance for you to talk about your struggles to an unbiased, compassionate mom.

For today's life coaching answer, I brought in an expert who has a different opinion than mine. She doesn't believe in going through evaluations and diagnoses. Marci Melzer is a speech therapist with a youtube channel called Waves of Communication teaching parents how to connect with their late talking child and build their language naturally, at home. She believes the parent/child connection will increase vocabulary and communication faster than schools and therapy.

More than one in 8 children is late to develop functional speech. After 30 years working in the speech therapy system, Marci Melzer, M.Ed./SLP realized that parents are in the best position to facilitate functional improvement in spoken language.

In 2017, Marci created her Waves of Communication.com platform to equip and empower parents and caregivers to facilitate spoken language naturally, with children of all ages, no matter what is causing the speech delay.

Since she started WOC, Marci has produced more than 500 videos on YouTube, created a range of online coaching programs, and authored 2 books, including a workbook that has been translated into Spanish and Hindi. Marci hosts live coaching and Q&A sessions every Thursday on the Waves of Communication YouTube channel to help parents ride the ups and downs of their lifelong language facilitation journey.

Episode #131  How do you know you are doing enough as a mom? 

I am overall very satisfied and fulfilled with my life but I wish I could be more patient and kind. I’ve had a lot of family time this summer, much of it wonderful, but I find myself getting snappy and irritable with the kids.

I want to be grateful for what I have but instead I get obsessive about getting the kids to act the way I want: use nice words, clean up after themselves, play outside instead of screens, eat healthy foods. I just want to know that I’m doing the right things for my kids. 

It feels like I can’t rest until all my work is done. How do you know if you are doing enough as a mom when there is still work to be done? 

Heidi

Parent Educator Answer: How do you know if you are doing enough as a mom?

1. Are you taking responsibility for your own mental, emotional, physical, and financial health? Think about someone you know with a mom who doesn’t take good care of themselves. Notice what a burden it is on that child. The best thing you can do as a mom is to take excellent care of yourself so your child can be a child and not have to carry this additional burden of becoming an adult at a young age.

When kids take on adult responsibilities at a young age, they get rewarded by our culture. We see how capable they are and admire their successes. The problem is they develop a fear of relaxing and it is difficult to trust others to take care of them. Focusing on our own health allows your kid to be a kid.

1. Are you still around? If you haven’t walked out the door never to return, then you are doing enough. Staying in the game, figuring things out, taking breaks and coming back shows your kids that you love and care for them. Never underestimate the power of BEING THERE. Ask anyone who was abandoned by their mom. Just you being there and doing an imperfect, lackluster job of mothering can show your children a realistic view of the role and help them decide who they want to be as a parent someday.

Julie’s mom abandoned her and her 2 siblings at a train station. Her mental health was teetering on the edge so she walked away and never came back. This creates a huge void in a child’s life with a lot of unanswered questions. It also made her determined to never do the same to her kids so when life got hard, she thought there were only 2 options: leave or stay. If she admitted she was tired and needed a break, it felt like abandonment. Her thinking was black and white, love or abandonment. Together we developed her ability to admit life was hard and it was ok to take breaks from the 24/7 demands of parenting. 

1. Are you trying your best? There’s a saying in Parent Education that those who take parenting classes and work with parent coaches, aren’t the ones who need to. Just by you TRYING: learning, growing, and seeking out additional resources demonstrates EFFORT. This is what we call a growth mindset and it is a wonderful thing to model for your children. 

I remember teaching my girl scout troop to jump rope, not individually, but the big one where you run in, jump, turn around, and run out, while one person stands on each end turning the rope. Reece was cued up, ready for her turn to run into the ropes. She was watching the rhythm, gearing up her body to sync with the timing, she looked nervous and it was taking her a long time to go for it. Her mom was there watching her daughter’s hesitation and thought she would help by running into the ropes and showing her how to do it. “Look, Reece, it’s easy, just do it like this.” Reece’s mom did a seamless job of running in, jumping a few times and running out saying, “Now it’s your turn”. After watching this demonstration, Reece walked away and sat down, refusing to try for the rest of the day. 

Perfect parenting is not the goal. When we do everything easily and beautifully, our kids develop a fixed mindset. “Mom’s good, I’m not.” “I’ll never be good at it so why try.” 

Just by you staying in the game, trying your best, and taking care of YOURSELF as well as your kids, you are modeling imperfect, super adequate, good enough parenting. 

Life Coaching Answer: What gets in our way from believing we are doing enough as a mom? 

Here in the U.S. we live in a “blame the mom” culture. 

Kid throwing a tantrum? Blame the mom. 

Kid not doing his homework? Blame mom. 

Overweight kid? Blame mom

Middle schooler with anxiety? Blame mom. 

It is overwhelming and it seems like the only way to be a “good enough” mom is to have kids who act perfectly.

So we focus on getting them to act the way we want so we can feel confident in our parenting. 

If they eat their vegetables and clear their plate, we feel calm and reassured that we are doing the right things. 

When they play nicely with their siblings, we praise ourselves for raising such great kids. 

Instead of focusing on our thoughts inside our heads, we focus on improving their behavior, believing that’s the only way to think nice thoughts about the job we are doing. 

This is taking our ego and putting it into the hands of our children. Since children are still LEARNING, they are bound to make many mistakes. Putting our ability to feel like a good mom into the hands of our children is a surefire way to feel inadequate and powerless. 

It’s time we stop looking at our children’s behavior to determine whether we are good parents. 

Can you think of someone who turned out to be a functioning member of society, accomplished and kind, but whose parents were a hot mess? I can think of MANY people who did an amazing job of overcoming their upbringing to create a brilliant life for themselves. 

Can you think of someone who you look at and think, “She is a really good mom, but their kid is kind of a hot mess?” It could be someone you know, someone you read about, or someone famous. It is absolutely possible to admire the way someone parents their kid, while also seeing a struggling child having a difficult time with life. 

I remember one time I was

sitting at the dinner table waiting for my 14 year old son to join me for dinner. I had picked up prime rib from our favorite steakhouse since it was just the two of us. The rest of the family doesn’t eat red meat so it’s a treat.I’m waiting for my teenage dining companion to finish up his video game and join me.

and I’m waiting….

and I’m waiting….

We have an agreement with the video games. He plays with his friends online and it messes up their scores if he doesn’t complete the game. 

I could care less about this, but I understand he doesn’t want to upset his friends. We’ve agreed that if I let him finish his games, he will come down before starting any new ones, check in with me, and hand in all technology by 9:00pm. This agreement evolved after lots of frustration and a few blow-ups on my part. Tonight, as I sit by myself watching this beautiful prime rib dinner get cold, my doubts creep in like a familiar shadow whispering, “You're not doing a good enough job as a Mom.”

As much self-coaching as I have done, this “not doing enough” voice has been a tough one to shake. The old me would have exploded in a rage-filled fit so that my son would feel as awful as I do. You see, I like to be right, so if I think I’m not a good enough Mom, I act like it. 

For some funny reason, he has asked me to find a different way of coping with my frustrations and I have obliged. So instead, I sit there thinking, “How do I know if I’m a good mom?” 

I think it is disrespectful to keep someone waiting and let the food get cold. It feels like my son is putting video games before his mother, who is just trying to feed him. These thoughts make me feel resentful, righteous, powerless. I don’t like feeling like a victim, so I explore other thoughts to interpret this situation. 

If his food is cold, he’s the only one who suffers, letting him suffer natural consequences sounds like good parenting. It’s not like I’m missing out on inspiring dinner conversation, he’s a mumbling teenage boy who talks with his mouth full and wolfs dinner down in 5 minutes. This feels better, but it’s still not getting to the core issue.

What’s really bothering me is that I don’t know what a good mom would do. I can’t think of anything I want more in my life than to be a good mom, so it drives me crazy when I don’t have an answer. The reason I can’t find a good answer is because “How do I know if I’m good enough?” is not a good question. 

There is no final parenting destination, no parenting report card, no judgmental “mother in the sky.” The good parenting/bad parenting dichotomy doesn’t exist. It’s a construct of a perfectionistic mind (probably implanted by advertising companies that tap into our insecurities so we’ll buy their products to feel like good enough moms).

So as I sit there, enjoying my delicious dinner, by myself, I choose to find something else to focus on. Instead of asking, “Am I good enough” I focus on Love. 

I love that I have a great relationship with my teenage son. 

I love that we can resolve conflicts with compromise and peace. 

I love that I feed my son delicious food. 

I love that I care so much about being a good Mom. 

I love that he can connect with his friends without me having to drive him anywhere. 

I love that he has people who share his love of games. 

I love that I can enjoy this dinner with or without him.

I finished my dinner and left his full and beautiful plate on the table, letting it be his problem if it gets cold.  

Ten minutes later I threw a screaming, crying fit. Not because my son never came down to eat. Not because I’m not a good enough Mom. But because my tiny 10 lb. dog climbed on top of the table and ate his entire 12oz prime rib.

I felt so much better after crying, screaming, and getting mad at the dog. Maybe it’s easier to let in the love after we’ve gotten rid of the yuck. 

I love that I’m not the only one who gets exhausted trying to do everything right and good. I love that my son got to experience natural consequences without experiencing my inner turmoil. I love that other Moms get it and have my back. I love that life coaching helps me choose how I want to think, feel and act. 

I love that I’m giving my dog the silent treatment and she doesn’t even know it.

I know this is what the whole blog is about but I couldn’t end without reiterating how toxic this question is, even though every person I’ve ever met has asked it. It could be triggered by many things: the number on the scale, the amount of money in the bank, the amount of vegetables our kids eat, what college our son attends, you name it, and we will use it as evidence to prove we are inadequate and unworthy of love and belonging. 

Instead of asking yourself this toxic question, ask yourself something that feels good. Was I adequate today? Am I trying to learn and grow? What is my impatience trying to teach me? How can I be more relaxed while at home with my kids? 

Heidi says she wants to be more patient and kind. The fact that she has this desire indicates that her nature is to be patient and kind. How about asking “What is blocking me from being patient and kind that needs my attention?” or “What can I do to let the yuck out so that I can access my gratitude?”

Everyone wakes up with a question in their mind. Make sure you are asking yourself a question that leads to a good answer. 

Being a caring, sensitive, people-pleaser this statement felt sacrilegious. When I discovered this thought, I felt naughty and selfish, like I was breaking some sort of cultural rule. But the more I thought it through, the more accurate it seemed to be. 

When I feel calm, I parent in a way I admire. When I feel content, everyone around me feels content, too. Emotions are contagious. Instead of trying to make my kids happy (which never lasted long), I could focus on my own happiness, something I actually had control over. Then my kids could enjoy the gift of a happy, fulfilled mom, while also enjoying a home filled with joy. 

It’s not like I’m trying to be happy all the time. Sometimes I want to feel mad (like when my dog ate my son’s prime rib dinner). Sometimes I want to feel disappointed (like when I got COVID right before a trip).

But deciding that how I feel is the most important thing puts my focus on something I have control over that benefits everyone around me. 

Quote of The Day:

“The truth is: Belonging starts with self-acceptance. Your level of belonging, in fact, can never be greater than your level of self-acceptance, because believing that you're enough is what gives you the courage to be authentic, vulnerable and imperfect." Brene Brown

Episode #130

My college kid is home for the summer and I’m struggling to know what boundaries I should have in place. She’s 19, very responsible, but she sleeps until 1:00pm and stays out late with her friends. I love that she has a social life but this “no work and all play” doesn’t feel right. 

I’m up at 7am working at my job to pay for her school, car, gas, and food—shouldn’t she be up working, too? It feels wrong. I expected her to work during the summer like I did, but the window for her to get a summer job is closing. She doesn’t seem motivated to work and says her friends can stay out as late as they want and none of them have jobs. 

Do I give her a curfew? Make her stay home? Make her apply for jobs? When I was her age, I worked multiple jobs and loved it, but all my friends worked, too. Can you give me clarity on how to handle this unexpected situation?

Mary

Parent Educator Answer: 

Let’s start with getting clarity on the issues that are bugging you.  

1. Her nocturnal schedule.
2. Not knowing what rules to enforce. 
3. Her "all play, no work" summer lifestyle.

I have a hunch that if your daughter was out late because she worked a night shift, it wouldn’t bother you that she was sleeping until 1:00pm. The reason her nocturnal schedule bugs you is because it’s symbolic of a lifestyle that is not aligned with your values. So for today’s Parent Educator answer, let’s focus on the difference between rules, boundaries, expectations, and values. 

Boundaries are personal decisions you make inside your own head to protect yourself. It’s a line we draw in the sand to feel safe. Nobody else needs to respect our boundaries, that’s our job. They are here so we can have our own backs and be the people we want to be. 

For example: I have a boundary with myself that if I start worrying about my children, I will not indulge my anxiety and “go psycho.” I will not call 911, call their friends, or follow them around town stalking them. I will look up their location on my iphone or text them and calmly ask that they check in. I will breathe, write in my journal, coach myself, and trust that all is well. Having a game plan keeps me from embarrassing myself and putting my anxieties onto my kids. 

Another example: I have a boundary around people yelling at me. I don’t like it. If anyone, family member or stranger, communicates by yelling, I will ask them to calm down or I will walk away. I feel safe because I trust myself to take either action 100% of the time. 

Boundaries are personal. You can tell people what your boundaries are, but it’s up to you to uphold, educate and enforce them. 

Rules are established by an authority figure and/or agreed upon by a group. They can be written or unwritten.

Kids like rules (as long as there aren’t too many of them) because they like to know what’s expected of them and they like to have their parent’s approval. When you make up a rule, like “no cell phones at the dinner table”, your kids know what to expect and they know how to please you. This only works, of course, if there are consequences when the rule is broken. If your kid is on their phone at the dinner table and you don’t say anything, they are going to learn that you don’t mean what you say and rules are not to be followed. 

Kids like to be able to blame their parents’ rules if they feel like they are getting into a situation they aren’t ready for. Being clear about your rules is a gift to your children. Instead of having to look “uncool” in front of friends, kids can blame parent’s rules like: “My Dad said if he finds me vaping, he’ll take my phone away.” or “I’m not allowed to have a boyfriend until I’m 16.” You might not hold too tightly to these rules and be open to negotiation but kids usually like having them in place. 

Parents might even notice kids making up rules that aren’t true like, “I have to get straight A’s or my dad will kill me.” His dad might not care at all about grades, but the student may be embarrassed to admit how much he cares about grades and is using Dad as an out. 

In order for kids to respect your authority, it’s helpful to have 100% conviction and consistency with our rules. 

This fear of having to be 100% consistent can prevent parents from creating rules because as adults, we understand the world is nuanced and situational. If we say, “You have to be home by 11pm or you’ll lose car privileges”, but then our kid gets invited to a fun event that ends at midnight, we feel torn between upholding our rule and bending with the specific situation.

It’s hard to be both consistent and flexible but it is the way the world works when you get to adulthood. You can uphold a rule while also making room for extenuating circumstances and special events. 

Examples of rules Mary might like to implement are:

“Always keep your location turned on on your phone.”

“If you vape or smoke in my car, you will pay to have it professionally cleaned.”

“Be home by 1:00am every night or no more gas money.”

Keep rules short, clear, and easy to remember. Rules change and evolve as kids do so don’t hold on too tightly. As your child grows in wisdom and responsibility, it’s appropriate that you will have fewer rules for them. 

Values are something that is important to you. Values change over time and differ from person to person. It’s ok for children to have different values than their parents. 

For example: Mary has a value around hard work. She expects herself and her family to share the same values of work and contribution. She feels frustrated and confused because her expectation that her daughter would get a job this summer wasn’t met. It’s ok to keep her values but change her expectation to meet her current reality. 

It’s the expectation that is causing her frustration.

To answer the question about what she should do, let’s take a look at what she has control over.

Moms cannot make children apply, interview, or accept job offers. We can offer our thoughts and feelings on the matter. We can talk about why we think it’s important. We can offer conditions like, “I’ll take you shopping after you’ve submitted 5 applications.” We can offer consequences like, “if you don’t work this summer, I won’t give you money for gas.”

Cars, cell phones, apartments, tuition, and food are areas most parents of 19 year olds still pay for and therefore have control over. 

Let’s say you have a VALUE around hard work and contribution. Your daughter currently has a value around socializing with friends and enjoying her summer. These can co-exist. Yes, it’s a little late to be looking for a summer job, but she could start looking for an on-campus job for the next school year. There are other ways she can contribute that don’t look like the traditional summer job. 

-She can help you clean and declutter the attic.

-She can teach grandparents or elderly neighbors to use technology. 

-She can do yard work or babysit for friends that need help. 

-She can sell stuff on LetGo, eBay, or Facebook Marketplace.

-She can take over cooking dinner for the family. 

-She can plan the family vacation, take the car in for maintenance, or re-paint the bathroom. 

If you widen out your perspective, align with your values, and stay focused on things you have control over, you can have your expectations met. 

Renegotiating some family rules would be a good thing to do now, too. Nobody needed curfews during COVID lockdowns but now it sounds like having a curfew could give you both peace of mind. If not a traditional curfew, it could be a nightly check in. You could make a rule saying if you are going to be out late, please text before 11pm letting me know where you are, who you are with, and when you expect to be home. 

Your daughter may appreciate knowing what your expectations are and how to make you happy, and you would feel more in control of an unexpected situation. 

Life Coaching Answer: What gets in our way from setting and enforcing rules? Fear of how our kids will react.

We worry our kids are going to rebel, lie to us, feel mad or stifled in a way that ruins our relationship with them. We want to enjoy our adult kids and respect their growing independence. We understand their need to individuate and worry that making rules will mess up our bond. 

I think this idea comes from the times we make unrealistic rules out of anger that are impossible to uphold. After seeing a bad grade on a report card, a mom might yell, “No more cell phones!” only to cave in a few days later.

When we make these off-the-cuff rules from an angry, disempowered state we learn to associate rules with harsh, authoritative parenting. 

Making and enforcing rules is best when done from calm leadership energy. When we step into our power and ask for what we want, good things happen. Yet it’s common for moms to reject their own authority. They are afraid to “be mean” because they want to have an open and positive relationship with their kiddo. 

THIS IS EXACTLY WHY WE NEED MOMS TO STEP INTO THEIR POWER AND OWN THEIR AUTHORITY! 

Because when women step into leadership positions, their instinct is to do it NICELY. Women gravitate toward collaboration, fairness, and kindness. Women are really good at preserving and prioritizing relationships! This is what we need more of! 

What moms resist is the old fashioned, overly-regulated, command and control stereotype of authoritative parenting. 

Like it or not, you ARE the AUTHORITY. You pay the bills. You know ALL THE THINGS. You are older and wiser with more education and experience than your children. You are the authority and you do have power.

You absolutely can set rules with consensus. I remember doing this in my classroom on the first day of school when I was a teacher. I asked the students what kind of rules they thought would be good to have and made sure everyone followed. They suggested every rule past teachers had in their classroom. We wrote them on a poster and hung them on the wall. 

Mary can negotiate with her teenage daughter about what the rule should be when she comes home from college. They might want to negotiate other rules like “Don’t stop by my dorm unannounced.” People like rules. Even rebels, who get a thrill over bending and breaking rules, like to know what the rules are so they can have fun with them. Artists and musicians study the “rules” so they can use their creativity and think outside the box. 

Supermom Kryptonite: Differing Values

One thing that can drain our energy is when we see our child has different values than we do and we extrapolate into the future. Mary might be imagining that her daughter’s disinterest in working a summer job means her daughter may NEVER want to work a summer job, or any job for that matter. She might worry about her daughter not sharing the same values around hard work as she does. 

We tend to expect our children to have the same values we have. When they don’t, we futurize and catastrophize, making us overreact to the current situation, because we are actually reacting to the imagined future scenario in our heads.

The thing to remember is that values change over time. After so much social distancing, we all placed higher priority on socializing and having fun with friends. Many kids had social and emotional delays that they needed to make up for. Just because Mary’s daughter values play over work this summer, doesn’t mean it will be her value next summer. 

When my kids were younger, I placed a high value on alone time. Now that I’m getting more time to myself, it’s not as high a priority. It’s not that I don’t value it anymore, it’s just I don’t have to focus on it. 

My daughter has a value around not eating animals. She would love it if her dad and I were also vegan, but we have different values and that’s ok. 

Learning to respect your children’s values, even when they are different from yours, is part of the “love more, care less” philosophy I teach in the Leading Your Teen coaching program. When we let go of our expectations of how we think things are supposed to be, and let go of our futurizing and catastrophizing fears, we can embrace our children’s differing values peacefully. 

Supermom Power Boost - Invite Yo’Self! 

When I was a freshman in high school, I asked a boy to the Sadie Hawkins dance. He gave me a typical freshman boy response, “oh! um…huh….um…maybe…I’ll think about it…I may have already made arrangements to go with someone else…I’ll check with her and get back to you…” He, of course, never got back to me, nor did he talk or look me in the eye ever again. 

From this experience I decided, “That sucked and I’m never doing that again.”

I felt so brave and proud for putting myself out there but quickly developed a fear of rejection that translated into my adult life. I have a hard time initiating friendships, inviting people over, or in expressing my desire to socially connect with others. I also tend to take it personally when someone says no to my invitations or says yes and then cancels. 

I LOVE hosting people and planning fun things to do with others so this fear of rejection makes it extra stressful. 

Which is why today’s Supermom Power Boost is to “Invite yourself!” My new friend Darcy doesn’t have a fear of rejection. She invites herself along to anything that sounds fun to her. When we bought our lake house, she made it very clear she wanted to come up and go water skiing on the lake. This took all the fear of rejection away for me. It was such a gift! I knew she wanted to come and would accept an invitation (during COVID it was hard to know who was willing to risk exposure and who was playing it super safe). If she said no, I knew it wasn’t a rejection of ME but just a date that didn’t work for her. Boldly stating that she wanted to come helped me overcome my fears of being rejected. 

I’ve seen her invite herself along to other people’s fun adventures and it’s so good for me to see that people don’t hate her, she doesn’t curl up into a ball when they say no, and more often than not, she gets invited to do a whole bunch of really cool stuff. 

I am learning to take a page out of her book and make it really clear when I want to be invited or included. The social suicide that would ensue from being so bold died back in high school. As adults, I can see that people like to know who likes them and who wants to do fun things. 

Today’s Supermom PowerBoost is to give a gift to the hostess by inviting yourself to join anything that looks fun to you. Instead of letting her worry about being rejected and who may or may not want to join, you can alleviate her fears by making your interests clear. 

It might sound something like this: 

“Your camping trip sounds amazing. I’ve never been camping. Would you be willing to take a newbie along with you next time you go?” 

“Are there any spots available in your Bunco group / book club / playgroup? I would love to join.” 

“Would you like to escape the kids and meet up for dinner and a movie with me?” 

“I notice your family goes to the concerts in the park Friday nights, could I bring my kids and go with you next time?”

Make your interest clear. The worst thing that will happen is the “Oh…um….maybe…I have to see….” response. If so, no big deal, just do what I should have done and go ask someone else to the dance. 

Quote of the day:

“Rejection…and the fear of rejection….are the biggest impediment to choosing ourselves.” James Altucher

“I’m on summer break along with my kids. I’ve got a 7 week break from my job but I’m overwhelmed by all the competing priorities on my time. I want to use this time to relax with my kids by the pool, declutter and have a garage sale, teach my kids how to cook, get more exercise, see my friends and family, plant a garden, take my kids to Six Flags, and get a hold of my finances, organize my files… see what I mean? The list just keeps going on and on. I don’t want August to come along and find I haven’t accomplished any of it. These 7 weeks could easily be filled with the daily tasks of motherhood. How do I  prioritize my to-do list when they all seem equally important?” 

Laura

When you work on the school calendar, it is very easy to put pressure on the condensed summer vacation to accomplish things you are unable to get to during the year. But thinking about all the things you want to do creates an attention bottleneck. Too many ideas swimming around our brains makes us move slower and accomplish less. Call it analysis-paralysis or overthinking, but it is a Supermom kryptonite for sure. 

No one else can tell you what your priorities should be, only you know what’s right for you, but I can give you some guidelines and questions that can help you prioritize. 

Too much to do and not enough time to do it? Focus on the D’s:

Declutter

Discipline

Delight

Decide

Delete

Delegate

Delay 

Do

1. 1. Declutter - Is there anything on this list that you KNOW will get done? Perhaps relaxing at the pool is automatically built into your summer schedule so you don’t have to THINK about doing it, you’ll just do it because it’s in your routine. I don’t have to THINK about doing the dishes because the daily mess will remind me to get it done. If you enjoy gardening, perhaps you can trust yourself to do it and clear out some mental space. Holding tasks in your head unnecessarily takes up valuable mental real estate that will drain your energy. Declutter your brain by putting some tasks on autopilot.
   2. Discipline - Is there one thing that impacts everything else? A good night’s sleep makes everything else easier. Exercise gives you physical energy, mental clarity, and sometimes a social outlet. Perhaps getting a hold of finances will make you relax and enjoy your summer more? Use your discipline on the one thing that has the greatest impact on everything else.
   3. Delight - What will you regret NOT doing once school starts again? If August comes and you have a clean house and organized finances, but you never had the chance to connect with your kids or relax by the pool, you may live to regret it. Think about the ages your kids are this summer. When your kids are out of the house, what will you wish you had done with them at the ages they are today? Prioritize the activities that delight you rather than the “shoulds” and your kids will get the best version of mom. 
   4. Decide - Is there a decision that needs to be made? Closing a loop by making a decision will give you a big boost of energy. Put a date on the calendar for your garage sale. Book a weekend trip with girlfriends. Sign up for a 5k.  Hire a money coach. Also, ask yourself “What am I avoiding?” and make a decision to move that needle forward. Making decisions and committing to forward action will clear out the mental clutter and help you feel accomplished.
   5. Delete - Is there anything on this list you can choose NOT to do? Maybe the reason you are avoiding it is because you don’t WANT to do it and deleting it is the right thing. Kids love Six Flags but you don’t? Drop them off and enjoy a day to yourself. Is Swim Team more hassle than it’s worth? Quit. Closets can stay messy another year. Kids can teach themselves to cook on youtube. Deleting things frees up energy in a flash. 
   6. Delegate - Is there anything on your list you can delegate to someone else? Maybe have Sunbasket or Purple Carrot meal delivery kits teach your kids how to cook. Send the kids to the pool with your neighbor while you clean closets. Let Dad spend the day at Six Flags while you work on finances. Invite your green thumbed friend to socialize and plant a garden with you. You do not need to do it all, Supermom! 
   7. Delay - What on your list can you delay until next summer or wait until the kids are older? Intentionally deciding to delay an important task can free up some mental and emotional energy. Delay the tasks that don’t bring you delight. Delay starting a garden until spring. Delay teaching your kids to cook until they seem interested in learning. We end up delaying things unintentionally, might as well delay them on purpose so you get the benefit of feeling in control of your life. 
   8. Do - Sometimes, the fastest way to feel better is just to DO THE DAMN THING. Spinning around inside, feeling too overwhelmed to take action, can make you feel terrible. Go for a run. Roll out your yoga mat. Put your hands in the dirt. Taking productive action fuels us and motivates us to take more productive action. 

Worrying - Analyzing - Overthinking - Discussing - Researching 

All of these things fall into a category called “Intellectual Action.” It FEELS like we are doing something because our brains are so busy. It feels like we don’t have TIME for actual, real-life action. When we are spinning around in intellectual action we have no CLARITY. How can we move forward when there isn’t a clear step to take? 

We research, we discuss, we weigh pros and cons, we try to please everyone involved (and even those not involved) but all this intellectual action does is keeps us stuck and stagnant.  

What we want is BIG, BOLD ACTION. This will give us energy and momentum. Big, bold action makes us feel confident and in control. 

We think we shouldn’t take action UNTIL we feel confident but it’s these big steps that actually provide confidence! We want the PERFECT path to illuminate itself to us so we can be guaranteed we won’t make a mistake.

We avoid big, bold action because we feel vulnerable and scared. So we wait for confidence to come along but it never does. Instead we feel tired and drained from NOT taking action. We feel embarrassed by our lack of productivity instead of PROUD of all we’ve accomplished. 

If you are having a hard time prioritizing and feeling stagnant, you have 2 choices. 

1. Worry, discuss, and analyze which will keep you feeling tired, confused, and nervous. 
2. Feel the fear and take action anyway. Make decisions, take bold action to move the needle forward WHILE ALSO FEELING FEAR. This will keep you proud and energized.

When you are a card-carrying people pleaser like myself, it can really get in the way from knowing how to prioritize. 

There are many people out there who have no problem prioritizing because they know who they are and what they want. They don’t dwell on how others might feel about it. This makes it so much easier to prioritize. 

If your mom thinks your kids should be able to cook for themselves, and your husband can’t stand clutter, and all the neighbor kids are swimming in the community pool, it can be really hard to know what the right thing to do is FOR YOU. 

But it is really, really, really important for you to know what you want, and give yourself permission to prioritize it. 

No one else is going to take care of you. It’s your job to keep YOU in the driver’s seat of your life. Your higher self knows what you need to be at your best so make sure you are asking yourself on a regular basis. 

What do I really, really want? 

What would make this my best summer ever? 

When I look back at this time of my life, what will I be most proud of? 

Keep YOUR desires, your spirit front and center, and you will know how to prioritize. 

Think about your future self. Doesn’t matter if it’s 5 years in the future or 25 years, but really spend some time thinking about the person you want to be. What will you regret NOT having done during this stage of life? What accomplishment will you be most proud of?  What forward momentum could you put into place now, that you will reap the rewards of later? What obstacle will you be so happy in the future that you overcame?  

When I look back on my life 10 years ago, the things I am most grateful and proud of are hiring a life coach and using my tools to overcome anxiety, going all-in on my coaching business, investing in real estate, and being involved in as many areas of my kids' lives as they would have me. 

We tend to be proudest of the things that are the most difficult to do. Go make your future self proud!

“As soon as you trust yourself, you will know how to live.” Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

Dear Supermoms,

I was planning to release a podcast called “How to prioritize when you are pulled in multiple directions.” I’m going to put that one out next week instead because I have been so affected by the overturning of Roe vs. Wade by the U.S. Supreme Court that I created a special episode for you this week.

Although I consider myself “politically fluid”, I am VERY pro-kid, pro-mom and pro-choice. Motherhood is hard enough that no one should enter into it without feeling up to the task and having loads of support.

I trust moms to make decisions that have children’s best interest at heart. Continuing or terminating a pregnancy should not be a sacred decision between a woman and her state legislature.

I never thought this would happen because in the years I worked at Planned Parenthood, it was the wives and daughters of judges and senators that were the ones taking advantage of our abortion services.

People are often surprised to learn that by and large, in my 3 years experience working in the capital city of California, the poor and disadvantaged were more likely to continue their pregnancies while the educated and advantaged young women were more likely to terminate. This supports the research that says the number one way to prevent teen pregnancy is to have aspirations for the future. When a girl is looking at her future but doesn’t have a clear vision she is excited about, she is more likely to step into the future fate has provided for her. When a girl has plans and a vision for her future, and pregnancy disrupts those plans, she is more likely to terminate.

This episode is not to try to convince you to be pro-choice, or support Planned Parenthood, but I wanted to give you a glimpse of what it’s like to work inside a Planned Parenthood clinic. I keep thinking about these women and wanting to share their stories with you to put a personal face on this legal decision that has been made. I think everyone should work in a Planned Parenthood clinic for one week to expand the mind and heart by stepping into the shoes of others.

I don’t know about you, but I find voting to be difficult when I don’t have personal experience and I want to make an educated decision. I’m hoping a few stories about the women I met will give you more insight than you had yesterday.

In my 20’s, I worked for Planned Parenthood as a Reproductive Health Specialist and a peri-natal coordinator. The clinics I worked at didn’t perform abortions, we just did pelvic exams, pregnancy tests, STD/HIV tests, tubal ligation and vasectomy counseling and discussed birth control options.

I worked with the women who chose to continue their pregnancy to make sure they had access to adequate nutrition, housing, transportation, and all the things they needed to care for a newborn. We talked about the dangers of drugs and alcohol on an unborn fetus, and the benefits of regular medical care. We checked for anemia, gestational diabetes, and made sure they knew where to go to deliver the baby and to secure a car seat so they could bring the baby home from the hospital.

This is the button I wore on my backpack throughout college. I did not think I would still be fighting decades later.Here are stories of 7 young women who stand out that I will never forget:

13 year old margarita girl Mom of 3 college students Woman with infertility Abused with no place to go Numbed out teens Depressed refugee Daughter of a minister

Maybe if you hear these stories, you will care about these women, too.

I hope that we as a country can still provide a place factual and unbiased information, helpful decision making skills, safe, quality medical care, and a warm, loving environment with women who will care about you and your child.

Supermom Kryptonite - Buffering with optimism

Supermom Power Boost - How We Feel app

Quote of the Day:

"The argument was it's her right to decide either way, her right to decide whether or not to bear a child ... This is something central to a woman's life, to her dignity. It is a decision she must make for herself. And when the government controls that decision for her, she is being treated as less than a full adult human responsible for her own choices."   Ruth Bader Ginsburg

Interview with Dr. Jacqueline Kerr Episode #127 of the Supermom is Getting Tired Podcast

Preventing Working Mom Burnout

Dr Jacqueline Kerr is a mom, behavior scientist and burnout survivor. She is in the top 1% of most cited scientists worldwide. Dr Kerr left her position as a public health professor in 2018 and now hosts the podcast 'Overcoming Working Mom Burnout' where she interviews researchers, diversity experts, and leadership coaches. She is on a mission to dismantle the causes of working mom burnout and find solutions that we can all use to change the social norms around burnout.

Watch her brilliant TEDx video here

Learn more at www.DrJacquelineKerr.com

Connect with Jacqueline on Linked In

Subscribe to the Overcoming Working Mom Burnout on your favorite podcast app!

Go to LifeCoachingforParents.com/review

Dear Torie,

Being in my house drains my energy. The clutter and the chaos cause me to lose focus and feel powerless. Anything I do to try and restore order immediately gets messed up by my 3 kids and ADHD husband. When I’m in the main room, my eyes dart around to all the unfinished tasks, work that I have to do and things I hate about my house. I look for excuses to be out of my house rather than clean it. I will clean the car, work in the yard, or even run to Target to buy more stuff to cram into my already cluttered house!

How am I supposed to create a clean and relaxing home environment when being in my house makes me so tired and unfocused?

Melissa

If you felt ready to tackle this situation, I would suggest hiring a personal organizer to help you do a dramatic clean sweep of your home. Choose the room that bugs you the most and pull everything out of it. This shifts the energy in your home and gives you a clean slate with renewed energy.

The problem with this method is that you aren’t getting to the root cause of WHY your house is where it is. Chances are, your room would stay clean for about a month but slowly you’d end up back where you started.

You could delegate it to your family to be in charge of, hire a housecleaner, decide not to let it bother you, create a system where the whole family pitches in on Friday nights. There are many solutions but here at the Supermom is Getting Tired podcast, we know quick fixes only last so long. To make long lasting change, we gotta do a little life coaching.

First we need to debunk the idea that your house is more powerful than you are.

There is no doubt that our clutter holds energy and many people can feel drained in a messy house full of stuff. Most of us can walk into a hotel room and notice increased mental clarity compared with walking into a messy garage where we feel overwhelmed.

BUT

If you were walking through the messy garage to grap the fire extinguisher because your stove was ON FIRE, you would have complete mental clarity.

If you had 15 minutes to get 3 kids changed, 2 dogs fed, so you could make it on time for a worrisome doctor’s appointment, your brain would be overwhelmed and chaotic.

A messy house is not more powerful than your brain.

You could be sitting in your messy house, completely drained and exhausted, staring at all the clutter, when suddenly the door bell rings. At your door are balloons, cameras, and people holding a giant check saying “Congratulations on winning publishers clearing house!” Suddenly you would feel energized and delighted. You would invite these people in to your home feeling excited and happy, no more kryptonite!

Instead of “My house is my kryptonite” It would be more accurate to say “My brain, while in my house, is my kryptonite”.

This makes it easier because who determines what happens inside your brain? You do!

Nothing is going to change in your brain until you figure out WHY you want the house to be messy.

I can hear you saying, “but Torie, I DON’T want the house to be messy!”

I get it, but when you are actively creating a situation that is contrary to what you say you want, there are always two competing voices inside your head. One voice says, “I want a clean house” the other says “I want it to be messy”. This voice will sabotage any efforts you make to get organized so before you can conquer the enemy, you’ve got to get to know thy enemy.

If I say I want to lose weight, and I’m eating a donut every morning, drinking soda all day, and munching cookies in front of the TV every night, then clearly I DON’T want to lose weight. I’ve got to figure out why I WANT to gain weight so that I understand the forces that are keeping me making those choices.

Here are some subconscious reasons WHY someone might WANT to live in a messy house, even when their conscious brain says they want it clean.

1. They don’t want to do what it takes to keep it clean. They don’t want to spend hours in the kitchen. They don’t want to follow their kids around the house constantly reminding them to put caps back on pens, socks in hampers, and clean out sinks.
2. They feel stressed and overwhelmed on the inside and they want their environment to reflect their insides.
3. They (subconsciously) think that if it gets bad enough, someone will come in and rescue them. They love a transformation. It’s more satisfying to take a disaster and completely transform into a beautifully clean room, than to do a little bit everyday and never get to feel the energy shift that comes from a dramatic improvement.
4. They are seeking revenge. Keeping a house messy can be a passive aggressive way to punish our loved ones for _________(fill in the blank). It could be anything from the cultural expectations society places on mom’s shoulders to that one time you accidentally gave away a bag of my clothes to Goodwill to resentment that you spent 6 years in college to spend your days cleaning toilets and picking up dog poop.
5. The desire for perfection. Some people enjoy perfecting and make things look and function beautifully but with 3 kids constantly undoing your efforts, it’s easy to feel defeated and think, “What’s the point?” You might choose to keep it messy because you are holding out for the day when you can work your perfectionistic magic.
6. They dislike the space. If you are wanting to move house or do a renovation, you might purposefully let your house look as bad as possible in hopes that you will get what you want.
7. There is something else going on that you don’t want to deal with and having a chronically messy house is a great distraction. If you are avoiding dealing with marriage problems, financial problems, physical or mental health problems, then having an obvious clutter problem is a handy thing to hide behind.

There are many reasons WHY people WANT to keep their house messy.

Before you try changing your house, figure out what yours is and see if it’s worth keeping it.

Ask yourself,

and

For example, when I realized I was keeping my house messy because I was resentful that this is what my life had boiled down to. I was unhappy and I want my environment to reflect that. I asked myself, “Do I LIKE my reason for keeping my house messy?” and in a way I did. When I asked, “Is there another way to get what I want?” I decided to work enough hours to pay for a housecleaner. I would rather teach preschool and parenting classes, than mop my floor. Many people would rather mop floors than teach preschool and parenting classes. Once I aligned with my values, found work I enjoyed and let someone else do the work they enjoyed restoring order to my house, I felt much more at peace in my perfectly imperfect home.

Let’s say you resonated with reason #6 and found your desire for perfection is keeping you from having a clean home. Ask yourself “Do I LIKE my reason and is there another way to active the same goal?” You might find a compromise like setting a timer for 15 minutes of tidying then you can reward yourself by color coordinating your condiments in your refrigerator.

Saralynn thought she couldn’t relax unless the house was clean. She was constantly complaining about the mess and trying to get her family to pitch in so that she could feel relaxed on the inside. Her house was messy because she didn’t want to be cleaning it all the time.

Without realizing it, she had given her away her ability to relax to outside forces and it just wasn’t working for her. Her family hid because she was constantly nagging them and they just wanted her to chill out.

She asked herself, ”Is there another way to get what I want?”

Instead of focusing on getting her home cleaned so she could relax, she focused on feeling relaxed on the inside FIRST. She found it easiest to do this outside the home so she’d go sit in her car or the backyard, breathe, read a book, and then, when she felt ready to go back inside, she would tell herself what to focus on. Saralynn would rally the kids to wipe off the counters, while she put dishes away, then go back outside and read her book. This proved to her brain that she could relax, even while her house was messy, and only devote small chunks of the day to cleaning.

If you connected with reason #4 and have a pattern of increasing messiness so that you get a big transformation, perhaps you’ll decide you like this reason and it works for you. Then you can feel at peace with your decision and eliminate the cognitive dissonance that is draining your energy.

Having two competing beliefs battling it out inside our heads will always drain our energy and cause us to lose focus and mental clarity.

The most important thing is for you to reconcile these two competing voices and figure out what you really, really want.

Your conscious brain might think it wants a perfectly tidy home but your subconscious brain might be tired and just want to rest. Finding the balance between these two voices where both get heard and respected will create a mind state of peace and clarity.

One of the biggest obstacles that interferes with our ability to grow and change is a mindset like, “This is just how I am, I’ve always been this way and nothing is going to change that.”

This is a huge block to creating new synaptic activity and growing the brain to think in a new way. When you think, “this is just how I am” you are surrendering all your personal power. “I’ve always been this way” is like announcing to the universe, “I am unable to use my imagination, my creativity, and I am completely closed off to new ideas”. It is a HUGE KRYPTONITE.

PLEASE only use this phrasing to reinforce something that you NEVER WANT TO CHANGE and you HOPE TO ALWAYS BE TRUE.

“I’m a natural born winner, always was, always will be. This is just how I am.” “I am a child of God. Loved no matter what. Nothing will ever change how valuable I am.” “I am enough. This is just how I am. I’ve always been good enough and nothing is going to change that.”

Be super selective where you use these “surrendering” phrases and make sure it’s something you want to always believe about yourself.

Magical things happen when we try something new. We override that part of our brain that says “This is just how you are” and we prove it wrong.

Jacqueline was trying everything to overcome working mom burnout but nothing seemed to be helping. She felt exhausted and stuck, until one day, on a whim, she signed up for an Improv class. This one act of rebellion put her on a different course. Improv helped her loosen up her thinking, trust her creativity, and get really comfortable with failure and making mistakes. From there, she hired a life coach, switched career paths, and started a podcast about overcoming working mom burnout.

One of my SuperDad clients is trying to undo his addiction to round the clock work. At our last session he says, “I’m not feeling better yet, in fact I’m getting more and more fed up and desperate for change, but I am starting to eat better. After decades of starting my day at Starbucks with a coffee and a pastry, I’ve switched to oatmeal.” This might seem like a small change but it’s a very good sign that big changes are on the horizon. Trying something new keeps the brain flexible and reminds us that we are not imprisoned by our habits.

I have had “itchy feet” all through COVID, craving travel. When I ask myself what is it about travel that I’m yearning for, the answer is novelty and adventure. In my attempt to find novelty and adventure, I’ve discovered Aerial Yoga and it has been a blast! I feel like a kid again, hanging from these silk hammocks and flipping around and upside down. When you get older, it’s easy to get set in your ways but trying something new and difficult keeps your brain nimble and your spirit youthful. My teacher will say something like “Curl into a ball, flip to your side and rotate your leg to the ceiling”. I will repeat the words to myself but I can’t get my body to obey. It’s like she’s speaking a foreign language. I can hear my brain saying, “that’s impossible” “there is no way” and then I’ll do it and it’s like little fireworks go off in my brain. I’m terrible at it, but that’s part of the fun. I’m sure I’ll get good at it eventually but then the novelty and adventure will wear off and it will feel like an ordinary exercise class.

If you want a boost of energy, try something new and prove to your brain that you are capable of change. It doesn’t have to be in the same area where you find yourself struggling. Messy house draining your energy? Learn a new language on Duo Lingo. Can’t get a hold of your finances? Try some new plant based recipes.

The goal is to keep your brain flexible and remind yourself that you can create whatever you desire.

“Successful organizing forces you to look at the big picture, not one small section of the frame, so that the system you design will be complete.” Julie Morgenstern https://www.juliemorgenstern.com/books

Are you tired of constantly nagging and repeating yourself? 

This free masterclass will teach you how to get your kids to listen (and OBEY!), the first time you ask, freeing up your energy for more fun and important things. 

You are a busy, hardworking mom.

You need your kids to step up and take on some responsibility but it all seems to fall on your shoulders. 

“Put down your phone” 

“Finish your homework” 

“Hang up your coat” 

“Turn off the xbox” 

The constant nagging, reminding and TRYING to get kids to do things is exhausting. 

“Get dressed”,

“Brush your teeth”

“Go to bed”

These tasks aren’t difficult.

We aren’t asking them to chop firewood or do our taxes. We are asking them to do simple things that are good for them and their future!  

We’ve gotten so used to the push back, arguing, avoiding and resistance that we feel defeated before we even ask. 

We know they are going to freak out when we say “turn off your ipad and come do your homework” so we start bracing ourselves for the inevitable temper tantrum that will ensue. 

When we ask them to clean their clothes off the living room floor, we know they are going to blame their siblings, us, the dog, anyone other than just taking responsibility with a quick, “Ok, sure, mom.” 

We ask them to clear their plate and load the dishwasher and they mumble “sure, mom, as soon as I finish my homework.” Three hours later, you are going to bed with the kitchen full of caked on dishes and your daughter has asleep watching netflix.

This constant nagging and TRYING to get kids to do things turns us into people we don’t like. We feel like we have to yell to be heard, and it robs us of the joy of raising our children. 

Can you imagine how much more enjoyable your relationship with your kids would be if it didn’t revolve around making them do things?  

Think about how nice your home life would be if your kids obeyed you the first time you asked? 

What would you spend your freed up energy on if you could trust your kids to do what you asked of them without nagging or reminding? 

The Listen Lesson will teach you how to get kids to listen and obey the first time.

The Listen Lesson is what every parent needs to learn to feel confident and in control, knowing they can get their kid to listen to them whenever they want. 

It should have been taught to us as soon as our toddler discovered the word “no”.  It’s simple to learn and super practical, and yet no body teaches it to the people who need it most, MOMS! 

Once you master this skill, you’ll never need to nag again. 

Dear Torie,

Summer is coming and I can already anticipate my kids wanting nothing but to sit on their devices all day. Without the structure the school year provides, there is just too much down time and in my house, boredom always leads to video games, youtube and Netflix. 

The problem is I have a love/hate relationship with their devices. I LOVE that they leave me alone! When they are on their devices, they stop complaining about being bored, they stop asking for snacks a million times a day, and they stop bickering and fighting with each other! Life is peaceful when devices are on. 

HOWEVER, after they have been on their devices too long, I start feeling guilty. I get annoyed and start yelling at them to turn it off, go outside, call a friend. They ignore me so I threaten to chuck their ipad or cell phone out the window. It’s not pretty. 

Can you help me come up with a game plan or survival guide I can stick to this summer so I don’t go insane? 

Thank you, 

Madison

What works for creating a simple system you can stick to for managing kids digital devices?

A clear and consistent schedule.

There is a reason why teachers follow and post a clear, predictable schedule for students. We like to know what to expect. It helps us relax and enjoy the moment. In the beginning there is lots of testing and pushing boundaries from kids wondering…”Do you really mean what you say?” “Are you going to stick to this or is there wiggle room?” But if you hold firm to your established boundaries, they will stop asking and simply obey the structure you have created. 

Your schedule can look like “No devices before noon” 

Or 

“Internet access is only available between 12-2pm and 7-9pm.” 

Or 

“Free access all day except for the hours between 4-6pm.” 

Or

“You get no more than 4 hours of play time but you choose when you use those hours." 

Following through on rules could mean putting devices in a central location in your house where you can monitor, setting the wifi router or cell phone to shut off at a particular time, or using an app or chart to track screen time access. 

For SURE you want to sign up for my free webinar next Tuesday so you don’t slip into the habit of constantly nagging and repeating yourself to get them to follow through on the plan! 

1. Feeling like a “bad mom”.
2. Inconsistent summer schedules.
3. Persistent and/or sneaky children.
4. Perfectionistic fantasies.
5. An absence of calm, leadership energy.

1. "Bad Mom"

When our kids have spent too much time on devices, the guilt that creeps in usually comes from a voice in our heads whispering mean things like,

“You aren’t doing it right.”

“If you were a good mom, your kids would be creating art and engineering feats in the backyard.”

“Your kids prefer video games to reading books, you are a failure as a mother.” 

We KNOW we aren’t bad moms! We are working our butts off to do the right things for our kids! So when this mean voice creeps in, we have the urge to kick it to the curb. The desire to yell or chuck the xbox out the window is really a desire to toss this mean voice out the window. 

Instead, meet this voice with confident compassion. “I know you think you are helping me by telling me I suck. Your opinion is noted but not welcome. I can get my kids off devices while still believing I'm a good mom.” 

It takes some time and focused attention to become aware of this subconscious voice in our head so don't feel bad if you aren't aware of it or you don't feel in control. Managing this inner critic is really hard to do on your own. It helps to have a life coach or therapist there to help you separate from it.

2. Inconsistent summer schedules make it really hard to schedule consistent screen time. When you’ve got swim meets on Wednesday nights, play dates with friends and camping trips on the weekend, how are you supposed to stay consistent? 

The solution is to take it one week at a time, or one day at a time. If your kids know that their screen time will be monitored everyday, it doesn’t matter if you say “today you can have devices from noon to 2:00pm”, “tomorrow 5-7:00pm”. It’s not a problem to be consistently inconsistent. Just make sure YOU don’t throw in the towel when things get dicey. The rewards of consistency are kids who know the rules and follow them without arguing and pushback. 

3. Speaking of arguing and pushback, the next obstacle that keeps us from creating a schedule is argumentative, persistent and sneaky children. Some kids love a predictable routine, other kids find rebelling against routine (and mom) exciting entertainment. They get to test their manipulation skills and turn it into a competitive power struggle. If this is your scenario, the best strategy is boredom. Be consistent, follow through everyday, but don’t give it your energy and attention. Turn off the device with a yawn saying “You know the rules” then challenge them to make 10 free throws in a row. If excitement and attention are your child’s motivation to misbehave, give them something else to get excited about. 

4. Perfectionistic Fantasies are these dreams we have of summer time with our kids running through the sprinklers, happily playing outside, entertaining themselves with their imagination. We think, “If I was a good mom, my kids wouldn’t be interested in screens” or “If I was a good mom, I would provide fun and stimulating activities everyday.” These perfectionistic fantasies make us feel like we are constantly failing because they never come true! Instead, expect summertime to be really hard, expect your kids to want to be on screens and get a game plan in place to take care of yourself, as well as the kids. 

5. An absence of calm, leadership energy - Kids can sense when you are standing in your power, they feel your confident energy and do what you ask. If you are asking them to follow the routine from a disempowered energy, they won’t feel compelled to listen or obey. When you are afraid of their pushback, or annoyed that you have to police these devices, or exhausted from too much kid time, it’s going to mess with your leadership energy. 

Lots of things get in the way when you are trying to implement parenting systems that are good for kids. Screen time feels harder to monitor because we didn’t grow up with the availability of devices like today’s kids have so we don’t have an example to imitate. Think of managing devices like brushing teeth. Eventually, it will be your kid’s job to manage on their own but until then, we can remind them and hold them accountable to a boring, consistent routine.  

The end of the year crazies are upon us. School picnics and field trips, graduation ceremonies, teacher gifts and parties. SO MUCH extra stuff gets piled on at the end of the year it can make a Momma barely have time to breathe. Give yourself grace during these months. It’s survival time. Reduce your expectations, drop a ball or two, half ass it wherever you can. Revisit your game plan once summer is in full swing and you have a little more time. 

If you only get ONE DAY A YEAR to celebrate your awesomeness, it’s a recipe for disappointment. If Mother’s Day is the only time your family asks “What do you want, Mom?” then it’s never going to feel like enough. 

I remember coming home late one night after teaching Time for The Talk. I loved teaching at night. Most nights I was exhausted by the time dinner rolled around but teaching gave me a burst of energy. I got to do my hair and makeup, hang out with amazing parents and kids, have some fun doing what I loved, then come home and the kids would already be in bed. No dinner, no bath, no bedtime routine! Coming home after teaching was my favorite! I would heat up some dinner, curl up on the couch and watch Survivor.

One night I came home and SOMEBODY messed up my DVR recording. I was so looking forward to my favorite Monday night routine but when I found out my favorite show was not recorded, I LOST IT! Total exploding doormat: tears, yelling, temper tantrum. What that taught me is that I need more than just one evening a week of JOY. I need to diversify so that when something goes wrong, my sanity doesn’t go down the toilet.

Last Wednesday, I made plans to go golfing with my husband after work. It was the warmest day we’d had in 7 months and I wanted to enjoy it! It took longer than we thought to finish up work and get out of the house, by the time we got to the golf course, it was too late. Even though the sun was shining and the weather was warm, they were still on spring hours, not summer. No problem, we’ll go to another course nearby. Turns out the sprinklers were going on soon and we wouldn’t be able to get 9 holes in. Fine, we’ll just hit some balls at the driving range. Guess what? The driving range closes early for cleanup on Wednesdays. Fine, we’ll go for a hike. My husband’s allergies kick in before we get to the trail head. 

In the past, this would have sent me into a tearful rage because it was my one and only opportunity to get away for a golf outing. But because I now have more time for me than ever before, I was able to roll with the punches. I didn’t feel scarcity around this day, so I was able to enjoy sitting in the sunshine, just having a beer and watching other people golf.

Be sure to diversify your joy, especially in the summer. Have it come in from more than one place. If food is your main source of pleasure and self indulgence, it will leave you hungry for more. If your partner is your sole source of sanity and companionship, when they go out of town you may come unhinged. Think about getting your happiness from a variety of sources, building in lots of time for fun, relaxation and pleasure, so you can avoid the “Exploding Doormat Syndrome” when your kids aren’t following the screen time protocol. 

"Our children are counting on us to provide two things: consistency and structure. Children need parents who say what they mean, mean what they say, and do what they say they are going to do.” Barbara Coloroso

“I’ve given my 3 daughters everything. I think I’ve been a good mom and they tell me so. I know I’m very lucky that my 3 adolescent daughters love me so much and still want to be with me, but… sometimes I wish they were more independent. I hear moms complain about their daughter’s hanging out in the room too much, or always going out with friends, and I kind of wish my girls were more like that. It seems that no matter how much of my love, companionship, attention or support I give them, they still want more. They are 12, 15, and 17 and they still want me to cook for them, watch TV with them, go shopping with them, do their hair, or just hang out with them. When can I expect them to want more independence? I’d really like to have some free time to do the things I want to do.”

Missy

Looking at the social and emotional milestones we expect to see in girls, it would be normal to expect a push towards independence at the ages your girls are. Between the ages of 10-14, girls tend to create (or crave) more emotionally intimate relationships with their peers. You might see the advent of a tight knit group or clique, or a “best friend” situation emerge. 

Some cultures have a very significant right of passage to help a child shift their identity from child to adult. In the absence of a ceremony, it takes on a more gradual process. The tight friend or group helps the child feel more comfortable being away from mom and dad. It’s a way to practice independence without being thrust out on your own. 

Even though it is developmentally appropriate to see this shift, social distancing through a wrench into a lot of normal developmental expectations for teens. 

If your daughters have made it through ages 15 - 17 and still consider you their best friend, it’s time for you to encourage independence in them. 

It might seem like a wonderful thing to have girls who want you with them all the time, but if you aren’t seeing them take on new challenges, making new friends or striving towards independence, you may have to act like a momma bird, nudge them out of the nest and show them they are capable of using their wings. 

If you have a toddler who just wanted to be carried around all the time, and wasn’t interested in learning to walk, you would find a way to balance your child’s desire with what you know is good for them. You would put them down, and give big smiles and praise when they cruised on furniture. You would celebrate their developmental milestones by taking pictures and sharing their successes with other family members. When they got tired, you would put them in the stroller. After a day of developing their skill, you would hold them and put them to bed. As a mom, our job is to love, nurture, and provide, while also encouraging them to grow into independent adults. 

If your teens aren’t actively seeking independence, it’s time for Momma to encourage it, praise it, celebrate it and hold them accountable. The love, care and nurture can come AFTER your teens can demonstrate they are taking on new adult challenges, trying something new and uncomfortable, going outside their comfort zone, spending time cultivating friendships, or any striving towards independence.

We want to make sure we are always growing and learning, not avoiding challenges out of fear. 

Some examples of developmentally appropriate independent activities for 12-17 year olds are: 

Cooking for themselves and the family.

Cleaning up their room, bathroom and kitchen.

Yard work.

Babysitting, pet sitting and house sitting for other families.

Riding public transportation (by themselves).

Applying for jobs.

Making appointments for themselves.

Hosting/coordinating parties and gatherings for friends.

Traveling without mom and dad.

Walking to the store to buy groceries.

Talking to teachers about school work.

When you’ve created a cozy little nest, it makes sense that your kids wouldn’t want to leave it. But like all moms in the animal kingdom, our job is to teach our kids how to survive in the wild. If we don’t create some constructive adversity, our kids may never get to see how capable they truly are. 

We need to encourage our kids to seek out challenges that are difficult, embarrassing, awkward, and uncomfortable. They can’t be confident until they’ve developed competence and they don’t get competent without making some uncomfortable mistakes first. 

If your girls ARE taking on new challenges, growing and adulting, they just want mom by their side, then we move to the life coaching answer. 

A belief that it’s our job to make them comfortable and a belief that it’s not ok to prioritize our needs over theirs. 

You can hear it in the question. 

Missy says, “I want them to not need me so much.” “They want me to be with them”

You know what you want, which is great, but who is currently GETTING what they want? 

The girls.

Why? Why do they get what they want instead of you? 

Because there is some kind of belief that says, 

“It’s my job to make them happy.” or 

“I’m supposed to ignore what I want and give them what they want.” or 

“Their desires are more important than mine.”

Because they want you, you are somehow required by law to obey them? 

What would happen if you did what YOU wanted? Let’s imagine that your whole day is crafted exactly the way YOU want it. No more prioritizing other people’s desires above your own. You just get to arrange your day the way that works best for you. 

What would your mornings look like? 

If you could do what you wanted, how would you spend your afternoon and evening? 

What would you do on the weekend if it was totally up to you? 

Can you see that flipping this dynamic would make your girls uncomfortable? 

That’s exactly what we want!  To nudge them out of the nest using natural constructive adversity!  

When they are hungry, and no one is cooking for them, they might try cooking. They might burn something, break a dish or explode something in the microwave, perfect! That’s what the road to independence looks like! 

When they get lonely or bored, they might reach out to a friend. They might be brave and invite them to do something fun: go bowling or roller skating or just meet at a coffee shop and flirt with the barista. Wonderful! Taking emotional risks is the best way to prevent social anxiety. Celebrate your daughter’s bravery, we need more teenagers willing to take the social lead! 

Our job is not to make our kids comfortable, our job is to encourage them to live in the “growth zone”. In between the comfort zone and the discomfort zone, is the GROWTH ZONE. When we live in the growth zone, life feels exciting. We build resilience by taking risks, falling on our face, and trying again the next day. We learn, we fail, we grow, we try again. This is living. 

It’s time to let go of the old beliefs that were true when they were babies “It’s my job to make them comfortable” and update the brain to raising adolescents by adopting the belief, “It’s my job to make them UNCOMFORTABLE.” 

Remember, children learn by imitation so if YOU are struggling to go outside YOUR comfort zone, take on new challenges and make mistakes, starting with yourself is the first order of business. 

Make a new friend, go on an adventure, hire a life coach, and then brag to your girls about how proud you are of yourself. Soon, the whole family can grow together and celebrate each other's growth. 

This is a hard thing to describe but important to recognize. All kids drain their mom’s energy to some degree but some children have the ability to drain it in a unique way. The best way I’ve found to describe it is like the kid’s battery is running low and they plug into their MOM as their outlet. They use mom's energy to power themselves up. 

Most of us, when we are running low on energy, will power up with sleep, rest, zoning out, solitude, food, or just relaxing in the sunshine with a good book. It’s normal for young kids to feel calmed and comforted by their mom’s presence. This is different. Some kids will power up their energy by TAKING it from their mom. 

The moms I’ve coached who are stuck in this predicament have a hard time getting help for it because it’s hard to describe. I’m always so glad they found my podcast and have come in for life coaching because this is a no-win situation. 

Kids need to learn to fill up their own tank and moms need as much energy as they can get. If you know anyone who seems to lose themselves around their kids, turns into a “zombie mommy” after spending a short time with their child, or feels fully alive away from kids, but flatlines when around them, please send them this podcast and encourage them to schedule a free discovery call. 

Sometimes this energy draining phenomenon looks like a child LOVING on mom: touching, demanding eye contact, pulling, clinging, wanting to be physically and emotionally intertwined. A "velcro child". 

Other times it looks like a child “throwing emotions at mom”. For example, a child stubs her toe, looks over at her mom with a glare, and says “MOM!” with blame in her tone of voice as though its mom’s fault she stubbed her toe. 

Some children want to be alone with their negative emotions, others want to wail and throw tantrums. Others blame their siblings or the stupid furniture that got in their way and made them trip.  Energy draining children will come sit right in front of mom, look her in the eye with a “What are you going to do about it?” expression. 

It’s as though these draining kids have the subconscious belief that mom is the cause of unwanted emotions, and the cure for positive ones. It is unhealthy for both parties so please seek help if this resonates with you. 

If you are used to being in charge, making decisions, coordinating, planning and executing, it is really nice to relinquish your responsibility once in a while. When you LIKE doing these things, and you are good at them, it’s easy to find yourself taking this role in every area of your life. 

If you are a high powered Supermom with a lot of people relying on you, get a boost of energy by surrendering your authority to someone super capable. 

Last week I traveled with my brother and it has been so nice to relinquish control over the trip planning and coordination. He is highly capable, but he’s also been to Paris many times before and has more command of the language. It made sense to let him figure out the transportation and accommodations while I just went along for the ride. 

Even though it was somewhat uncomfortable because my comfort zone is to be the one in charge, it was so relaxing (kind of like being a kid!). Not only did I get a break from my routine and a change of scenery, but I got a break from the role I usually play and I thoroughly enjoyed not being in charge for a little while. 

It’s the same feeling I had around my yoga teacher. I could take my worn out, stressed out body, plop it on a mat in her yoga studio, and trust her to bring me back to a calm, energized state. I just did what she told me to do, no thinking required, and she was deliciously reliable. 

When you are used to being in charge, and you like it done a certain way, it can be hard to let go of control. Keep looking until you can find someone competent, someone who gets you, and is a bigger expert than you are. This is what I offer in my Time for The Talk class. For one month, you do not need to be the expert in puberty and sex education. You get a break from being in charge and just sit alongside your kiddo in a relaxed, interactive learning environment. 

I found a similarly relaxing experience at family camp. I’m there, but I’m not in charge. Competent people are arranging the activities, doing the driving, the cooking, and the dishes. It was HEAVEN. 

If you are the captain of your family ship, find a way to sit in other people’s ships once in a while and let other people take the lead. It is so worthwhile and I promise, the opportunities exist out there. You deserve a break, Supermom. 

“It is not what you have done for your children, but what you have taught them to do for themselves, that will make them successful human beings.” Ann Landers

When you've got a child who is A LOT harder to raise than the average kid, listening to parenting podcasts and experts can be SUPER frustrating.  None of the advice seems geared towards you. You feel lonely and isolated, feeling like people just don't get it. The amount of unsolicited advice from friends and family is UNBELIEVABLY ANNOYING.

How can I listen to parents complaining about bad grades and messy rooms when my child just attempted suicide and is being kicked out of yet another residential treatment program?

Today's episode is a light of hope for parents who are currently dealing with kids in very difficult situations. I wanted to show you Supermoms how things can turn out beautifully, even when it seems like there is no way they ever will.

When your child is in a dark place, it's easy to futurize and catastrophize, painting a very dismal picture of their future. Wendy wasn't sure her daughter would make it to adulthood, let alone live independently, hold down a job, and have healthy relationships with people that didn't require mom's facilitation and intervention.

This podcast is an interview with an amazing Supermom and long term client who is enjoying a beautiful relationship with her special needs daughter after years of struggle and difficulties.

If you are challenged by your teen or tween, this interview will give you inspiration and appreciation. Wendy is a fantastic mom, a brilliant artist, and continues to grow and learn as she enjoys her empty nest stage of life.

This week's podcast is going to be a little different because the answer to today’s question is being answered all week long. 

I’ve teamed up with organizing expert Tracy Hoth of  Simply Square Away, to offer you Creating Calm: a 5-day declutter challenge.

We are going live inside the Supermom is Getting Tired facebook group to help you take control of your home, declutter and organize, so you can feel calmer. 

By the time you listen to this, the challenge has already begun so make sure you get over there quickly! We are offering prizes to all who participate in this challenge so say goodbye to that messy closet, and get excited to lift your energy! 

Sometimes when moms think about trying to organize, they feel overwhelmed. In preparing for this week, I heard moms say...

There is so much clutter around my house I can’t think straight. I’m embarrassed when people stop by my house. I really want to get organized but I’m too exhausted to make it happen. 

I have no time to follow my kids around, making sure they pick up after themselves. I want to just snap my fingers and get it all cleaned up but knowing me, even if the whole house was cleaned, it would be right back where it started 3 days later. 

If you are trying to figure out how you can create the calm environment you crave, when you don’t have time or energy to organize, then this challenge is for you.

Our brains don’t like change. They perceive new things as scary. So they always come up with reasons why you should stay exactly as you are. “I don’t have time, money or energy” are very popular ones. Followed by “I would do it if my family would let me or was more supportive.” 

Don’t let your brain’s default setting keep you from getting what you really want. 

If you have a desire to have a clean and tidy home you can be proud of, a home that calms and energizes you at the same time, then you deserve to have that. 

Want to know what causes fatigue? 

Clutter. Indecision. Avoiding things. Not taking action on things you genuinely want is a HUGE energy drain!  

Think about a phone call you have to make but you keep avoiding it. That difficult conversation you’ve been meaning to have with your family member. Finding a trust attorney to put together your living will. Jumping through the automated hoops with AT&T to finally resolve that discrepancy on your bill. 

Can you feel the weight of those phone calls you are dreading? Now imagine having completed them. You’ve been avoiding them for MONTHS but those 3 phone calls only took 45 minutes out of your life! Now you get to feel accomplished and proud…you are full of energy and ready to move on! 

It feels AMAZING to tackle things you’ve been avoiding. So the reason you are avoiding cleaning that messy closet, (no time or energy) can be remedied by actually cleaning out the messy closet! 

I do not disagree that you are tired and have a lot on your plate. That’s just a fact of modern living that I’m sure is true. 

I’m just saying there is a difference between resting and avoiding.

If you are tired, and you rest, you feel better after. You have more energy to go back to work. 

If you are tired, and you rest, and you feel MORE drained after, then you are avoiding doing the thing that is actually going to GIVE you energy. 

If you decide NOT to participate in the 5 day declutter challenge, and next week you look at your messy kitchen counter and think, “I’m so glad I didn’t participate. That was the right choice for me because I spent my time doing more important and valuable things.” then great, you made the right decision for you. 

If, however, next week, you are looking at your cluttered kitchen counter and thinking, “I really should have participated in that challenge. It would have been good for me to tackle this mess I’ve been avoiding.” then it’s not too late! 

Hop on over to the Supermom is Getting Tired facebook group and join Tracy and Torie for a boost of energy. 

"How do I get over that feeling of loss for my little kids?

I miss them being small, loving and playful, always wanting me to be with them. I had so much fun when they were little, playing outside, doing crafts, even just hanging out at home watching movies. 

Now that I have a teen and tween, I feel like they don't want or need me around. They would rather be with their friends which I know is normal and I’m happy they are enjoying activities, school and friends, but I miss my time with them so much. 

I'm not sure how to fit into their lives right now. I know they are just growing up like they should be doing. And don't get me wrong, I'm very proud of them and how independent they have become. But I would love to have them run up and ask me for a hug or grab my hand and ask me to play a game one more time!"

The other day, my almost 13 year old was at school and sent me a text that he forgot his basketball bag for practice after school. I work from home so I said I could drop it off at lunch hour. I gathered up everything he would need, put it in his bag and dropped it off at school. Afterwards I felt so happy and useful. Doesn’t that sound crazy?”

Kelly

First of all, no, it does not sound crazy at all. Many moms can relate because it feels good to be needed and valued and it’s a huge part of our lives. It is ironic because the other podcast topics I was considering for today were: “I’m not cut out for servitude” and “No matter how much I give, they still want more.” So it is nice for moms to hear that they might actually miss the constant demands someday. 

There is a movie on Netflix called “Otherhood” about 3 moms whose kids have grown up and moved out. They describe motherhood as a long, slow breakup. “That sinking feeling that you are being broken up with on a gradual but daily basis.” 

We go from a very loving and intense relationship, spending lots of time fully enmeshed in each other’s lives, to slowly being made redundant. Not fired, just demoted. As your kids become more responsible and independent, your role in their lives diminishes. We go from playing the leading role, to supporting lead, bit player or worse, the antagonist. 

It can be difficult and sad. The first thing to become aware of is the difference between clean pain and dirty pain. Clean pain feels pure and appropriate for the situation. If you have a miscarriage, there is some healthy and healing clean grief to experience. As the tears flow, we acknowledge the loss and let go of the dreams we had for this child’s future that will never come to be. 

The dirty pain comes in when we think thoughts like, “Bad things always happen to me.” “God is punishing me for drinking that beer.” Our thoughts can perpetuate sadness, making it last forever. Clean sadness helps us move forward. Dirty grief keeps us stuck in wishing things are different than they are. 

The purpose of sadness is to identify something we are ready to let go of. You might say you aren’t ready to let go of your little kids, that you want them to be young again, but notice how those thoughts make you feel. When we long for something that is impossible to have we suffer unnecessarily. 

What we want to do is examine: Which aspects of the past are you ready to say goodbye to and which aspects do you want to bring with you into your future? 

Grab your tissue box and practice letting go of the past right now: 

I say goodbye to the child who always wanted me with them. 

I say goodbye to being your number one favorite person. 

I say goodbye to playing games with you whenever I want.

I say goodbye to managing your calendar and choosing your friends. 

I say goodbye to managing your school work.

I say goodbye to being able to hug you whenever I want. 

I say goodbye to holding your hand. 

I say goodbye to doing arts and crafts whenever I wanted. 

Our higher self, trying to get our attention to something that is important for us to bring forward.  

When you feel resistance to letting go, it may because there is an ELEMENT you need to hold on to and carry into your future. If you don’t want to let go of doing arts and crafts with your kids, it may be because your spirit craves more artistic, creative time. Or maybe you love teaching young children to create things with their hands. You’ll want to take a deeper dive into what, exactly, you do not want to let go of. 

The best way to figure this out is with a question I got from Bev Barnes in episode 101 when she coached me on finding my soul’s calling. She asked me “What aspect of parenting your children are you most proud of?” For some reason, this question illuminates a part of our essence, our spirit, that doesn’t want to be let go of. To my surprise, I said, the thing I was most proud of was the parties I hosted throughout the years. Bev pointed out that me, creating in person events and experiences for others was an important part of me, feeling like me. When letting go of your kids, it’s important not to let go of the parts of ourselves that we loved the most. 

I asked another client what she was most proud of during her time as mom and she talked about how confident and sure of herself she was. She felt very attuned to her child and confident she was making the right decisions, even when family and friends disagreed. Of course, she doesn’t want to let go of feeling confident and self assured! She felt like the best version of herself back then. Her higher self doesn’t want to grieve the loss of the best time of her life, it wants her to learn how to be the best, most confident version of herself now and into the future! 

I asked Kelly what she was most proud of when the kids were little and she said balance.

“When the kids were little, I worked hard at balancing my full time office job, parenting, time for myself, time with my husband and time with my friends. We had a good structure and it worked. As the kids grew, my time with the kids is less because they no longer need me at each event. I spend more time sitting in the car than anything. And they have so many things going on in separate places that I have less time with my husband. We are usually split up between kids. My friends are in the same boat, too busy to get away for some adult time.”

There are two ways our higher self tries to get our attention. Yearning and discontent.

Kelly is yearning for the younger kids because she feels discontent with her life as a chauffeur. She longs for the balance she had back then.

Once you realize what you are yearning for, it’s easier to create it. We can’t make the kids smaller, but you can get more involved with the parents on the sidelines of the basketball games. If you are sitting in the car, you can use that time to talk on the phone to a friend. You could ask another mom to go for a walk while the kids have practice or plan a team bonding event for parents and kids. 

When you find yourself wanting to hold onto the past, ask yourself what specifically you miss that you want to bring forward into your future. 

Raising tweens and teens is a continuous process of letting go. By letting go, you make space for new and wonderful things to come in. 

It’s pretty common to assign credit to others. Kelly thought having little kids around her made her feel balanced, but if that was true, every mom would feel balanced while working full time and raising little kids.  She gave the credit to her life circumstance rather than owning that it really was SHE who created the work/life balance. 

When we assign credit to others (I was successful at that job because I had a great boss and a supportive team) it sounds wonderful but it makes us a victim of our circumstance. In the future, when we don’t have a great boss or supportive team, we feel powerless. Better to own your part in your success. “I made the most of that supportive environment and used it to be successful in my job.”

If you think you can’t be balanced because of the age of your children, you give away your power to make the changes your spirit is calling for.

I was never the mom to cry at graduations or milestone events in my kids’ lives. Everyone knew which were moms to pass tissues to, knowing the waterworks would be flowing. So, me being me, asked them, “What are you thinking about that makes you so sad?” Reliably, these sentimental moms would be thinking about the past. How cute and nervous they were on their first day of school. What it felt like to hold their hand as they crossed the street. Enjoying the camaraderie of other parents while working on school projects, field trips and parties. 

There is nothing wrong with being sentimental but if you are tired of feeling sad, try imagining a fun and exciting future. 

It’s easy to imagine your kids growing up having exciting new experiences, meeting new people and discovering new adventures. It’s harder to imagine OURSELVES doing these things so it might take a little practice. 

What’s something you loved doing before you had kids that you might like to rekindle? I used to love dancing, traveling with girlfriends, and spending time alone in nature. 

What’s something you would love to do more of once your kid starts driving? Having a teen and tween means a lot of time spent driving around town. Use this time to start creating a vision for your future that you are excited about. What will be great about having your kids out of the house? What would you like your relationship with your adult kids to look like? 

I asked my facebook folks to tell me some of the things they enjoy doing with their adult children that they didn’t do much of when they were young. Here are their answers and ideas to get you started: 

• Biking, roller blading, golfing, kayaking, paddleboarding, skiing, etc.
• Beauty and shopping day in the city
• Cooking, eating, and game nights
• Beer and wine tasting
• Traveling and concerts. 
• Camping, hiking, boating

You can enjoy these teen and tween years by letting go of the past, bringing forward the things that are most important to you, and creating a vision for the future that excites you. 

“You cannot explore new oceans unless you have the courage to lose sight of the shore.” Andre Gide

I get a lot of questions from moms about what to say when kids make negative comments about their body or start showing signs of disordered eating. These are not my area of expertise so today I brought in an expert.

Kyira Wackett is a licensed mental health therapist, facilitator and creator. She lives in Portland, OR with her husband, Jordan and her daughter, Everly. She is the owner of Adversity Rising a company that works to equip and empower people with the skills and tools to live life on purpose. She also sees patients in a private therapy practice where she treats people with eating disorders, anxiety disorders and trauma.

Kyria's website is: www.adversityrising.com

Kyria started a project called the #ReclaimBeauty project several years ago and highly recommend parents use this with middle school and older kids. In the project, I interview people and share their stories alongside their photos to help tell a deeper story about who they are and their experience with beauty ideals.  The focus of the video is to start a conversation for MS and HS students on this idea of beauty and ideals around this.

• Documentary: https://www.reclaimbeauty.org/film  
• Book Recommendations — for younger kids to start the conversation:
  • A kids book about body image
  • I am enough
  • Love your body — specifically targeted to biologically female bodies
  • all bodies are good bodies
  • Free book about what would fashion look like if it included us all: https://www.universalstandard.com/pages/childrens-book-read-online —>  This website is all about inclusivity with bodies, identities and clothing and might be great to includeThis is a free resource for teens and their families on creating body positivity and a neutral relationship with food. https://www.redefiningwellness.co/

Listen to today's podcast to find out how to support a body positive and food neutral household.

We'll discuss supporting a kid with body image distress and disordered eating. 

If you want to teach your kid to love their body, this episode is for you!